Love

There are certain aspects of my life that I do not reveal and that is rare, for me.  I am very open about my life and that is probably dangerous because I will likely be taken advantage of, no doubt.  There are certain things though that I do not tell a lot of people, one happens to be my dating situation.  I have never dated, ever.  I am 27 and have never dated.  I’ve reached a point in my life that I just don’t care about dating anymore.  I don’t care about making sure I date by a certain age to be normal, because I passed that age a long time ago.  I just don’t care anymore.  I don’t really have an interest in dating anymore.  I desperately want to fall in love and be loved by someone, but I don’t want to date.
One thing everyone knows about me because they can physically see it, is that I am obese.  I use my weight as a way to keep people at a distance.  I continue to gain weight because of my fears of intimacy and getting to know someone on such a deep level.  I want someone to see past my weight and get to know me, but I also am desperately afraid of that kind of connection with someone.  It’s really hard to attempt to get on a healthier regimen when I am self-sabotaging myself because I want to keep people away from me.  I am at a loss about how to fix this.  Before I was fired, I emailed The Emily Program, which is a program for people with eating disorders.  I had hoped to start going there once my insurance kicked in, but that never happened.  I hope soon to get insurance again and hopefully I can actively work on myself so I can get healthy and love myself.

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