Monthly Archives: November 2013

Retention of Facts

I’ve come to realize that when it comes to having autism, I do things that most people don’t or can’t do.  One thing I have discovered I am really good at is retention of mundane celebrity facts.  I don’t realize how vast my “knowledge” of celebrity facts and trivia until I will randomly pull something out of no where that even I am surprised I remembered I knew.  When I was working at the grocery store a couple months back, I was talking with a coworker about a customer who I said was ridiculously good looking.  Here’s the basic exchange.

Coworker:  Oh, if you like him, you’d probably think Shemar Moore is cute.

Me: Isn’t he in that show Criminal Minds?

Coworker: Is Criminal Minds another one of your shows?

Me: No, I’ve never seen it before.

Coworker: How do you even know this if you’ve never seen it?

It’s stuff like that where I read it once on Wikipedia or somewhere else and if it involves celebrities, I’ll be able to remember it for a long time.  The same goes for quotes from my shows.  I only have to watch the show once through and I can remember a lot of significant quotes from it.  Of course, I’ll bring them up in a conversation and have to explain myself for why I said something that was not even related to the conversation.  They tend to pop in my head at random times and I’ll want to say them right then.  I really wish I had this type of fact retention for things that were actually important, like school.

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Inside the Actor’s Studio Questions

–So on this blog called The Daily Post they have a prompt about questions James Lipton always asks on Inside the Actor’s Studio.  Here’s my responses.

1. What is your favorite word? Ephemeral. I first heard it in a song and just thought it was a cool word.  My roommate made me a plaque with that song lyric (“I somehow see what is beautiful in things that are ephemeral”) and it hangs on my bedroom door.
What is your least favorite word? I hate when people say orange like ah-range….it’s freaking ooorange.  I also hate when people say horrible “harrible”. Drives me freaking crazy.
What turns you on creatively, spiritually or emotionally?  Music, I love jazz, oldies anything older than me.
What turns you off? The Internet.  It distracts me and is very hard to get away from it.  Do I love the Internet? Yes, but it’s a love/hate thing.
What is your favorite curse word? I love them all, especially fuck
What sound or noise do you love? Crackling campfire, my cat purring
What sound or noise do you hate? Revving car engines, motorcycles, loud cars in general.  It really upsets me and makes me feel uncomfortable and tense.
What profession other than your own would you like to attempt?  Writer, specifically a television writer or a forensic scientist
What profession would you not like to do? Something with a lot of people contact or where I have to persuade people or quick on toes to think of something to say.  Maybe a politician.
If Heaven exists, what would you like to hear God say when you arrive at the Pearly Gates?  Lucy has been waiting for you.  (Lucy was my dog who died in 2009).

Kate Beckett and Me

My grandma died on Saturday.  The last time I saw her was in 2012 and I knew when I left my parents’ house to go to work that it was going to be the last time I saw her.  I don’t know if I’d do anything different, maybe I should have said “I love you” to her but I didn’t.  I just left.  I find expressing love to people very hard because part of me feels like I don’t really mean it.  I don’t know what love really feels like.  I know people love me and I know that I do love people, especially my parents.  I just don’t know how to quantify these feelings into something physical.  I don’t know if I am supposed to feel something physical when you love someone.  I love and adore my cat.  I look at her sometimes and my breath catches in my throat because I love her so much.  It’s the kind of love a mother would feel for her child, at least I imagine it to be, as I don’t have any human children.  I have never felt romantic love before and I want to but part of me feels incapable of doing that.  I don’t know if this is autism or just me being closed off.  It’s probably a little bit of both.

I look to my TV shows, my autistic obsessions, to figure out what love is and the sad part is it isn’t even real.  I wish to emulate these characters in some way, whether it be their strength, their drive for life, their devotion to another person, their passion for their job.  It’s all things I don’t feel right now and that makes me sad.  Even typing that out brought tears to my eyes because it hurts to see it in writing.  I don’t feel complete right now.  I feel lost and I don’t know how to fix this.

I idolize fictional characters.  This is not some big revelation because I’ve known this for a long time.  I got to thinking today though, why don’t I use this idiosyncrasy of mine to my advantage and work on BEING like the fictional characters I admire?  For example, what would Kate Beckett from Castle do in my situation?  She wouldn’t sulk and mope around like I have been.  She’d get up and fight, kick some ass and take some names.  She wouldn’t give up without giving it her best shot.  I haven’t been giving it my best shot.  I’ve basically given up.  I’m unemployed, not unemployable.  Living with autism hasn’t made me defunct, it hasn’t made me less of a person.  Sure, I was probably fired because of something related to my autism, but I can’t let that get me down.  It’s their loss, not mine.  Why would I want to work for a place that supposedly helps people with disabilities but clearly does not?  Kate Beckett wouldn’t let anything stop her from following through with things.  I need this drive back, like I had in high school.  I have to find it.  I have to fight for it.