Revenge

I’ve been so proud of myself the last week or so because of how I’ve been feeling better and getting out there, then I come home after house sitting for my sister and I’m greeted with contempt and dismay.  My mom enjoyed that I wasn’t home the entire week so much that she keeps telling me at every possible moment how I need to move out.  I’ve spent the last 11 years fighting depression and just when I start feeling great again, my mom makes it her personal mission to make my life a living hell.  I want revenge and it’s stupid.  I want my mom to hurt how much she has hurt me, but I know that I can’t do that on a personal level.  I don’t have it in me to seek revenge on someone like my mom.

I’ve been working hard to fight the depression and it just really, really hurts that no only am I not wanted in this house, no one seems to acknowledge that I have been doing better.  I don’t need praise or compliments or anything, I just want someone to recognize that I am trying and I am doing better.  I want them to just lay off the torment.

Living without Fear

I am a fearful person and I wish I wasn’t.  I want to do so much with my life, but my fears keep me back.  The ironic thing is that I fear doing things but one of my greatest fears is not doing what is important to me.

My birthday is tomorrow (June 4th) and I will be turning 29.  As a teenager when I imagined how my life would be now, I thought I would be in a completely different place.  I am not exactly happy with where I am, but I am going to change that.  My plan is to spend the next year until I turn 30, doing things that scare the crap out of me.  I want to go outside my comfort zone and be the person who isn’t afraid to live.  I want to be whom I’ve always meant to be.  I’ve started a list of things that I want to accomplish this year that I find scary.  Some of them are as simple as saying “hi” to a stranger and some are as difficult as standing up for myself or admitting my wrongs.  I want to do this and I am going to.  Here is a complete list of things I am going to do:

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Just some musings.

It’s unfortunate when told to live everyday like it’s your last, the only thing you can see yourself doing on your last day of life is staying in bed.  Is my belief that I am doing better really true?  If I were to die tomorrow, why would I not be gathering all of my loved ones and having a giant party?  What is it that makes me believe that if my death was imminent that no one would be there?  If I knew that tomorrow, my Willow was going to die, I would spend every waking moment I could with her; holding her, snuggling her, breathing in her scent as her long fur catches in my nose.  I would want her to know that my life was infinitely better because I had her.  Why does the possibility of my death mean less to me than my cat’s?  I’m sure that if I were to die tomorrow, that my loved ones would want to see me and say goodbye, yet some part of me thinks that my request to be around them would be met with contempt.  I don’t know where this comes from.  Is it from a lack of confidence or low self-esteem or is more that I have no self-worth?  Am I worthy in my own eyes?

Comparison to Three Months Ago

I decided to look over some of my earlier posts from before my time in IOP. I wasn’t completely aware how much different I felt until I read over those entries.  Here are some quotes from my October posts:

I don’t plan on doing anything drastic, but it just feels like this emptiness I have been experiencing is just going to engulf me.  It’s like I am standing on the shoreline and a giant wave is just going to drown me and my lifeless body will be swept to sea.  It feels like I have no control over this.  I feel like someone is going to find me dead, not by my own hands, but by some unforeseen force, like I spontaneously combusted with despair … I imagine my spirit as this decrepit soul, weighed down by chains, carrying a boulder the size of a small car and dripping wet from being doused with ice cold water.  It is seeking solace, warmth, relief, but all it does is get colder, wetter, heavier, weaker.  How do you come back from that?

The world is pressing down on me and I am not fighting back.  I’m letting it crush me, asphyxiate me slowly.  The light inside of me is no longer the sun always shining, it is a candle constantly being blown out … How do I start caring when the thought of doing so crushes me into immobility?  I can’t face living.  I don’t want to die though.  I’m not only at the end of my rope, it is fraying quickly under my weight, under everything I am going through, everything I am feeling.

I feel, dare I say it, hopeful now. I feel like I have purpose and I can do the things I want to do and succeed at them.  I don’t constantly feel like I am putting up roadblocks from my goals.  I know I still sometimes do that, but I don’t feel like they are impenetrable like they once were.  While my sleep schedule and issues are still wonky and need to be worked on, I feel I can fix that if I push myself to change.

I still do not have a job, but I am actively looking.  While I do not want to take just any shitty job out there, it’s becoming more and more likely that that is just what I have to do for now.  I do not want that at all, but apparently being a grown up means doing things you don’t want to do to better yourself.  I once was capable of doing such things, but haven’t in several years.  Maybe it’s time to start.

A Few of My Favorite Things

The Sound of Music is one of my favorite movies and although I don’t really understand why it has come to be known as a Christmastime movie, I figured I’d pay homage to the movie and list some of my favorite things in life.

1. Willie
2. Family
3. YouTube for Castle clips
4. Castle of course
5. Fanfiction
6. Internet
7. Lasagna
8. Pineapple
9. Cold Weather
10. My Bed
11. Liz Lemon GIFs
12. Stana Katic
13. Music
14. Water
15. Pudding

Yeah a lot of them are ridiculous, but I don’t care.

Facial Cues

It is common among autistics that they have trouble deciphering peoples’ facial expressions and cues.  I believe that if it hadn’t been for my love of TV shows, I would be a lot worse off at reading people.  I have a very hard time meeting people’s eyes and always have, which is a classic autism symptom.  Because of this, I don’t really look at people so I can’t interpret what they are feeling from their face.  When I watch shows like Castle and Who’s The Boss? though, I am able to look at the characters’ faces because I am not in their realm so I don’t feel anxious about doing it.  I think I learned how to read people because of TV.  I can decipher subtle changes in characters which I don’t think I would have been able to do about 15 years ago.  So TV has been very beneficial in my life.

IOP Update

My last day at the IOP program I have been going to is December 8th.  I feel really good about having done this program.  I feel better about life because I have a reason to get up in the morning and I have actually been going everyday.  One of the reasons I never could hold down a job was because I never actually went.  I believe the reason I did that was because I told myself I was unreliable and I believed that I could not change that.  I believed that that was who I had become and I couldn’t do anything about it.  This group has taught me that I can be reliable and I have it in me to do what is expected of me.  I feel a little more confident in myself.  As much as I want to get back to the super driven person I was in high school, I just have to accept that I can’t do that at the moment.  I might someday get there, but I can’t expect myself to jump right back into that life.

I have been doing pretty well about not isolating myself in my bedroom lately either.  When I get home from group I will go in the living room and read or go online for awhile.  Before I would just spend the entire day in my bedroom and wouldn’t see anyone.  I did isolate myself today because I just wasn’t feeling like being in the living room this afternoon, so I spent time with Willie in my room, which she was happy about.

I’ve noticed that I have been having memory or recall issues lately.  I don’t know if it is my meds or something else though.  It feels like if my brain is a maze and the destination for what I want to know is just right there, my brain takes the super long route around and through the maze to get to the answer when it was just a few simple steps ahead.

I have been working with a nonprofit here that helps people with autism find jobs, so I am hoping I will have a job pretty soon.