My grandma died on Saturday. The last time I saw her was in 2012 and I knew when I left my parents’ house to go to work that it was going to be the last time I saw her. I don’t know if I’d do anything different, maybe I should have said “I love you” to her but I didn’t. I just left. I find expressing love to people very hard because part of me feels like I don’t really mean it. I don’t know what love really feels like. I know people love me and I know that I do love people, especially my parents. I just don’t know how to quantify these feelings into something physical. I don’t know if I am supposed to feel something physical when you love someone. I love and adore my cat. I look at her sometimes and my breath catches in my throat because I love her so much. It’s the kind of love a mother would feel for her child, at least I imagine it to be, as I don’t have any human children. I have never felt romantic love before and I want to but part of me feels incapable of doing that. I don’t know if this is autism or just me being closed off. It’s probably a little bit of both.
I look to my TV shows, my autistic obsessions, to figure out what love is and the sad part is it isn’t even real. I wish to emulate these characters in some way, whether it be their strength, their drive for life, their devotion to another person, their passion for their job. It’s all things I don’t feel right now and that makes me sad. Even typing that out brought tears to my eyes because it hurts to see it in writing. I don’t feel complete right now. I feel lost and I don’t know how to fix this.
I idolize fictional characters. This is not some big revelation because I’ve known this for a long time. I got to thinking today though, why don’t I use this idiosyncrasy of mine to my advantage and work on BEING like the fictional characters I admire? For example, what would Kate Beckett from Castle do in my situation? She wouldn’t sulk and mope around like I have been. She’d get up and fight, kick some ass and take some names. She wouldn’t give up without giving it her best shot. I haven’t been giving it my best shot. I’ve basically given up. I’m unemployed, not unemployable. Living with autism hasn’t made me defunct, it hasn’t made me less of a person. Sure, I was probably fired because of something related to my autism, but I can’t let that get me down. It’s their loss, not mine. Why would I want to work for a place that supposedly helps people with disabilities but clearly does not? Kate Beckett wouldn’t let anything stop her from following through with things. I need this drive back, like I had in high school. I have to find it. I have to fight for it.