Kate Beckett and Me

My grandma died on Saturday.  The last time I saw her was in 2012 and I knew when I left my parents’ house to go to work that it was going to be the last time I saw her.  I don’t know if I’d do anything different, maybe I should have said “I love you” to her but I didn’t.  I just left.  I find expressing love to people very hard because part of me feels like I don’t really mean it.  I don’t know what love really feels like.  I know people love me and I know that I do love people, especially my parents.  I just don’t know how to quantify these feelings into something physical.  I don’t know if I am supposed to feel something physical when you love someone.  I love and adore my cat.  I look at her sometimes and my breath catches in my throat because I love her so much.  It’s the kind of love a mother would feel for her child, at least I imagine it to be, as I don’t have any human children.  I have never felt romantic love before and I want to but part of me feels incapable of doing that.  I don’t know if this is autism or just me being closed off.  It’s probably a little bit of both.

I look to my TV shows, my autistic obsessions, to figure out what love is and the sad part is it isn’t even real.  I wish to emulate these characters in some way, whether it be their strength, their drive for life, their devotion to another person, their passion for their job.  It’s all things I don’t feel right now and that makes me sad.  Even typing that out brought tears to my eyes because it hurts to see it in writing.  I don’t feel complete right now.  I feel lost and I don’t know how to fix this.

I idolize fictional characters.  This is not some big revelation because I’ve known this for a long time.  I got to thinking today though, why don’t I use this idiosyncrasy of mine to my advantage and work on BEING like the fictional characters I admire?  For example, what would Kate Beckett from Castle do in my situation?  She wouldn’t sulk and mope around like I have been.  She’d get up and fight, kick some ass and take some names.  She wouldn’t give up without giving it her best shot.  I haven’t been giving it my best shot.  I’ve basically given up.  I’m unemployed, not unemployable.  Living with autism hasn’t made me defunct, it hasn’t made me less of a person.  Sure, I was probably fired because of something related to my autism, but I can’t let that get me down.  It’s their loss, not mine.  Why would I want to work for a place that supposedly helps people with disabilities but clearly does not?  Kate Beckett wouldn’t let anything stop her from following through with things.  I need this drive back, like I had in high school.  I have to find it.  I have to fight for it.


2 responses to “Kate Beckett and Me

  1. I’ve learned that love isn’t only a feeling. It’s also a “doing”. And if we are “doing love” to our loves ones, like our grandma or a spouse, we are telling the truth when we say we love them, even if we don’t feel it.

    I’m glad to hear that you’re still fighting it out on the work front. Sometimes it seems like everything is a failure until we succeed.

  2. Sorry to hear of your grandmother, and I love Castle! Yes, people with autism perceive love a bit differently. We become incredibly attached to animals. We also, I think, have a realistic view of death which sometimes mutes our emotions when someone like a grandparent dies. When mine died a few years ago, I was sad, but I also accepted it. It was her time, she had been suffering, she was no longer suffering, and being completely upset about it wasn’t going to change anything. I think other people do have trouble because they may have had a less-than-honest relationship with the person who died, or are simply unwilling to accept death. As far as romantic love or a special relationship, that is challenging for all kinds of people. I do hope you find it someday!

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