I become very obsessional with certain things and sometimes these obsessions get the better of me. For awhile as a child I was obsessed with learning about the presidents. Later in high school, I became obsessed with baby names (and this is still a passion of mine). Over the years, I’ve had a lot of things that I become completely absorbed in and it’s all I want to talk about, it is all I can think about and everything in life reminds me of this obsession. Since high school, I’ve been more obsessed with TV shows and movies that have a romantic plot. I remember in high school, my family went to a hotel for something and I brought along a VHS tape of my favorite movie at the time, Notting Hill, and even though there wasn’t a VHS player, I still brought it in hopes of seeing it somehow. I couldn’t be away from it. I was so engrossed in it. A few years ago, I become completely obsessed with the TV show Bones. That lasted for about a year and half before I became bored with it and I didn’t have an obsession for awhile. Since July, I have become deeply in love with the show Castle. Lately, this obsession has been getting the better of me and I can’t seem to stay away from watching YouTube clips or full episodes. I read fanfiction until all hours of the night. Last night, I read for 7 hours ONE fanfiction that was 172,000 words long, basically a 500 page book.
Despite absolutely loving these obsessions, they make me feel sad sometimes. I feel alone, like I’m chasing something that isn’t real to love me in return. I follow these obsessions with romantic ties because of how pathetic my love life is now. I feel that if I ever have a romantic relationship, I’ll be so disappointed in it because it won’t live up to my expectations from these TV shows. I want a life like those on TV and that is not at all realistic. Part of me wants to stop being obsessed, but that is just one aspect of autism and I can’t change it. I can change how much I watch or read about these shows, but I just don’t want to give up something I love so much, even if it makes me sad. It’s a double edged sword. Do I give up the one thing that gives me pleasure in my miserable life or do I continue to feel sad that this obsession is the only thing in my life that gives me pleasure. I don’t know what to do.
I want a real relationship with someone, but I’m afraid I’ll never be ready for one because I’m so screwed up and damaged. I don’t know how to fix myself. I don’t know how to be a whole person and not pieces of a broken person.
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Tagged asd, Asperger, Asperger syndrome, asperger's, asperger's syndrome, Autism, Autism spectrum, autistic disorder, baby names, bones, Castle, depression, happiness, loneliness, lonely, Mental Health, obsession, obsessions, presidents, Relationships, sadness
I’ve always thought that I would some day become a mother. I’ve never been particularly fond of children, but I claimed that I would like my own children. Lately, I’ve been thinking about the reasons why I want or think I want children. I feel like if I don’t have children, I won’t have contributed to society in any way. I don’t feel accomplished at all right now and I don’t know if I ever will. I am afraid if I don’t have children, I’ll be lonely for the rest of my life. I look at people without children and I just assume they aren’t happy because they didn’t have children. I think that not having children is just not living a full life. I realize this isn’t true at all, but I can’t help but feel it. Honestly, it feels like the only reason I want children is to name them, because I adore names. That isn’t a good enough reason though. I can name pets just as well as I can name children, but cats don’t grow up and become president or something equally amazing…they are just cats. Because of my having autism, I don’t handle noise very well. Kids screaming causes me a great deal of stress and I imagine I would not handle that very well if I have kids. I am so torn on this topic. I don’t want to be the childless aunt, I want to feel like my life is fulfilled. I don’t know if that means I should have kids or I should focus on myself and not have kids. I simply don’t know.
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Tagged asd, Asperger, Asperger syndrome, asperger's, Autism, Autism spectrum, autistic disorder, baby names, child-free, childless, children, kids, Mental Health, names
Because I’ve been unemployed for the last 4 months and because I have autism, my mom insisted that I apply for disability. I find out in 3-4 months if I will receive it or not, but in the mean time I am going to have to keep looking for a job that will pay the bills in the meantime. Because I have a disability, I qualify for vocational rehab through the Minnesota Workforce centers. I met with “my person” today at the center and found out that I can take vocational training courses without having to pay for them because my income is so low. So, now I will be going to school at night and then job training in the mornings. Unfortunately, I have to take three classes to get to where I want to be and I already know everything that is being taught in the first course. I decided to do the Health Technician route which means I’ll be taught medical terminology and human anatomy and of course the billing and coding that comes with working in the health field. I just want a job that I don’t have to work with customers. I don’t want to have to talk to anyone who is complaining to me. I never handled that well when I worked at the grocery store and I probably never will. It will just be better if I don’t work with people.
In my magazine writing class, I have to write an article by Tuesday and interview people for it. I avoided doing the interviewing for as long as I could and now it’s too late to interview the people I should be interviewing. My article topic is about adults with autism in the work force and their value. I should be interviewing professionals, but I ended up just “interviewing” people from this group I belong to on LiveJournal. I don’t want to have to ask someone and I don’t want to bother anyone with their busy day. I wish I didn’t care so much about what people thought. I wish I could throw caution to the wind and just do something without worrying about how I look.
Anyway, I am having a game night with my friends and our parents tomorrow night and I’m excited for that. I made chicken spaghetti for the group and I don’t know how it turned out. I made it once before a long time ago and I don’t remember what it tastes like. Hopefully people will like it.
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Tagged asd, Asperger, Asperger syndrome, asperger's, asperger's syndrome, Autism, Autism spectrum, autistic disorder, health care, job placement, job training, Mental Health, unemployment, vocational rehab
To say the last few weeks haven’t been that great is a gross understatement. I have been dealing with various forms of depression, seasonal, situational and of course just simply major depression. I am depressed about not having a job, the weather is absolute crap so I feel trapped in my apartment and I’ve always dealt with some baseline of depression my entire life.
It’s hard to get out of this funk I’ve been in and I’m struggling to keep my head above water most days. I feel like I’ve got a vortex of sadness following me everywhere. Every time I want to feel happy about something, the vortex sucks it away. I’m tired of feeling this way, but I don’t know how to turn it around.
My confidence is shattered because of the various interviews I’ve been on the last three months and still nothing has come from it. It took me 5 years to get a new job only to lose it a month later. Part of me is certain that it will take me another 5 years before I get another job. I am absolutely terrible at interviews. I panic and don’t know what to say about 95% of the time. I feel like people don’t see the real me on interviews, they just see this bumbling mess of a human being.
I decided to take a drive today to the bank to deposit a check and on the way there, i was listening to Cheap Trick and just started crying. It wasn’t a sad song at all, but I just started crying for no apparent reason. My cat, Willie, seems to notice I’m not at my best because despite the bedroom door being open, she has been hiding in my bedroom with me. She usually lives for the chance to be away from my bedroom because I lock her up with me at night, but she has been voluntarily spending time with me.
I have been having trouble concentrating on homework and I just feel like I’m going to fail this semester. I don’t want that to happen in the slightest, but I don’t know what to do. Not knowing what to do seems like a common thread in this post. I would love to go see a therapist, but I still am waiting on my Medical Assistance application to go through even though it has been two months. It’s starting to get ridiculous.
So, I am going to leave you with some words of wisdom from my favorite TV character, Kate Beckett.
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Tagged asd, Asperger, Asperger syndrome, asperger's, asperger's syndrome, Autism, Autism spectrum, autistic disorder, depression, Health, Mental Health, sad, sadness, seasonal depression, suicidal, suicide, unemployment
Classes started up last week and I think I’m going to enjoy this semester for the most part. I may not like my online class that much because the instructor has so much stuff to look at on the class website that I am having trouble knowing when things are due. I am excited for my HTML class because I can directly apply what I learn to my career goals. I am taking a magazine writing class and that overwhelms me a bit. I want to be a writer, but I don’t think I have a lot of good ideas. Once I get a good idea though, I struggle with actually writing. I keep feeling like my brain is too jumbled and clogged with unnecessary stress and worries that I find it really hard to break through that and actually write something. I love to write, but I find it so hard to do lately. I think my computer is the problem. I am always on it and I can’t seem to step away from it. Everything I ever want to do is on my computer. TV shows, friends, the Internet. I hate that this thing has such a huge hold on me.
In my magazine writing class we have to write three articles and I am struggling to come up with an original idea. I wanted to start by doing an article on my personal experiences with autism, but my instructor doesn’t want us to write in the first person, so I have to find a new topic. I was considering writing one on the supposed “Moonlighting Curse” when it comes to TV shows, but that has already been written. I was getting some interesting ideas while I was driving home from class tonight and I thought about possibly writing an article on how hiring a person with autism will be beneficial to the employer. That is basically the only idea I have right now.
Life is still life. I have been discouraged by my chronic unemployment. I have a job interview skills seminar next Monday and I hope that helps me a lot. I am feeling sad all the time because I have been cooped up in the apartment for basically the last three months and I haven’t seen anyone but my roommate. It gets really lonely not doing anything but hang out in your room alone on your computer. I have my stupid cat, but she can’t offer advice on life.
Everyone is trying to help me with my job search but I feel very disgruntled toward them pushing me to do things I don’t want to do and giving me advice I don’t really want to hear. I realize they want to help but I still feel like they are just disappointed in me and are tired of me being the person I have become as an unemployed person. I hate feeling like I am resentful for people, but it really does piss me off when people comment on my Facebook nagging me to get a job. I get interviews quite a bit, but the fact of the matter is, I have a demeanor about me that is off-putting to employers and I have no idea how to change that. My autism affects the way my face looks when I’m relaxed, so people assume I am angry or apathetic toward something, but really I am just being my normal self. When people tell me to just be more engaging, I don’t know how to do that. I try to keep a smile on my face while interviewing, but having to constantly think about smiling and appearing interested causes me to forget everything I had tried to rehearse prior to getting there. I rehearse before every interview, but I can’t do the smiling and saying the right thing at the same time and most of the time I get so nervous that I don’t say the right thing. It’s an all around frustrating thing.
So here I am, three months unemployed, still no health insurance, so I can’t pick up my medications because I can’t afford them and I am basically feeling like a complete failure. It’s hard to stay positive when you kind of suck at everything you do.
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Tagged asd, Asperger, Asperger syndrome, asperger's, asperger's syndrome, Autism, Autism spectrum, Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, DSM, DSM-5, interviews, job hunting, job interviews, job search, Mental Health, unemployment
There are certain aspects of my life that I do not reveal and that is rare, for me. I am very open about my life and that is probably dangerous because I will likely be taken advantage of, no doubt. There are certain things though that I do not tell a lot of people, one happens to be my dating situation. I have never dated, ever. I am 27 and have never dated. I’ve reached a point in my life that I just don’t care about dating anymore. I don’t care about making sure I date by a certain age to be normal, because I passed that age a long time ago. I just don’t care anymore. I don’t really have an interest in dating anymore. I desperately want to fall in love and be loved by someone, but I don’t want to date.
One thing everyone knows about me because they can physically see it, is that I am obese. I use my weight as a way to keep people at a distance. I continue to gain weight because of my fears of intimacy and getting to know someone on such a deep level. I want someone to see past my weight and get to know me, but I also am desperately afraid of that kind of connection with someone. It’s really hard to attempt to get on a healthier regimen when I am self-sabotaging myself because I want to keep people away from me. I am at a loss about how to fix this. Before I was fired, I emailed The Emily Program, which is a program for people with eating disorders. I had hoped to start going there once my insurance kicked in, but that never happened. I hope soon to get insurance again and hopefully I can actively work on myself so I can get healthy and love myself.
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Tagged asd, Asperger syndrome, Autism, Autism spectrum, Dating, Dieting, Health, High-functioning autism, List of people with autism spectrum disorders, love, Neurotypical, Physical exercise, Relationships, Weight gain, Weight loss
I’ve known for a long time that I am not a Christian. I believe in God, but I do not believe in Jesus. I was raised Lutheran, but didn’t feel that Christianity made much sense to me. I’ve always had a strong sense of faith and every time I’ve gone through a depressive period in my life that faith only grows. I feel a sense of peace knowing that there is something out there that I can talk to when I feel like life just gets to be too much. Tonight happened to be one of those moments. I laid in bed, contemplating everything. How was I going to pay for my psychiatrist visit on Friday with no insurance and no money in my bank account? How was I going to pay for food this week when my assistance applications are still pending? The job search is still going but nothing is happening. I am at a stand still. Tonight I decided to pray and even though I don’t cry very easily, I started crying knowing how destitute I had become. I have a roof over my head, I have some food in the cupboard, so I am better off than some, but to me I feel like I am at the worst possible place. I prayed to God, telling him, “I don’t know what to do.” My cat was sitting on my chest, purring as I cried. I asked over and over and imagined my grandma watching over me. Then it hit me. I have books. I have books to sell. The semester is over with as of today, I can sell all of my school books and all of the books I don’t want on eBay or Amazon and get money that way. I rummaged through all of my things pulling out my clarinet music books, cookbooks I don’t use, old textbooks, anything. I managed to accumulate about 10 books. It’s not much but it is something. It’s what I needed in the moment. A little bit of hope. A little lift from God.
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Tagged asd, Asperger, Asperger syndrome, asperger's, asperger's syndrome, Autism, Book, Christian, Christianity, eBay, Friday, God, Jesus, Prayer, unemployment