I’ve known for a long time that I am not a Christian.  I believe in God, but I do not believe in Jesus.  I was raised Lutheran, but didn’t feel that Christianity made much sense to me.  I’ve always had a strong sense of faith and every time I’ve gone through a depressive period in my life that faith only grows.  I feel a sense of peace knowing that there is something out there that I can talk to when I feel like life just gets to be too much.  Tonight happened to be one of those moments.  I laid in bed, contemplating everything.  How was I going to pay for my psychiatrist visit on Friday with no insurance and no money in my bank account?  How was I going to pay for food this week when my assistance applications are still pending?  The job search is still going but nothing is happening.  I am at a stand still.  Tonight I decided to pray and even though I don’t cry very easily, I started crying knowing how destitute I had become.  I have a roof over my head, I have some food in the cupboard, so I am better off than some, but to me I feel like I am at the worst possible place.  I prayed to God, telling him, “I don’t know what to do.”  My cat was sitting on my chest, purring as I cried.  I asked over and over and imagined my grandma watching over me.  Then it hit me.  I have books.  I have books to sell.  The semester is over with as of today, I can sell all of my school books and all of the books I don’t want on eBay or Amazon and get money that way.  I rummaged through all of my things pulling out my clarinet music books, cookbooks I don’t use, old textbooks, anything.  I managed to accumulate about 10 books.  It’s not much but it is something.  It’s what I needed in the moment.  A little bit of hope.  A little lift from God.


6 responses to “Prayer

  1. Can I ask what makes you not want to believe in Jesus?

  2. The Lord hears us, no matter how soft our voice might be. We are heard for He is always… thisclose. Bless you. * smiles*

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