Monthly Archives: December 2013

Love

There are certain aspects of my life that I do not reveal and that is rare, for me.  I am very open about my life and that is probably dangerous because I will likely be taken advantage of, no doubt.  There are certain things though that I do not tell a lot of people, one happens to be my dating situation.  I have never dated, ever.  I am 27 and have never dated.  I’ve reached a point in my life that I just don’t care about dating anymore.  I don’t care about making sure I date by a certain age to be normal, because I passed that age a long time ago.  I just don’t care anymore.  I don’t really have an interest in dating anymore.  I desperately want to fall in love and be loved by someone, but I don’t want to date.
One thing everyone knows about me because they can physically see it, is that I am obese.  I use my weight as a way to keep people at a distance.  I continue to gain weight because of my fears of intimacy and getting to know someone on such a deep level.  I want someone to see past my weight and get to know me, but I also am desperately afraid of that kind of connection with someone.  It’s really hard to attempt to get on a healthier regimen when I am self-sabotaging myself because I want to keep people away from me.  I am at a loss about how to fix this.  Before I was fired, I emailed The Emily Program, which is a program for people with eating disorders.  I had hoped to start going there once my insurance kicked in, but that never happened.  I hope soon to get insurance again and hopefully I can actively work on myself so I can get healthy and love myself.

Advertisements

Prayer

I’ve known for a long time that I am not a Christian.  I believe in God, but I do not believe in Jesus.  I was raised Lutheran, but didn’t feel that Christianity made much sense to me.  I’ve always had a strong sense of faith and every time I’ve gone through a depressive period in my life that faith only grows.  I feel a sense of peace knowing that there is something out there that I can talk to when I feel like life just gets to be too much.  Tonight happened to be one of those moments.  I laid in bed, contemplating everything.  How was I going to pay for my psychiatrist visit on Friday with no insurance and no money in my bank account?  How was I going to pay for food this week when my assistance applications are still pending?  The job search is still going but nothing is happening.  I am at a stand still.  Tonight I decided to pray and even though I don’t cry very easily, I started crying knowing how destitute I had become.  I have a roof over my head, I have some food in the cupboard, so I am better off than some, but to me I feel like I am at the worst possible place.  I prayed to God, telling him, “I don’t know what to do.”  My cat was sitting on my chest, purring as I cried.  I asked over and over and imagined my grandma watching over me.  Then it hit me.  I have books.  I have books to sell.  The semester is over with as of today, I can sell all of my school books and all of the books I don’t want on eBay or Amazon and get money that way.  I rummaged through all of my things pulling out my clarinet music books, cookbooks I don’t use, old textbooks, anything.  I managed to accumulate about 10 books.  It’s not much but it is something.  It’s what I needed in the moment.  A little bit of hope.  A little lift from God.