I went to my primary doctor last Monday and was put on Metformin and Spironolactone. Metformin is for my PCOS and Spironolactone is for blood pressure and also will help with the symptoms of PCOS, like acne and unwanted body hair. I read through some of the side effects of the two meds and found that one of them can make antidepressants less effective. Lately, I have been feeling out of control again. I haven’t been going to all of my appointments all the time and I’ve been missing things that I need to show up for. I don’t know if this is a result of the antidepressants not working or I really am losing control of things in my life. It just seems so hard to get out of bed these days. I slept on and off from 9pm yesterday to 5pm today. It is has become ridiculous.
I came to the conclusion yesterday morning that I have become a little addicted to social media. I figured out that in the last two months I have tweeted 378 times. Yesterday, I tweeted 11 times. It really seems to be again, out of control. I decided to prevent myself from accessing Facebook and Twitter as easily as I have, so I took the apps off my phone, set up stricter blocks on Chrome and logged out of both sites so I actually have to log in if I want to go on it. So far, I haven’t been on either site since 11:30 am yesterday. I still allow myself to go on Fanfiction.net because I really don’t want to limit myself there, but maybe someday I’ll start controlling that site too. It’s hard to stop constantly checking those sites, but I find it nice that I haven’t been getting alerts on my phone about every message I receive.
I want to feel better about everything, but once something good happens to me, it feels like more bad things happen.
I’ve had two potential jobs in the midst. One was an at-home editor for a market research firm. I wanted that job because I knew my anxiety wouldn’t be bad because I’d be working from home. While I was waiting for the next steps on that job though, I got a call from a temp agency saying they had a position for me working in a warehouse for a grocery delivery service. I decided to check it out and did a job shadow for an hour the other day. Afterwards I had to decide if I wanted the job, which I did. My first day was yesterday night into this morning. I work from 10PM to 4AM Mondays, Tuesdays, Thursdays and Fridays. I am actually quite happy with this job because I work in a cooler that is around 50 degrees. I absolutely hate heat and think anything higher than 65 degrees is too hot. I also don’t have to work with any customers which is probably the best thing. I would get very anxious before work in the past because I couldn’t handle the thought of dealing with people for 8 hours. I don’t feel this way with the warehouse job.
I made it through my first shift, but because I have been pretty much sedentary for a long time, I was in so much pain from standing for 6 hours. My back hurt so bad and I had to sit down a few times in the last hour because I was shaking from the pain. I hope to build up stamina soon enough though, it’ll just take a bit.
When I got home from work, I was so cold. I only wore a long sleeved blouse and jeans to work and didn’t bring a sweater. I learned the hard way that I probably shouldn’t have done that. I could not get warm no matter what I did. I only have one blanket and it is enough most days, but this morning I was shivering so much I had to search for something else. I ended up finding a Snuggie in the family room that belonged to one of my parents. It was exactly what I needed and I felt so much better. Now that I don’t need it right now, it is sitting in my bed and since Willie absolutely loves fleece, she has been sleeping on it for awhile.
I am currently at 1mg of Haldol, down from 4mg. My tics are getting worse and they annoy me sometimes, but sometimes I think that I just don’t want to go back on an anti-tic medication. It would be one less medication, less drugs in my system and there wouldn’t be a risk of weight gain. I also am not sure I could live without a medication because the vocal tic is quite annoying. My mom claims that she can hear me ticcing upstairs when I am in the basement. I’m not that loud…
I was talking over dinner with my family and it was brought to my attention that certain people I consider friends, aren’t very good friends because they always try and act like my Tourette’s and autism aren’t real issues. I have one friend who is always saying something of hers is a tic, when she knows it isn’t. It seems like she is trying to downplay or even make fun of something that I am suffering from. The same goes for my autism. I do talk about it quite a bit, but I’ve stopped talking about it around them because they seem to think that me having autism isn’t a real issue. Sure I only found out about having autism less than a year ago, but I had been suffering from the symptoms many years before that. Not acknowledging that my autism is a real thing and something that I struggle with daily, isn’t helping me. I recently posted on my Facebook about how there is something with autism that causes some people with it to have trouble filtering out outside noise. My friends say that I am deaf and that is the reason, but I can hear just fine, in fact I am very sensitive to sound, it’s just that I have trouble deciphering someone speaking from background noise. I always thought I just couldn’t hear, but I realized it wasn’t that at all. Nobody can tell me how I am supposed to feel or how I should react to things like anxiety, because they are not me, they do not know what it is like to live with Tourette’s or autism. I wish they would stop assuming things about me.
Most people know I adore the show “Castle.” My favorite character being Kate Beckett. I’ve come to the realization as of late that I am a lot like her in some ways. I’m not one who dates and never have been. I fear the intimacy that comes with being in a relationship and part of me feels like I will never be ready for dating. I have walls, that years of loneliness, fear, disappointment, and lack of confidence has built around my heart. Like Kate Beckett, I don’t let people in very easily. I am a very open person, I don’t hide who I am, but I only share the trivial things about myself. I don’t always share my fears or who I truly am. I push people away by showing them the worst of me in hopes that I will scare them away and I will know exactly the type of person they are. I have never met my Richard Castle; someone willing to break down my walls, see past my flaws, accept me for who I am, and know when I am pushing them away and stop it. I guess I am just waiting for my Rick. I’m waiting for someone to love me in spite of everything.
I have a bunch of stuff going on right now and a lot of things to worry about. I’m still waiting to hear about that job I interviewed for on Wednesday. I sent a thank you letter and all that too. I am just worried that I won’t get it and I’ll have to start over again waiting for an interview. My mom keeps trying to get me to apply at Target, but I really don’t want to work there. I don’t want to deal with customers. I worked for 5 years in customer service and I was miserable. I don’t want to go back to that. The thought of working with people again in the fast paced environment of a store sets me on edge and makes me anxious. I took a freaking lorazepam the other day for the first time in over a month because I’ve just felt really overwhelmed.
Today, I had class and because I ran out of gas, I had to borrow my parents’ Jeep to go. I got home and found out both my parents were angry at me because they feel like I’m taking them for granted. I didn’t intend for that to happen, I wanted the opposite. My dad lectured me for a good twenty minutes or so telling me how he wants more from me and to see me get on with my life. I want that too, but something is holding me back. I think it’s fear. Fear of something…living, success, failure, life maybe.
So I have been going off of my Tourette’s medication the last two weeks now. I am down to 2mg (originally 4mg) and my tics are now very present. Haldol has been the only medication that I have tried that seemed to control my tics. I’m scared and worried that I won’t find a safer drug that can do the same thing. I don’t want to be ticcing all the time. Sometimes I don’t realize I’m doing it, but most of the time I know I am ticcing and I can’t stop it and I drive myself crazy. For the most part I do only have a mild case of Tourette’s, but the low pitch humming I do all the time really annoys me. I can handle the excessive blinking.
I feel like I am not good enough for anything. I went out to dinner with my mom and some family and some friends my mom knew as a kid. I wanted to be included in the conversation but since I was sitting on the end, I had to lean over far to listen in. My mom basically had her back to me the entire time like she was blocking me from being able to speak. She barely talked about me to her friends and I know that sounds conceited, but it hurt that she talked about all of my sister’s accomplishments and even my brother’s accomplishments but because I am unemployed and struggling to be emotionally stable, she didn’t talk about anything that pertained to me. I tried to jump in to the conversation because I wanted to speak, but I couldn’t pick up when was a good time to do it. My autism therapist told me that being unable to figure that out is my autism. One thing that I fear the most is being forgotten and I feel like I am always being forgotten or excluded. It’s the worst feeling in the world to realize you aren’t important enough to someone for them to acknowledge your presence. I’m sure my mom doesn’t mean to be that way, but she does it and it still hurts.
I’ve always felt that my sister was always the better child. She was the normal one. She wasn’t a selective mute like me, she isn’t bipolar like my brother. She got married and bought a house even before I ever moved out of my parents’ house. She’s also 3 years younger than me. I feel like I will never be as good as my sister. It’s really hard to live in someone’s shadow, knowing that because of your disabilities or problems you will never be as good as them. I want to be more than who I am, I always have been, but I’m stuck in a rut that has sucked me in for the last 10 years. I don’t know what to do.
I feel like sometimes that I do have a lot to offer the world, but something always happens and I’m taken down several notches. I feel that I will never be happy because someone or something is keeping me down. It’s a daily struggle to do simple things. How will I ever accomplish the big things?
I just needed to vent. I’m glad I have therapy tomorrow afternoon though.