To say the last few weeks haven’t been that great is a gross understatement. I have been dealing with various forms of depression, seasonal, situational and of course just simply major depression. I am depressed about not having a job, the weather is absolute crap so I feel trapped in my apartment and I’ve always dealt with some baseline of depression my entire life.
It’s hard to get out of this funk I’ve been in and I’m struggling to keep my head above water most days. I feel like I’ve got a vortex of sadness following me everywhere. Every time I want to feel happy about something, the vortex sucks it away. I’m tired of feeling this way, but I don’t know how to turn it around.
My confidence is shattered because of the various interviews I’ve been on the last three months and still nothing has come from it. It took me 5 years to get a new job only to lose it a month later. Part of me is certain that it will take me another 5 years before I get another job. I am absolutely terrible at interviews. I panic and don’t know what to say about 95% of the time. I feel like people don’t see the real me on interviews, they just see this bumbling mess of a human being.
I decided to take a drive today to the bank to deposit a check and on the way there, i was listening to Cheap Trick and just started crying. It wasn’t a sad song at all, but I just started crying for no apparent reason. My cat, Willie, seems to notice I’m not at my best because despite the bedroom door being open, she has been hiding in my bedroom with me. She usually lives for the chance to be away from my bedroom because I lock her up with me at night, but she has been voluntarily spending time with me.
I have been having trouble concentrating on homework and I just feel like I’m going to fail this semester. I don’t want that to happen in the slightest, but I don’t know what to do. Not knowing what to do seems like a common thread in this post. I would love to go see a therapist, but I still am waiting on my Medical Assistance application to go through even though it has been two months. It’s starting to get ridiculous.
So, I am going to leave you with some words of wisdom from my favorite TV character, Kate Beckett.