Still Dealing

I have an appointment next Thursday with my general practitioner to get me on some anxiety meds.  It seriously can’t come soon enough.  I am feeling really anxious right now because I had some caffeinated pop with my meal at Red Robin and that always makes me on edge.  I generally avoid caffeine because I don’t need it to get energized.  I have never had coffee and plan on never having it, but pop is another story.  Whenever I have caffeinated pop it makes me feel really anxious and I have a difficult time settling down.  In addition to the caffeine problem, I am worried about going to work tomorrow.  I have been anxious before work every time I go in.  It gets so bad that I feel sick and very uncomfortable.  I usually feel fine when I get to work, but the anticipation of going gets me really upset.  I just need to remember that I am fine once I get there, but the anxiety tends to overshadow that thought and I still continue to feel bad.  I see my therapist on Thursday as well and in addition I see my autism counselor so I will have a full day of appointments.

Lately, I have been thinking of going for a Bachelor of Science degree in either Biochem or biology, but after I graduate with my writing degree.  I still really want to work in forensics and the thing that is holding me back is the fact that I am scared to go for it.  I’ll be deeply in debt, but I think it will be worth it if I am happy.  I just need to get myself to do it.

Pretty Pathetic

For the last few days I have been experiencing a lot of anxiety.  Right now, I am very anxious and I don’t know how to get rid of it.  I took a Valium (that I use for my back) in hopes that would calm me down, but it didn’t.  The main reason I am so anxious lately is because I am very worried about one of my TV shows not coming back for a 7th season.  One of the actors has been tweeting acting like it is the last season, but she could be just trying not to jinx it or she’s playing us.  Either way, it is making me freak out.  I know it is just a TV show, but it’s one of the few things that makes me happy anymore.  I would be devastated if it does not go on for another season.  I feel like I need at least one more season and then I’d properly feel like I could let it go if it needed to.  This limbo ABC has put the viewers in though is making me feel really uncomfortable.  I told my mom about my fears and she told me that I really need to get a life outside of the fantasy world I live in.  It is true that I live in a fantasy world.  I use it as an escape from my mediocre life.

Tomorrow, I’m probably going to go to urgent care and see if they can prescribe me some anti-anxiety meds until I can find a psychiatrist.  I have to work (aka do computer training) until 5pm and then I’ll go after that, then I’ll go to my parents’ house for a bit since I haven’t seen them in awhile.

Because of my anxiety I have not eaten a lot today and haven’t wanted to either.  I did eat a sandwich about an hour ago and my anxiety went away for a bit, but now it is back and I don’t know how I am going to get to sleep tonight.  I worry way too much.

Would I Get Rid of it if I Could?

I’ve been thinking tonight about having autism.  I was wondering if I had the ability to get rid of my autism would I do it?  This is a tough question for me.  While having autism is ingrained in me and my personality, I wonder if I’d be better off not having it at all.  Before the symptoms appeared at age 3, I was a very outgoing child, I’d whistle in public, I was all around rambunctious.  When age 3 came, I changed.  You can see it in my pictures.  I went from a smiley child to a kid who never showed her teeth and never looked happy.  Around age 3, I stopped talking except to my parents and sister.  I became reserved and quiet and I appeared to be depressed.  It is heartbreaking to see this child, me, in pictures because I just look so unhappy.  I didn’t start talking again until 4th grade and in 5th grade, I felt very comfortable with my classroom and even acted somewhat outgoing at times.

Would I get rid of my autism though?  While the diagnosis is still very new, it has been a part of me for most of my life, unknowingly.  I imagine my life would be so much easier if I wasn’t autistic.  I’d be able to handle myself in interviews, I’d be able to have a conversation and not feel completely weird and awkward about it.  I wouldn’t make other people feel awkward just by being me.  If I could get rid of it, I’d be considered normal.  I’d be able to date and fall in love without being uncomfortable about it.  If I didn’t have autism though, I wouldn’t have an interesting story about my life.  I feel like I’ve lived many lives in just one.  There was my selective mutism years, then my depressed years, then my relapsed depressed years and now my autistic years.  I have had more happen to me than the average person and it makes me an interesting person, I believe.  I have stories to tell, which is why I am a writer.  If I could get rid of my stories, my history, my interesting side, I wouldn’t be me.  I’d be someone who never had anything happen to them.  I’d be boring and I am certain I wouldn’t be a writer.  “Curing” my autism would not be the answer for me.  While I have not completely accepted having autism, I feel it is something to be proud of.  It’s something unique that not many people have and I have a different perspective on life because of it.  In a nutshell, I would not get rid of my autism if I could.  I wouldn’t be me if I did.

And Life Throws a Curveball

That interview I talked about in my last post did happen.  I stayed up all night so I could make the interview because I know myself and if I was in anyway drowsy from sleep, I would have skipped the interview.  Well, it turns out it was a very good thing that I went to the interview because I was hired immediately.  I am back to being a cashier, but hopefully it won’t be as bad as it was at the grocery store.  I’m working at a home improvement store now and I’m waiting for the call telling me when I can go in for training.  I had to get drug tested the day I accepted the position and considering I never drink and I have never even smoked a cigarette, I’m certain to pass the drug test.  Anyway, I’m nervous about starting a new job because it is a different place with different people.  I worry my old habits will come back and I won’t show up on time or I will call in sick a lot.  I was never a good employee when it came to attendance.  I’m hoping to change that though.  I need to.

I have an appointment with a therapist on April 7th.  I haven’t seen a therapist since my time in treatment last May.  I need to figure out my crap.  I need intense therapy and I need to figure out coping strategies so I can live as normal a life as possible.  I also have an appointment with the person who diagnosed me with autism later in April, so hopefully she can help me figure out how to secure an apartment that I can afford.

I’ve been dog sitting for my mom’s coworker and will be until Friday or Saturday.  The dog is a big sweetheart named Jazi, she’s a Rottweiler and seems to have gotten used to me coming into her home three times a day to let her outside.  It does suck that I have to drive there 3 times a day though, it’s probably 3 miles from my apartment, but still.  I could probably stay there for the day but they don’t have wi-fi so I can’t do anything but use the 4G on my phone or watch TV.  I watched a couple of Castle episodes today when I went over there.  I usually stay a couple of hours in the afternoon so the dog doesn’t get lonely without anyone there all day.  I’m going to have to go and let the dog out in about an hour around midnight.

Anyway, so now I have a job, I have health insurance and can go see therapists finally and get my prescriptions for cheap and I finally have a reason to get out of bed in the morning (job) and go somewhere.  It isn’t my dream job in any way, but it’s something until I can pursue my dream.

Feeling Anxious

Currently, I am only on medications to treat my depression and my Tourette’s.  This leaves me vulnerable to anxiety attacks every once and awhile, like right now.  I hate feeling anxious, it’s the most uncomfortable feeling in the world and I don’t know how to deal with it.  Right now, I think I’m feeling anxious because of things I should have done today but didn’t do and that makes me think about how I only have less than a month to find a job or else I’m going to be completely broke and without any income.  I have an interview in the morning, but I’m freaking out thinking my anxiety is going to get the better of me and I won’t go at all, which I’ve been known to do.  I hate that I’m so unreliable, but I feel like I can’t change it, or at least, I don’t know how to change it without dealing with high amounts of anxiety.  I really need a job where I can work from home, but that probably wouldn’t be good for me either because then I’d only leave my apartment to go grocery shopping.  I’m in a huge rut right now.  I’m the only one who can change this, but it scares me.  I feel completely lost in life and I need to get my life back on track.

Expectations of Life

Have you ever felt like you were just floating through life with no direction or purpose?  I have felt like this for almost ten years.  The entire length of my twenties have been spent in this state of “I don’t know where the hell I am going and part of me doesn’t really care.”  I want to care.  I want to experience true, unadulterated happiness and exuberance with life.  As of yet, at the age of 27, I have not come close to that.  I watched this Hallmark movie (one of my favorites actually) and the main character asks the other main character, “Have you ever had just one perfect day?”  I have never experienced a perfect day.  I can’t even fathom having one because it just doesn’t seem possible.  It seems impossible for me to experience true joy and happiness.  I’ve been depressed pretty much my entire life.  There was a two year period in high school when I wasn’t depressed, but that didn’t last long at all.  Once I left high school, I changed for the worst.  I turned from this hard working, nothing-will-ever-get-me-down kid to a slacker who couldn’t get out of bed and it’s been almost ten years and I’m still in this phase.  Part of me is wondering if this is even a phase and it just is who I was always supposed to be.

I finally have health insurance starting April 1st and in preparation of that I have been researching therapists.  It hit me while I was researching that I am going to be homeless in 3 months if I don’t start getting down to business.  My roommate is moving in with her boyfriend and I am left, without a job, to find a place for myself.  I’m looking for Section 42 housing because that is all I can afford at the moment, but I don’t know where I am going to be getting a job, so I don’t want to pick a place that is far from where I will potentially work.

I’m lost.  I don’t know what I want out of life.  I want to go back into the science field, pursue a career in forensics, but what is holding me back is that I have 1 year left to get the degree I’m currently pursuing and I don’t want to be in school until 2017, building more debt for myself.  If someone gave me $65,000 today, I’d pay off all my loans and pursue the science degree, but I don’t have that kind of luck.  I still want to be a writer, but I don’t think I am good enough to ever be successful at it.  My dream job is a forensic specialist who writes on the side, ideally for a television show.  I have so many dreams.  I have a very rich fantasy life, but I don’t go after what I want.  I don’t know what to do to change this.

Passion

Touching on my last post about obsessions, I’ve come to the conclusion that you will never find another person who is as passionate about things as I am.  When I find something I love, I am committed to it completely.  When/if I have children, the one thing I know I will teach them just by being myself is that having something you are passionate about, something that drives you is the reason we are alive.  I have probably learned this from my mom too.  She is passionate about fighting for the little guy, especially children.  She fought/fights for all three of her children to live as normal a life as possible despite our disabilities and setbacks.  My mom is a teacher at a nonprofit and sees the injustice in America toward those who are disadvantaged in life.  She fights for those who can’t fight for themselves.  While my passions aren’t nearly as noble, I understand where she gets her drive to live.

In other news, I hurt my back last week and I’m finally gaining back my mobility.  I still can’t sit for very long or walk for long periods of time, but I’m getting there.  Tomorrow, my parents and sister and I are going to the Parade of Homes and I’m hoping I’ll be able to make it through the day.  I want to spend time with my parents, especially after my dad’s suicide attempt a few weeks back, which I’m not going to talk about on here.  So anyway, I think I’m going to go pursue some of my passions and write a little.