Monthly Archives: March 2014

Feeling Anxious

Currently, I am only on medications to treat my depression and my Tourette’s.  This leaves me vulnerable to anxiety attacks every once and awhile, like right now.  I hate feeling anxious, it’s the most uncomfortable feeling in the world and I don’t know how to deal with it.  Right now, I think I’m feeling anxious because of things I should have done today but didn’t do and that makes me think about how I only have less than a month to find a job or else I’m going to be completely broke and without any income.  I have an interview in the morning, but I’m freaking out thinking my anxiety is going to get the better of me and I won’t go at all, which I’ve been known to do.  I hate that I’m so unreliable, but I feel like I can’t change it, or at least, I don’t know how to change it without dealing with high amounts of anxiety.  I really need a job where I can work from home, but that probably wouldn’t be good for me either because then I’d only leave my apartment to go grocery shopping.  I’m in a huge rut right now.  I’m the only one who can change this, but it scares me.  I feel completely lost in life and I need to get my life back on track.

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Expectations of Life

Have you ever felt like you were just floating through life with no direction or purpose?  I have felt like this for almost ten years.  The entire length of my twenties have been spent in this state of “I don’t know where the hell I am going and part of me doesn’t really care.”  I want to care.  I want to experience true, unadulterated happiness and exuberance with life.  As of yet, at the age of 27, I have not come close to that.  I watched this Hallmark movie (one of my favorites actually) and the main character asks the other main character, “Have you ever had just one perfect day?”  I have never experienced a perfect day.  I can’t even fathom having one because it just doesn’t seem possible.  It seems impossible for me to experience true joy and happiness.  I’ve been depressed pretty much my entire life.  There was a two year period in high school when I wasn’t depressed, but that didn’t last long at all.  Once I left high school, I changed for the worst.  I turned from this hard working, nothing-will-ever-get-me-down kid to a slacker who couldn’t get out of bed and it’s been almost ten years and I’m still in this phase.  Part of me is wondering if this is even a phase and it just is who I was always supposed to be.

I finally have health insurance starting April 1st and in preparation of that I have been researching therapists.  It hit me while I was researching that I am going to be homeless in 3 months if I don’t start getting down to business.  My roommate is moving in with her boyfriend and I am left, without a job, to find a place for myself.  I’m looking for Section 42 housing because that is all I can afford at the moment, but I don’t know where I am going to be getting a job, so I don’t want to pick a place that is far from where I will potentially work.

I’m lost.  I don’t know what I want out of life.  I want to go back into the science field, pursue a career in forensics, but what is holding me back is that I have 1 year left to get the degree I’m currently pursuing and I don’t want to be in school until 2017, building more debt for myself.  If someone gave me $65,000 today, I’d pay off all my loans and pursue the science degree, but I don’t have that kind of luck.  I still want to be a writer, but I don’t think I am good enough to ever be successful at it.  My dream job is a forensic specialist who writes on the side, ideally for a television show.  I have so many dreams.  I have a very rich fantasy life, but I don’t go after what I want.  I don’t know what to do to change this.

Passion

Touching on my last post about obsessions, I’ve come to the conclusion that you will never find another person who is as passionate about things as I am.  When I find something I love, I am committed to it completely.  When/if I have children, the one thing I know I will teach them just by being myself is that having something you are passionate about, something that drives you is the reason we are alive.  I have probably learned this from my mom too.  She is passionate about fighting for the little guy, especially children.  She fought/fights for all three of her children to live as normal a life as possible despite our disabilities and setbacks.  My mom is a teacher at a nonprofit and sees the injustice in America toward those who are disadvantaged in life.  She fights for those who can’t fight for themselves.  While my passions aren’t nearly as noble, I understand where she gets her drive to live.

In other news, I hurt my back last week and I’m finally gaining back my mobility.  I still can’t sit for very long or walk for long periods of time, but I’m getting there.  Tomorrow, my parents and sister and I are going to the Parade of Homes and I’m hoping I’ll be able to make it through the day.  I want to spend time with my parents, especially after my dad’s suicide attempt a few weeks back, which I’m not going to talk about on here.  So anyway, I think I’m going to go pursue some of my passions and write a little.

Obsessions

I become very obsessional with certain things and sometimes these obsessions get the better of me.  For awhile as a child I was obsessed with learning about the presidents.  Later in high school, I became obsessed with baby names (and this is still a passion of mine).  Over the years, I’ve had a lot of things that I become completely absorbed in and it’s all I want to talk about, it is all I can think about and everything in life reminds me of this obsession.  Since high school, I’ve been more obsessed with TV shows and movies that have a romantic plot.  I remember in high school, my family went to a hotel for something and I brought along a VHS tape of my favorite movie at the time, Notting Hill, and even though there wasn’t a VHS player, I still brought it in hopes of seeing it somehow.  I couldn’t be away from it.  I was so engrossed in it.  A few years ago, I become completely obsessed with the TV show Bones.  That lasted for about a year and half before I became bored with it and I didn’t have an obsession for awhile.  Since July, I have become deeply in love with the show Castle.  Lately, this obsession has been getting the better of me and I can’t seem to stay away from watching YouTube clips or full episodes.  I read fanfiction until all hours of the night.  Last night, I read for 7 hours ONE fanfiction that was 172,000 words long, basically a 500 page book.

Despite absolutely loving these obsessions, they make me feel sad sometimes.  I feel alone, like I’m chasing something that isn’t real to love me in return.  I follow these obsessions with romantic ties because of how pathetic my love life is now.  I feel that if I ever have a romantic relationship, I’ll be so disappointed in it because it won’t live up to my expectations from these TV shows.  I want a life like those on TV and that is not at all realistic.  Part of me wants to stop being obsessed, but that is just one aspect of autism and I can’t change it.  I can change how much I watch or read about these shows, but I just don’t want to give up something I love so much, even if it makes me sad.  It’s a double edged sword.  Do I give up the one thing that gives me pleasure in my miserable life or do I continue to feel sad that this obsession is the only thing in my life that gives me pleasure.  I don’t know what to do.

I want a real relationship with someone, but I’m afraid I’ll never be ready for one because I’m so screwed up and damaged.  I don’t know how to fix myself.  I don’t know how to be a whole person and not pieces of a broken person.