I fell asleep yesterday afternoon around 1PM after being up all night. I woke up around 7PM to eat dinner and then I went online for a little bit. I ended up struggling to stay awake and conked out again until 3AM. I woke up, watched some Castle YouTube clips, but again could not stay awake anymore and fell asleep again until 5PM today. I woke up feeling absolutely wretched. I was unbelievably sad and I have not felt ANYTHING for years. I cried in my room and I had no idea why I was. I decided to take a shower and I ended up battling the demons in my head the entire time. Suicidal thoughts kept popping up, but I did not want them there. I do not want to die. Something in my brain is making me think that I do though.
After the shower, I went into my parents’ room and told them I was feeling like shit. Then I burst into tears again. I don’t know what to do. I don’t know how to get out of this. I feel like I am losing the battle and I have no drive to fight it anymore. I feel it winning, but I don’t know how to fight back.
I neglected my cat all day today. She was out of food and water this morning but I made no effort to help her. She snuggled up to me for hours, just waiting for me to feel up to feeding her. She is always there for me. She is my best friend. I always know that after a hard day, my baby Willie will be there, happy to see me and always up to cuddle.
I’m tired of feeling like this. I don’t know how to change it though. I am so incredibly unhappy about work and I think that is part of the problem. I can’t seem to get over how much I don’t want to be there. I am only working 24 hours a week, but I act like I am working 60. I should be able to handle this, but I feel so miserable.
I want happiness. I don’t know how to get there though.
Have you ever felt that in order to feel truly happy, you have to give up something that only gives you temporary happiness? I’m starting to come to the realization that I am depriving myself of things because I let my obsessions get in the way. I become consumed with thoughts about these obsessions and I let them essentially take away my life.
I’ve always been insistent on the thought that I want to be famous somehow. I want to be well known or recognized for my accomplishments. I feel this stems from my fears of being forgotten. I think that most of my life I have felt forgotten and I’ve reached a point that I don’t want that to happen anymore. I want to be important. I want to mean something to someone. I want to change people’s lives for the better.
I want so much out of life, but I am stuck right now. I am stuck in my fantasy world and I am afraid to leave it to face the real world. My fantasy world doesn’t disappoint me. I am not let down by fantasy. I am a perpetual dreamer, my head is always in the clouds, but it is time I start becoming a doer of these dreams.
I went to my primary doctor last Monday and was put on Metformin and Spironolactone. Metformin is for my PCOS and Spironolactone is for blood pressure and also will help with the symptoms of PCOS, like acne and unwanted body hair. I read through some of the side effects of the two meds and found that one of them can make antidepressants less effective. Lately, I have been feeling out of control again. I haven’t been going to all of my appointments all the time and I’ve been missing things that I need to show up for. I don’t know if this is a result of the antidepressants not working or I really am losing control of things in my life. It just seems so hard to get out of bed these days. I slept on and off from 9pm yesterday to 5pm today. It is has become ridiculous.
I came to the conclusion yesterday morning that I have become a little addicted to social media. I figured out that in the last two months I have tweeted 378 times. Yesterday, I tweeted 11 times. It really seems to be again, out of control. I decided to prevent myself from accessing Facebook and Twitter as easily as I have, so I took the apps off my phone, set up stricter blocks on Chrome and logged out of both sites so I actually have to log in if I want to go on it. So far, I haven’t been on either site since 11:30 am yesterday. I still allow myself to go on Fanfiction.net because I really don’t want to limit myself there, but maybe someday I’ll start controlling that site too. It’s hard to stop constantly checking those sites, but I find it nice that I haven’t been getting alerts on my phone about every message I receive.
I want to feel better about everything, but once something good happens to me, it feels like more bad things happen.
I’ve had two potential jobs in the midst. One was an at-home editor for a market research firm. I wanted that job because I knew my anxiety wouldn’t be bad because I’d be working from home. While I was waiting for the next steps on that job though, I got a call from a temp agency saying they had a position for me working in a warehouse for a grocery delivery service. I decided to check it out and did a job shadow for an hour the other day. Afterwards I had to decide if I wanted the job, which I did. My first day was yesterday night into this morning. I work from 10PM to 4AM Mondays, Tuesdays, Thursdays and Fridays. I am actually quite happy with this job because I work in a cooler that is around 50 degrees. I absolutely hate heat and think anything higher than 65 degrees is too hot. I also don’t have to work with any customers which is probably the best thing. I would get very anxious before work in the past because I couldn’t handle the thought of dealing with people for 8 hours. I don’t feel this way with the warehouse job.
I made it through my first shift, but because I have been pretty much sedentary for a long time, I was in so much pain from standing for 6 hours. My back hurt so bad and I had to sit down a few times in the last hour because I was shaking from the pain. I hope to build up stamina soon enough though, it’ll just take a bit.
When I got home from work, I was so cold. I only wore a long sleeved blouse and jeans to work and didn’t bring a sweater. I learned the hard way that I probably shouldn’t have done that. I could not get warm no matter what I did. I only have one blanket and it is enough most days, but this morning I was shivering so much I had to search for something else. I ended up finding a Snuggie in the family room that belonged to one of my parents. It was exactly what I needed and I felt so much better. Now that I don’t need it right now, it is sitting in my bed and since Willie absolutely loves fleece, she has been sleeping on it for awhile.
I am currently at 1mg of Haldol, down from 4mg. My tics are getting worse and they annoy me sometimes, but sometimes I think that I just don’t want to go back on an anti-tic medication. It would be one less medication, less drugs in my system and there wouldn’t be a risk of weight gain. I also am not sure I could live without a medication because the vocal tic is quite annoying. My mom claims that she can hear me ticcing upstairs when I am in the basement. I’m not that loud…
I was talking over dinner with my family and it was brought to my attention that certain people I consider friends, aren’t very good friends because they always try and act like my Tourette’s and autism aren’t real issues. I have one friend who is always saying something of hers is a tic, when she knows it isn’t. It seems like she is trying to downplay or even make fun of something that I am suffering from. The same goes for my autism. I do talk about it quite a bit, but I’ve stopped talking about it around them because they seem to think that me having autism isn’t a real issue. Sure I only found out about having autism less than a year ago, but I had been suffering from the symptoms many years before that. Not acknowledging that my autism is a real thing and something that I struggle with daily, isn’t helping me. I recently posted on my Facebook about how there is something with autism that causes some people with it to have trouble filtering out outside noise. My friends say that I am deaf and that is the reason, but I can hear just fine, in fact I am very sensitive to sound, it’s just that I have trouble deciphering someone speaking from background noise. I always thought I just couldn’t hear, but I realized it wasn’t that at all. Nobody can tell me how I am supposed to feel or how I should react to things like anxiety, because they are not me, they do not know what it is like to live with Tourette’s or autism. I wish they would stop assuming things about me.