I need help

I am writing a story and don’t know what name to chose for a character.  This character is a baby, but I like getting the names right and I don’t know which one to choose.

These Walls

Most people know I adore the show “Castle.” My favorite character being Kate Beckett.  I’ve come to the realization as of late that I am a lot like her in some ways.  I’m not one who dates and never have been.  I fear the intimacy that comes with being in a relationship and part of me feels like I will never be ready for dating.  I have walls, that years of loneliness, fear, disappointment, and lack of confidence has built around my heart.  Like Kate Beckett, I don’t let people in very easily.  I am a very open person, I don’t hide who I am, but I only share the trivial things about myself.  I don’t always share my fears or who I truly am.  I push people away by showing them the worst of me in hopes that I will scare them away and I will know exactly the type of person they are.  I have never met my Richard Castle; someone willing to break down my walls, see past my flaws, accept me for who I am, and know when I am pushing them away and stop it.  I guess I am just waiting for my Rick.  I’m waiting for someone to love me in spite of everything.

Life is weird

I have a bunch of stuff going on right now and a lot of things to worry about.  I’m still waiting to hear about that job I interviewed for on Wednesday.  I sent a thank you letter and all that too.  I am just worried that I won’t get it and I’ll have to start over again waiting for an interview.  My mom keeps trying to get me to apply at Target, but I really don’t want to work there.  I don’t want to deal with customers.  I worked for 5 years in customer service and I was miserable.  I don’t want to go back to that.  The thought of working with people again in the fast paced environment of a store sets me on edge and makes me anxious.  I took a freaking lorazepam the other day for the first time in over a month because I’ve just felt really overwhelmed.

Today, I had class and because I ran out of gas, I had to borrow my parents’ Jeep to go.  I got home and found out both my parents were angry at me because they feel like I’m taking them for granted.  I didn’t intend for that to happen, I wanted the opposite.  My dad lectured me for a good twenty minutes or so telling me how he wants more from me and to see me get on with my life.  I want that too, but something is holding me back.  I think it’s fear.  Fear of something…living, success, failure, life maybe.

So I have been going off of my Tourette’s medication the last two weeks now.  I am down to 2mg (originally 4mg) and my tics are now very present.  Haldol has been the only medication that I have tried that seemed to control my tics.  I’m scared and worried that I won’t find a safer drug that can do the same thing.  I don’t want to be ticcing all the time.  Sometimes I don’t realize I’m doing it, but most of the time I know I am ticcing and I can’t stop it and I drive myself crazy.  For the most part I do only have a mild case of Tourette’s, but the low pitch humming I do all the time really annoys me.  I can handle the excessive blinking.

It’s me again….

I feel like I am not good enough for anything. I went out to dinner with my mom and some family and some friends my mom knew as a kid. I wanted to be included in the conversation but since I was sitting on the end, I had to lean over far to listen in. My mom basically had her back to me the entire time like she was blocking me from being able to speak. She barely talked about me to her friends and I know that sounds conceited, but it hurt that she talked about all of my sister’s accomplishments and even my brother’s accomplishments but because I am unemployed and struggling to be emotionally stable, she didn’t talk about anything that pertained to me. I tried to jump in to the conversation because I wanted to speak, but I couldn’t pick up when was a good time to do it. My autism therapist told me that being unable to figure that out is my autism. One thing that I fear the most is being forgotten and I feel like I am always being forgotten or excluded. It’s the worst feeling in the world to realize you aren’t important enough to someone for them to acknowledge your presence. I’m sure my mom doesn’t mean to be that way, but she does it and it still hurts.
I’ve always felt that my sister was always the better child. She was the normal one. She wasn’t a selective mute like me, she isn’t bipolar like my brother. She got married and bought a house even before I ever moved out of my parents’ house. She’s also 3 years younger than me. I feel like I will never be as good as my sister. It’s really hard to live in someone’s shadow, knowing that because of your disabilities or problems you will never be as good as them. I want to be more than who I am, I always have been, but I’m stuck in a rut that has sucked me in for the last 10 years. I don’t know what to do.
I feel like sometimes that I do have a lot to offer the world, but something always happens and I’m taken down several notches. I feel that I will never be happy because someone or something is keeping me down. It’s a daily struggle to do simple things. How will I ever accomplish the big things?
I just needed to vent. I’m glad I have therapy tomorrow afternoon though.

Not much to say

I have been writing almost every night which is great for me.  Too bad the writing I am doing is fanfiction and not something that will progress my career.  I’m still doing the therapy twice a week and the dietitian once a week.  I started seeing a new psychiatrist too.  I went to her appointment and said right away that I wanted to go off of Haldol because it was causing Tardive Dyskinesia.  She wanted me to go off it in the first place.  I was taking 4mg and now I’m slowly decreasing and haven’t seen much difference in my tics.  I do tic a little more but not so bad that I can’t live with it.

I’m thinking of starting another blog documenting my experiences with the Emily Program and dealing with an eating disorder but I haven’t decided if I will really do it or not.  My dietitian has been having me focus on getting all the food groups in everyday.  I’ve only done it once.  It’s a lot harder than I thought.

I had a job interview today at a vet clinic.  The job was for a morning receptionist.  I want the job because it is part-time and it would allow me to go to school and do an internship in the fall.  I also want to work around animals in some capacity so I think it will be a good fit for me.  I only hope I actually got the job.  My mom has been nagging me about getting a job.  I want a job so I can have money but I also want to focus on getting better.

Update *Cue Creepy Unsolved Mysteries Music*

I haven’t given a good update in almost two months. I did post my two latest flash fiction pieces, but nothing about my life.

Beginning in early May, I started seeing a therapist with the Autism Society of Minnesota. I’ve been seeing her every week and she’s been helping me become more engaged in life and present in the world. I like talking to her because I think she’s helping me.
Also in May, I filled out the paperwork necessary for bariatric surgery and was going to go to the first appointments, but I couldn’t get up for them and plus I had decided that I wasn’t really wanting the surgery right now. The reason being that I am seeking help at the Emily Program for an eating disorder. I’ve been seeing a therapist there weekly, in addition to the autism therapist, then I see a dietitian once a week and soon I will be starting group therapies probably two or three times a week.

I have all this free time because in May I quit my job. My anxiety always got really bad when I went there and I just couldn’t handle it anymore. Even with the lorazepam that my doctor prescribed, couldn’t curb that fear I had going on.

Needless to say, my lease was up at the end of June and because I had no job, I had no money and therefore no place to move. I ended up moving back in with my parents, hopefully temporarily. I minimized my stuff too when I moved because I felt that I had way too much stuff and it was stressing me out. My cat is not taking the move very well. She refuses to leave my bedroom, so I keep her locked up so my parents’ two cats and the dog don’t bother her. I feel bad that she is stuck in this tiny room, but if she isn’t going to deal with the other animals, that is her only choice.

My therapist at the Emily Program was talking to me about my autism yesterday. I told her that I don’t participate in class discussions because I am uncertain when to jump in and contribute because I don’t know when someone is done talking and when another person is starting. She said that most people do not have that problem and that that can definitely be attributed to my autism. I didn’t really know that honestly. I thought everyone did that. She suggested that I talk with my professors and tell them about my issues.

My autism therapist also suggested that I am afraid of commitment because I don’t give direct answers as a way to possibly get out of doing things. I also told her an analogy that applies to my life. I said, “when everyone is playing soccer, I am on the sidelines waiting for someone to ask me to play.” We talked about how this is related to my not engaging in life like I should.

Because of my unemployment I have had a lot of free time in between classes. I have been writing almost every night, granted it is fanfiction, but at least it is still writing. I am always much more happy when I am writing. It is one of the few things that gives me pleasure.

well I think that is a sufficient update, so I will go write some more.

Dreams

I decided to write again tonight and this is what I came up with.

She finds herself reaching for him in her sleep, her arms outstretched above her, her fingers trying to draw him closer.  She startles awake when in dreams they touch.  She stares at her hands, the electric shock she felt when they met still tingling her nerves, and she wiggles her fingers wondering if it really happened.  She knows he’s gone, yet every night she is hopeful that it isn’t true.  He left, taking his last breath as she held his hand, knowing his pain was gone, but hers was just beginning.  The ache she feels now that her love is gone consumes her most days.  She barely acknowledges the outside world anymore.  Why bother when the physical remains of her reason for breathing were taken by the northwestern wind on an October Sunday?

She still has her dreams, the dreams where they meet under the canopy of the weeping willow they planted on their wedding day.  He visits nightly, his younger self smiling peacefully as they take a seat in the grass.  She can feel the green shoots tickling her legs, the overwhelming smell of lilacs invading her senses.  She wears a party dress made of blue toile, the skirt fanning out around her, her petticoat peeking out.  He leans against the tree, his gray pinstripe suit fitting like a glove as he crosses his legs at the ankles.  She smiles lovingly at him, knowing this moment is ephemeral for whenever they reach for each other he disappears, and they always reach for each other.

Things are different this time.  Tonight, they touch.  Her fingers grazed his shoulder when they attempted to hug and a jolt of electricity shot through his body, startling her awake.  Now she lies in bed, hoping she can will herself back to the dream, back into his arms.  She begs God to send him back to her, telling Him she needs to feel him again as he caresses her cheek and they stare into each other’s eyes, communicating what needs to be said through their gaze.  She pleads for mercy, to end the suffering of the last five months without him.  Tears slip down her face as she pinches her eyes shut.  She feels her fingers buzzing with energy as she opens her eyes and finds him gripping her hand between his.  He smiles down at her and she knows why he came back.  Her breathing is short and rapid before she sucks in her last breath and her heart stops.  Together again, hand in hand, they drift away.