Monthly Archives: September 2014

How Lazy Am I?

How lazy am I? Let me tell you the ways:

1. I will plan the shortest walking distance to places even if it is merely a couple of steps more.

2. I pick the lightest plate and lightest silverware when I eat because I don’t want to carry anything heavy.

3. I take elevators if I am only going up one floor.

4. I plan what I need to bring upstairs so I don’t have to come back downstairs if I forget something.

5. In general I absolutely hate stairs.

6. I lived on the 3rd floor of my sophomore year dorm and would not leave my room because I knew I’d have to climb all of those stairs again.

7. I will carry as many grocery bags as I possibly can so I don’t have to take a second trip.

8. I make other people bring in cases of pop because I am sure as hell not doing it.

I’m certain there are more, but I can’t think of them at the moment.

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Things are not right

I fell asleep yesterday afternoon around 1PM after being up all night.  I woke up around 7PM to eat dinner and then I went online for a little bit.  I ended up struggling to stay awake and conked out again until 3AM.  I woke up, watched some Castle YouTube clips, but again could not stay awake anymore and fell asleep again until 5PM today.  I woke up feeling absolutely wretched. I was unbelievably sad and I have not felt ANYTHING for years.  I cried in my room and I had no idea why I was.  I decided to take a shower and I ended up battling the demons in my head the entire time.  Suicidal thoughts kept popping up, but I did not want them there.  I do not want to die.  Something in my brain is making me think that I do though.

After the shower, I went into my parents’ room and told them I was feeling like shit.  Then I burst into tears again.  I don’t know what to do.  I don’t know how to get out of this.  I feel like I am losing the battle and I have no drive to fight it anymore.  I feel it winning, but I don’t know how to fight back.

I neglected my cat all day today.  She was out of food and water this morning but I made no effort to help her.  She snuggled up to me for hours, just waiting for me to feel up to feeding her.  She is always there for me.  She is my best friend.  I always know that after a hard day, my baby Willie will be there, happy to see me and always up to cuddle.

I’m tired of feeling like this.  I don’t know how to change it though.  I am so incredibly unhappy about work and I think that is part of the problem.  I can’t seem to get over how much I don’t want to be there.  I am only working 24 hours a week, but I act like I am working 60.  I should be able to handle this, but I feel so miserable.

I want happiness.  I don’t know how to get there though.

Letting Go

Have you ever felt that in order to feel truly happy, you have to give up something that only gives you temporary happiness?  I’m starting to come to the realization that I am depriving myself of things because I let my obsessions get in the way.  I become consumed with thoughts about these obsessions and I let them essentially take away my life.

I’ve always been insistent on the thought that I want to be famous somehow.  I want to be well known or recognized for my accomplishments.  I feel this stems from my fears of being forgotten.  I think that most of my life I have felt forgotten and I’ve reached a point that I don’t want that to happen anymore.  I want to be important.  I want to mean something to someone.  I want to change people’s lives for the better.

I want so much out of life, but I am stuck right now.  I am stuck in my fantasy world and I am afraid to leave it to face the real world.  My fantasy world doesn’t disappoint me.  I am not let down by fantasy.  I am a perpetual dreamer, my head is always in the clouds, but it is time I start becoming a doer of these dreams.