I feel overwhelmed with feelings right now for a bunch of different reasons. The main feeling though is sadness and depression. I feel the need to cry but no matter how much I try to the tears just don’t come. I can’t seem to cry and I want to because usually I feel better once I get it out.
The main reason I feel sad is because I watched the Castle season finale last night and while I thought it was going to be a lighthearted episode, the ending ripped me to shreds and I feel sad about it. It’s a stupid thing to feel sad about but I am totally in love with this show. It is my current fixation and I just feel very upset about what happens to the characters.
Another reason I feel bad is because I have been very anxious today because I ended up not going to work again, which has been a problem for me. I feel stupid for letting my anxiety take hold of me and get me to skip out on work, when I know I should go, but I continue to do it. My mom sent me a link to an article about a study that was done on depressed people and they found that people with depression are more likely to have self-sabotaging behaviors and this is so very much me. I self-sabotage all the time, like I am doing with work. I don’t know how to change it though. I wish I could because I’m tired of feeling like I am inadequate in life.
I have to go to my first summer class tonight and I really do not want to because I’d rather be at home reading fanfiction, which is something that has taken on a life of its own. I feel obsessed with reading it all the time and I can’t seem to get away from it. I was hanging out with friends and around about 10pm I just didn’t want to hang out anymore and I wanted to go home and read. I would have pulled up some on my phone but it was dying, so I couldn’t do that either.
Anyway, I hope to get my life under control and back to how it was in high school where I was actually motivated to do well.
Alyssa with Autism 