I’m Still Here

I saw my psychiatrist on October 3rd.  I managed to survive those two days.  My shrink essentially told me to take a few weeks off work and get off the night shift because the overnight hours seem to have been worsening my depression.  I ended up just quitting my job because there simply isn’t a job there that isn’t overnights.  So yet again, I am unemployed.  I applied for disability, so we will see if anything comes from that.

As much as I hate to say it, life has gotten a lot better since quitting.  I don’t have any money and I am basically dependent on my parents, but I feel like I am free from that anxiety.  I hope to someday soon be able to get back into the workforce but at the moment it isn’t something I am actively pursuing.  I have found myself laughing a lot more than I was the last two months.  I feel such immense joy when I watch Castle.  I missed that.

My shrink recommended me for a couple of partial programs.  I went to an intake appointment last Friday, but they didn’t think their program was the right fit for me, so they referred me to three other places.  I made an appointment with one of them in Chanhassen for next Tuesday.  I want to get started on all of this.  I want to change my life.

The Aftermath of my ER Visit

I went to the ER today.  Life has basically been kicking my ass and I don’t know how to fix it.  While I haven’t been very suicidal lately, I have had thoughts that my only way out of this emptiness is death.  I don’t want to die, but I feel like I don’t have any other options.  This terrifies me.  How do I change?  How do I even make the steps to change?  I don’t need to make a complete 180, I need to make a 540.

I feel so overwhelmed.  I can’t see my psychiatrist until Friday, but I feel like I won’t be able to make it until then.  I don’t plan on doing anything drastic, but it just feels like this emptiness I have been experiencing is just going to engulf me.  It’s like I am standing on the shoreline and a giant wave is just going to drown me and my lifeless body will be swept to sea.  It feels like I have no control over this.  I feel like someone is going to find me dead, not by my own hands, but by some unforeseen force, like I spontaneously combusted with despair.

The ER counselor did not admit me to the psych ward, instead opting for me to talk to my psychiatrist about a partial-hospitalization program that I participated in last year.  I don’t know what to do.  The counselor was saying how I need to get my life back on track, but I don’t know how to do this.  How do change?  They don’t make how-to manuals on changing everything you have let yourself become.  I need someone to tell me what to do.  I need steps to take.  I can’t do this on my own because I just don’t care enough to make the steps.  I need for something to switch in my brain.

I want to erase every memory from the last ten years.  Nothing good has come in the last ten years.  I don’t want to remind myself of how horrible life has been.  I don’t want to remember all of the negative self talk I have experienced.  I want to go back to my high school self where the world hadn’t yet killed my spirit.  I imagine my spirit as this decrepit soul, weighed down by chains, carrying a boulder the size of a small car and dripping wet from being doused with ice cold water.  It is seeking solace, warmth, relief, but all it does is get colder, wetter, heavier, weaker.  How do you come back from that?

I’ve reached the end of my rope

I don’t feel anything.  I don’t care at all.  It just feels like I simply can’t care anymore.  I really don’t know what to do.  I do not want to die or anything, I just don’t care.  I am a huge disappointment to everyone in my life, yet I can’t get myself to stop doing what I have been doing.  I feel no purpose in life.  I feel incapable of loving people.  I feel incapable of everything.  The world is pressing down on me and I am not fighting back.  I’m letting it crush me, asphyxiate me slowly.  The light inside of me is no longer the sun always shining, it is a candle constantly being blown out.

How do I start caring when the thought of doing so crushes me into immobility?  I can’t face living.  I don’t want to die though.  I’m not only at the end of my rope, it is fraying quickly under my weight, under everything I am going through, everything I am feeling.

My cat is my everything.  She gives me purpose, yet I feel myself losing that sense of purpose when I look at her.  She deserves better than me.  She deserves someone who will fight for her, who will give her everything and not give up on themselves.  She loves me unconditionally and I her, but when I can’t even seem to care about feeding her when she is begging for food, how does that show her that I love her?

I don’t know what to do anymore.  I’ve been considering checking myself into the mental hospital because nothing seems to be working.  I have no idea where to go from here.

How Lazy Am I?

How lazy am I? Let me tell you the ways:

1. I will plan the shortest walking distance to places even if it is merely a couple of steps more.

2. I pick the lightest plate and lightest silverware when I eat because I don’t want to carry anything heavy.

3. I take elevators if I am only going up one floor.

4. I plan what I need to bring upstairs so I don’t have to come back downstairs if I forget something.

5. In general I absolutely hate stairs.

6. I lived on the 3rd floor of my sophomore year dorm and would not leave my room because I knew I’d have to climb all of those stairs again.

7. I will carry as many grocery bags as I possibly can so I don’t have to take a second trip.

8. I make other people bring in cases of pop because I am sure as hell not doing it.

I’m certain there are more, but I can’t think of them at the moment.

Things are not right

I fell asleep yesterday afternoon around 1PM after being up all night.  I woke up around 7PM to eat dinner and then I went online for a little bit.  I ended up struggling to stay awake and conked out again until 3AM.  I woke up, watched some Castle YouTube clips, but again could not stay awake anymore and fell asleep again until 5PM today.  I woke up feeling absolutely wretched. I was unbelievably sad and I have not felt ANYTHING for years.  I cried in my room and I had no idea why I was.  I decided to take a shower and I ended up battling the demons in my head the entire time.  Suicidal thoughts kept popping up, but I did not want them there.  I do not want to die.  Something in my brain is making me think that I do though.

After the shower, I went into my parents’ room and told them I was feeling like shit.  Then I burst into tears again.  I don’t know what to do.  I don’t know how to get out of this.  I feel like I am losing the battle and I have no drive to fight it anymore.  I feel it winning, but I don’t know how to fight back.

I neglected my cat all day today.  She was out of food and water this morning but I made no effort to help her.  She snuggled up to me for hours, just waiting for me to feel up to feeding her.  She is always there for me.  She is my best friend.  I always know that after a hard day, my baby Willie will be there, happy to see me and always up to cuddle.

I’m tired of feeling like this.  I don’t know how to change it though.  I am so incredibly unhappy about work and I think that is part of the problem.  I can’t seem to get over how much I don’t want to be there.  I am only working 24 hours a week, but I act like I am working 60.  I should be able to handle this, but I feel so miserable.

I want happiness.  I don’t know how to get there though.

Letting Go

Have you ever felt that in order to feel truly happy, you have to give up something that only gives you temporary happiness?  I’m starting to come to the realization that I am depriving myself of things because I let my obsessions get in the way.  I become consumed with thoughts about these obsessions and I let them essentially take away my life.

I’ve always been insistent on the thought that I want to be famous somehow.  I want to be well known or recognized for my accomplishments.  I feel this stems from my fears of being forgotten.  I think that most of my life I have felt forgotten and I’ve reached a point that I don’t want that to happen anymore.  I want to be important.  I want to mean something to someone.  I want to change people’s lives for the better.

I want so much out of life, but I am stuck right now.  I am stuck in my fantasy world and I am afraid to leave it to face the real world.  My fantasy world doesn’t disappoint me.  I am not let down by fantasy.  I am a perpetual dreamer, my head is always in the clouds, but it is time I start becoming a doer of these dreams.

I need some control

I went to my primary doctor last Monday and was put on Metformin and Spironolactone.  Metformin is for my PCOS and Spironolactone is for blood pressure and also will help with the symptoms of PCOS, like acne and unwanted body hair.  I read through some of the side effects of the two meds and found that one of them can make antidepressants less effective.  Lately, I have been feeling out of control again.  I haven’t been going to all of my appointments all the time and I’ve been missing things that I need to show up for.  I don’t know if this is a result of the antidepressants not working or I really am losing control of things in my life.  It just seems so hard to get out of bed these days.  I slept on and off from 9pm yesterday to 5pm today.  It is has become ridiculous.

I came to the conclusion yesterday morning that I have become a little addicted to social media.  I figured out that in the last two months I have tweeted 378 times.  Yesterday, I tweeted 11 times.  It really seems to be again, out of control.  I decided to prevent myself from accessing Facebook and Twitter as easily as I have, so I took the apps off my phone, set up stricter blocks on Chrome and logged out of both sites so I actually have to log in if I want to go on it.  So far, I haven’t been on either site since 11:30 am yesterday.  I still allow myself to go on Fanfiction.net because I really don’t want to limit myself there, but maybe someday I’ll start controlling that site too.  It’s hard to stop constantly checking those sites, but I find it nice that I haven’t been getting alerts on my phone about every message I receive.

I want to feel better about everything, but once something good happens to me, it feels like more bad things happen.