School is Back in Session

Classes started up last week and I think I’m going to enjoy this semester for the most part.  I may not like my online class that much because the instructor has so much stuff to look at on the class website that I am having trouble knowing when things are due.  I am excited for my HTML class because I can directly apply what I learn to my career goals.  I am taking a magazine writing class and that overwhelms me a bit.  I want to be a writer, but I don’t think I have a lot of good ideas.  Once I get a good idea though, I struggle with actually writing.  I keep feeling like my brain is too jumbled and clogged with unnecessary stress and worries that I find it really hard to break through that and actually write something.  I love to write, but I find it so hard to do lately.  I think my computer is the problem.  I am always on it and I can’t seem to step away from it.  Everything I ever want to do is on my computer.  TV shows, friends, the Internet.  I hate that this thing has such a huge hold on me.

In my magazine writing class we have to write three articles and I am struggling to come up with an original idea.  I wanted to start by doing an article on my personal experiences with autism, but my instructor doesn’t want us to write in the first person, so I have to find a new topic.  I was considering writing one on the supposed “Moonlighting Curse” when it comes to TV shows, but that has already been written.  I was getting some interesting ideas while I was driving home from class tonight and I thought about possibly writing an article on how hiring a person with autism will be beneficial to the employer.  That is basically the only idea I have right now.

Life is still life.  I have been discouraged by my chronic unemployment.  I have a job interview skills seminar next Monday and I hope that helps me a lot.  I am feeling sad all the time because I have been cooped up in the apartment for basically the last three months and I haven’t seen anyone but my roommate.  It gets really lonely not doing anything but hang out in your room alone on your computer.  I have my stupid cat, but she can’t offer advice on life.

Everyone is trying to help me with my job search but I feel very disgruntled toward them pushing me to do things I don’t want to do and giving me advice I don’t really want to hear.  I realize they want to help but I still feel like they are just disappointed in me and are tired of me being the person I have become as an unemployed person.  I hate feeling like I am resentful for people, but it really does piss me off when people comment on my Facebook nagging me to get a job.  I get interviews quite a bit, but the fact of the matter is, I have a demeanor about me that is off-putting to employers and I have no idea how to change that.  My autism affects the way my face looks when I’m relaxed, so people assume I am angry or apathetic toward something, but really I am just being my normal self.  When people tell me to just be more engaging, I don’t know how to do that.  I try to keep a smile on my face while interviewing, but having to constantly think about smiling and appearing interested causes me to forget everything I had tried to rehearse prior to getting there.  I rehearse before every interview, but I can’t do the smiling and saying the right thing at the same time and most of the time I get so nervous that I don’t say the right thing.  It’s an all around frustrating thing.

So here I am, three months unemployed, still no health insurance, so I can’t pick up my medications because I can’t afford them and I am basically feeling like a complete failure.  It’s hard to stay positive when you kind of suck at everything you do.

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