Monthly Archives: May 2014

I just feel the need to cry

I feel overwhelmed with feelings right now for a bunch of different reasons.  The main feeling though is sadness and depression.  I feel the need to cry but no matter how much I try to the tears just don’t come.  I can’t seem to cry and I want to because usually I feel better once I get it out.

The main reason I feel sad is because I watched the Castle season finale last night and while I thought it was going to be a lighthearted episode, the ending ripped me to shreds and I feel sad about it.  It’s a stupid thing to feel sad about but I am totally in love with this show.  It is my current fixation and I just feel very upset about what happens to the characters.

Another reason I feel bad is because I have been very anxious today because I ended up not going to work again, which has been a problem for me.  I feel stupid for letting my anxiety take hold of me and get me to skip out on work, when I know I should go, but I continue to do it.  My mom sent me a link to an article about a study that was done on depressed people and they found that people with depression are more likely to have self-sabotaging behaviors and this is so very much me.  I self-sabotage all the time, like I am doing with work.  I don’t know how to change it though.  I wish I could because I’m tired of feeling like I am inadequate in life.

I have to go to my first summer class tonight and I really do not want to because I’d rather be at home reading fanfiction, which is something that has taken on a life of its own.  I feel obsessed with reading it all the time and I can’t seem to get away from it.  I was hanging out with friends and around about 10pm I just didn’t want to hang out anymore and I wanted to go home and read.  I would have pulled up some on my phone but it was dying, so I couldn’t do that either.

Anyway, I hope to get my life under control and back to how it was in high school where I was actually motivated to do well.

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