Classes started up last week and I think I’m going to enjoy this semester for the most part. I may not like my online class that much because the instructor has so much stuff to look at on the class website that I am having trouble knowing when things are due. I am excited for my HTML class because I can directly apply what I learn to my career goals. I am taking a magazine writing class and that overwhelms me a bit. I want to be a writer, but I don’t think I have a lot of good ideas. Once I get a good idea though, I struggle with actually writing. I keep feeling like my brain is too jumbled and clogged with unnecessary stress and worries that I find it really hard to break through that and actually write something. I love to write, but I find it so hard to do lately. I think my computer is the problem. I am always on it and I can’t seem to step away from it. Everything I ever want to do is on my computer. TV shows, friends, the Internet. I hate that this thing has such a huge hold on me.
In my magazine writing class we have to write three articles and I am struggling to come up with an original idea. I wanted to start by doing an article on my personal experiences with autism, but my instructor doesn’t want us to write in the first person, so I have to find a new topic. I was considering writing one on the supposed “Moonlighting Curse” when it comes to TV shows, but that has already been written. I was getting some interesting ideas while I was driving home from class tonight and I thought about possibly writing an article on how hiring a person with autism will be beneficial to the employer. That is basically the only idea I have right now.
Life is still life. I have been discouraged by my chronic unemployment. I have a job interview skills seminar next Monday and I hope that helps me a lot. I am feeling sad all the time because I have been cooped up in the apartment for basically the last three months and I haven’t seen anyone but my roommate. It gets really lonely not doing anything but hang out in your room alone on your computer. I have my stupid cat, but she can’t offer advice on life.
Everyone is trying to help me with my job search but I feel very disgruntled toward them pushing me to do things I don’t want to do and giving me advice I don’t really want to hear. I realize they want to help but I still feel like they are just disappointed in me and are tired of me being the person I have become as an unemployed person. I hate feeling like I am resentful for people, but it really does piss me off when people comment on my Facebook nagging me to get a job. I get interviews quite a bit, but the fact of the matter is, I have a demeanor about me that is off-putting to employers and I have no idea how to change that. My autism affects the way my face looks when I’m relaxed, so people assume I am angry or apathetic toward something, but really I am just being my normal self. When people tell me to just be more engaging, I don’t know how to do that. I try to keep a smile on my face while interviewing, but having to constantly think about smiling and appearing interested causes me to forget everything I had tried to rehearse prior to getting there. I rehearse before every interview, but I can’t do the smiling and saying the right thing at the same time and most of the time I get so nervous that I don’t say the right thing. It’s an all around frustrating thing.
So here I am, three months unemployed, still no health insurance, so I can’t pick up my medications because I can’t afford them and I am basically feeling like a complete failure. It’s hard to stay positive when you kind of suck at everything you do.