There are certain aspects of my life that I do not reveal and that is rare, for me. I am very open about my life and that is probably dangerous because I will likely be taken advantage of, no doubt. There are certain things though that I do not tell a lot of people, one happens to be my dating situation. I have never dated, ever. I am 27 and have never dated. I’ve reached a point in my life that I just don’t care about dating anymore. I don’t care about making sure I date by a certain age to be normal, because I passed that age a long time ago. I just don’t care anymore. I don’t really have an interest in dating anymore. I desperately want to fall in love and be loved by someone, but I don’t want to date.
One thing everyone knows about me because they can physically see it, is that I am obese. I use my weight as a way to keep people at a distance. I continue to gain weight because of my fears of intimacy and getting to know someone on such a deep level. I want someone to see past my weight and get to know me, but I also am desperately afraid of that kind of connection with someone. It’s really hard to attempt to get on a healthier regimen when I am self-sabotaging myself because I want to keep people away from me. I am at a loss about how to fix this. Before I was fired, I emailed The Emily Program, which is a program for people with eating disorders. I had hoped to start going there once my insurance kicked in, but that never happened. I hope soon to get insurance again and hopefully I can actively work on myself so I can get healthy and love myself.
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Tagged asd, Asperger syndrome, Autism, Autism spectrum, Dating, Dieting, Health, High-functioning autism, List of people with autism spectrum disorders, love, Neurotypical, Physical exercise, Relationships, Weight gain, Weight loss
I’ve known for a long time that I am not a Christian. I believe in God, but I do not believe in Jesus. I was raised Lutheran, but didn’t feel that Christianity made much sense to me. I’ve always had a strong sense of faith and every time I’ve gone through a depressive period in my life that faith only grows. I feel a sense of peace knowing that there is something out there that I can talk to when I feel like life just gets to be too much. Tonight happened to be one of those moments. I laid in bed, contemplating everything. How was I going to pay for my psychiatrist visit on Friday with no insurance and no money in my bank account? How was I going to pay for food this week when my assistance applications are still pending? The job search is still going but nothing is happening. I am at a stand still. Tonight I decided to pray and even though I don’t cry very easily, I started crying knowing how destitute I had become. I have a roof over my head, I have some food in the cupboard, so I am better off than some, but to me I feel like I am at the worst possible place. I prayed to God, telling him, “I don’t know what to do.” My cat was sitting on my chest, purring as I cried. I asked over and over and imagined my grandma watching over me. Then it hit me. I have books. I have books to sell. The semester is over with as of today, I can sell all of my school books and all of the books I don’t want on eBay or Amazon and get money that way. I rummaged through all of my things pulling out my clarinet music books, cookbooks I don’t use, old textbooks, anything. I managed to accumulate about 10 books. It’s not much but it is something. It’s what I needed in the moment. A little bit of hope. A little lift from God.
Posted in Uncategorized
Tagged asd, Asperger, Asperger syndrome, asperger's, asperger's syndrome, Autism, Book, Christian, Christianity, eBay, Friday, God, Jesus, Prayer, unemployment