Monthly Archives: January 2014

Dealing with Depression

To say the last few weeks haven’t been that great is a gross understatement.  I have been dealing with various forms of depression, seasonal, situational and of course just simply major depression.  I am depressed about not having a job, the weather is absolute crap so I feel trapped in my apartment and I’ve always dealt with some baseline of depression my entire life.

It’s hard to get out of this funk I’ve been in and I’m struggling to keep my head above water most days.  I feel like I’ve got a vortex of sadness following me everywhere.  Every time I want to feel happy about something, the vortex sucks it away.  I’m tired of feeling this way, but I don’t know how to turn it around.

My confidence is shattered because of the various interviews I’ve been on the last three months and still nothing has come from it.  It took me 5 years to get a new job only to lose it a month later.  Part of me is certain that it will take me another 5 years before I get another job.  I am absolutely terrible at interviews.  I panic and don’t know what to say about 95% of the time.  I feel like people don’t see the real me on interviews, they just see this bumbling mess of a human being.

I decided to take a drive today to the bank to deposit a check and on the way there, i was listening to Cheap Trick and just started crying.  It wasn’t a sad song at all, but I just started crying for no apparent reason.  My cat, Willie, seems to notice I’m not at my best because despite the bedroom door being open, she has been hiding in my bedroom with me.  She usually lives for the chance to be away from my bedroom because I lock her up with me at night, but she has been voluntarily spending time with me.

I have been having trouble concentrating on homework and I just feel like I’m going to fail this semester.  I don’t want that to happen in the slightest, but I don’t know what to do.  Not knowing what to do seems like a common thread in this post.  I would love to go see a therapist, but I still am waiting on my Medical Assistance application to go through even though it has been two months.  It’s starting to get ridiculous.

So, I am going to leave you with some words of wisdom from my favorite TV character, Kate Beckett.

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School is Back in Session

Classes started up last week and I think I’m going to enjoy this semester for the most part.  I may not like my online class that much because the instructor has so much stuff to look at on the class website that I am having trouble knowing when things are due.  I am excited for my HTML class because I can directly apply what I learn to my career goals.  I am taking a magazine writing class and that overwhelms me a bit.  I want to be a writer, but I don’t think I have a lot of good ideas.  Once I get a good idea though, I struggle with actually writing.  I keep feeling like my brain is too jumbled and clogged with unnecessary stress and worries that I find it really hard to break through that and actually write something.  I love to write, but I find it so hard to do lately.  I think my computer is the problem.  I am always on it and I can’t seem to step away from it.  Everything I ever want to do is on my computer.  TV shows, friends, the Internet.  I hate that this thing has such a huge hold on me.

In my magazine writing class we have to write three articles and I am struggling to come up with an original idea.  I wanted to start by doing an article on my personal experiences with autism, but my instructor doesn’t want us to write in the first person, so I have to find a new topic.  I was considering writing one on the supposed “Moonlighting Curse” when it comes to TV shows, but that has already been written.  I was getting some interesting ideas while I was driving home from class tonight and I thought about possibly writing an article on how hiring a person with autism will be beneficial to the employer.  That is basically the only idea I have right now.

Life is still life.  I have been discouraged by my chronic unemployment.  I have a job interview skills seminar next Monday and I hope that helps me a lot.  I am feeling sad all the time because I have been cooped up in the apartment for basically the last three months and I haven’t seen anyone but my roommate.  It gets really lonely not doing anything but hang out in your room alone on your computer.  I have my stupid cat, but she can’t offer advice on life.

Everyone is trying to help me with my job search but I feel very disgruntled toward them pushing me to do things I don’t want to do and giving me advice I don’t really want to hear.  I realize they want to help but I still feel like they are just disappointed in me and are tired of me being the person I have become as an unemployed person.  I hate feeling like I am resentful for people, but it really does piss me off when people comment on my Facebook nagging me to get a job.  I get interviews quite a bit, but the fact of the matter is, I have a demeanor about me that is off-putting to employers and I have no idea how to change that.  My autism affects the way my face looks when I’m relaxed, so people assume I am angry or apathetic toward something, but really I am just being my normal self.  When people tell me to just be more engaging, I don’t know how to do that.  I try to keep a smile on my face while interviewing, but having to constantly think about smiling and appearing interested causes me to forget everything I had tried to rehearse prior to getting there.  I rehearse before every interview, but I can’t do the smiling and saying the right thing at the same time and most of the time I get so nervous that I don’t say the right thing.  It’s an all around frustrating thing.

So here I am, three months unemployed, still no health insurance, so I can’t pick up my medications because I can’t afford them and I am basically feeling like a complete failure.  It’s hard to stay positive when you kind of suck at everything you do.