It’s me again….

I feel like I am not good enough for anything. I went out to dinner with my mom and some family and some friends my mom knew as a kid. I wanted to be included in the conversation but since I was sitting on the end, I had to lean over far to listen in. My mom basically had her back to me the entire time like she was blocking me from being able to speak. She barely talked about me to her friends and I know that sounds conceited, but it hurt that she talked about all of my sister’s accomplishments and even my brother’s accomplishments but because I am unemployed and struggling to be emotionally stable, she didn’t talk about anything that pertained to me. I tried to jump in to the conversation because I wanted to speak, but I couldn’t pick up when was a good time to do it. My autism therapist told me that being unable to figure that out is my autism. One thing that I fear the most is being forgotten and I feel like I am always being forgotten or excluded. It’s the worst feeling in the world to realize you aren’t important enough to someone for them to acknowledge your presence. I’m sure my mom doesn’t mean to be that way, but she does it and it still hurts.
I’ve always felt that my sister was always the better child. She was the normal one. She wasn’t a selective mute like me, she isn’t bipolar like my brother. She got married and bought a house even before I ever moved out of my parents’ house. She’s also 3 years younger than me. I feel like I will never be as good as my sister. It’s really hard to live in someone’s shadow, knowing that because of your disabilities or problems you will never be as good as them. I want to be more than who I am, I always have been, but I’m stuck in a rut that has sucked me in for the last 10 years. I don’t know what to do.
I feel like sometimes that I do have a lot to offer the world, but something always happens and I’m taken down several notches. I feel that I will never be happy because someone or something is keeping me down. It’s a daily struggle to do simple things. How will I ever accomplish the big things?
I just needed to vent. I’m glad I have therapy tomorrow afternoon though.

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7 responses to “It’s me again….

  1. You’re good enough to be one of my favourite Twitter people at least. 🙂 Sorry to hear things are bad right now, just know that I was there for most of my twenties before things finally got better. When it’s time they will.

    I can especially relate to feeling overshadowed by siblings as I had that with my younger brother for many years. Things eventually changed between us though as we both became our own people, and especially as he started to face problems and issues of his own. It turned out that having someone in the family who had been through the things that I had allowed me to really help him out and support him. I don’t know if you and your sister are exactly the same, but I’d say there’s a good chance there’ll come a time when she feels lucky to have you as a sister. Best of luck. 🙂

  2. I don’t think you aren’t good for anything. We all just have different things that we’re good at. Maybe you can’t be as independent as your sister, but you still have things that you alone can offer the world. It’s a process though trying to find what you have to offer and how to do it.
    I’ve worried about being forgotten and excluded too. It’s hard to know when it’s a good time to jump in a conversation, especially if the people you’re with are focused on someone else. I’ve kind of accepted that this will happen sometimes, but it’s ok. Everyone has bad days, we just have to do the best we can.
    I hope things get better though. Let me know if there’s anything I can do for you. 🙂

  3. I think you are good enough. 🙂 I’m pretty picky about my friends. 😉 What if you tried a new hobby? Sometimes when I’m feeling like crap it helps to have something I’m good at. You can try cross-stitching! Or you can start taking line dance classes with me. 🙂

    • I always think about hobbies. One thing for me is that I don’t really have any left over finances for a hobby. It’s always a catch 22. It’s a good suggestion though.

  4. I’m so sorry you had that experience. I have those all the time, and it’s very draining. I am 47, and I don’t have a truly close friend or even family member in my life. I want so badly to make connections, but like you, my speech just isn’t “right.” I am so isolated and scared like you of being forgotten. Truly, I would have less than 25 people at my funeral if I died today. It’s a sad thought; I do feel like I had so much inside of me my whole life, but it never got to come out.

    You’re very good at writing your thoughts and experiences; I would love to be able to do that.

  5. Hello???? Anybody there? I’ve posted several comments, and I never hear back. Wow, not only do I suck at communication in person, I suck on blogs as well.

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