I feel like I am not good enough for anything. I went out to dinner with my mom and some family and some friends my mom knew as a kid. I wanted to be included in the conversation but since I was sitting on the end, I had to lean over far to listen in. My mom basically had her back to me the entire time like she was blocking me from being able to speak. She barely talked about me to her friends and I know that sounds conceited, but it hurt that she talked about all of my sister’s accomplishments and even my brother’s accomplishments but because I am unemployed and struggling to be emotionally stable, she didn’t talk about anything that pertained to me. I tried to jump in to the conversation because I wanted to speak, but I couldn’t pick up when was a good time to do it. My autism therapist told me that being unable to figure that out is my autism. One thing that I fear the most is being forgotten and I feel like I am always being forgotten or excluded. It’s the worst feeling in the world to realize you aren’t important enough to someone for them to acknowledge your presence. I’m sure my mom doesn’t mean to be that way, but she does it and it still hurts.
I’ve always felt that my sister was always the better child. She was the normal one. She wasn’t a selective mute like me, she isn’t bipolar like my brother. She got married and bought a house even before I ever moved out of my parents’ house. She’s also 3 years younger than me. I feel like I will never be as good as my sister. It’s really hard to live in someone’s shadow, knowing that because of your disabilities or problems you will never be as good as them. I want to be more than who I am, I always have been, but I’m stuck in a rut that has sucked me in for the last 10 years. I don’t know what to do.
I feel like sometimes that I do have a lot to offer the world, but something always happens and I’m taken down several notches. I feel that I will never be happy because someone or something is keeping me down. It’s a daily struggle to do simple things. How will I ever accomplish the big things?
I just needed to vent. I’m glad I have therapy tomorrow afternoon though.
Quiet Mary on Life is weird monalyssa33 on Life is weird Quiet Mary on Life is weird Quiet Mary on Life is weird Quiet Mary on It’s me again….