I have a bunch of stuff going on right now and a lot of things to worry about. I’m still waiting to hear about that job I interviewed for on Wednesday. I sent a thank you letter and all that too. I am just worried that I won’t get it and I’ll have to start over again waiting for an interview. My mom keeps trying to get me to apply at Target, but I really don’t want to work there. I don’t want to deal with customers. I worked for 5 years in customer service and I was miserable. I don’t want to go back to that. The thought of working with people again in the fast paced environment of a store sets me on edge and makes me anxious. I took a freaking lorazepam the other day for the first time in over a month because I’ve just felt really overwhelmed.
Today, I had class and because I ran out of gas, I had to borrow my parents’ Jeep to go. I got home and found out both my parents were angry at me because they feel like I’m taking them for granted. I didn’t intend for that to happen, I wanted the opposite. My dad lectured me for a good twenty minutes or so telling me how he wants more from me and to see me get on with my life. I want that too, but something is holding me back. I think it’s fear. Fear of something…living, success, failure, life maybe.
So I have been going off of my Tourette’s medication the last two weeks now. I am down to 2mg (originally 4mg) and my tics are now very present. Haldol has been the only medication that I have tried that seemed to control my tics. I’m scared and worried that I won’t find a safer drug that can do the same thing. I don’t want to be ticcing all the time. Sometimes I don’t realize I’m doing it, but most of the time I know I am ticcing and I can’t stop it and I drive myself crazy. For the most part I do only have a mild case of Tourette’s, but the low pitch humming I do all the time really annoys me. I can handle the excessive blinking.