Things are not right

I fell asleep yesterday afternoon around 1PM after being up all night.  I woke up around 7PM to eat dinner and then I went online for a little bit.  I ended up struggling to stay awake and conked out again until 3AM.  I woke up, watched some Castle YouTube clips, but again could not stay awake anymore and fell asleep again until 5PM today.  I woke up feeling absolutely wretched. I was unbelievably sad and I have not felt ANYTHING for years.  I cried in my room and I had no idea why I was.  I decided to take a shower and I ended up battling the demons in my head the entire time.  Suicidal thoughts kept popping up, but I did not want them there.  I do not want to die.  Something in my brain is making me think that I do though.

After the shower, I went into my parents’ room and told them I was feeling like shit.  Then I burst into tears again.  I don’t know what to do.  I don’t know how to get out of this.  I feel like I am losing the battle and I have no drive to fight it anymore.  I feel it winning, but I don’t know how to fight back.

I neglected my cat all day today.  She was out of food and water this morning but I made no effort to help her.  She snuggled up to me for hours, just waiting for me to feel up to feeding her.  She is always there for me.  She is my best friend.  I always know that after a hard day, my baby Willie will be there, happy to see me and always up to cuddle.

I’m tired of feeling like this.  I don’t know how to change it though.  I am so incredibly unhappy about work and I think that is part of the problem.  I can’t seem to get over how much I don’t want to be there.  I am only working 24 hours a week, but I act like I am working 60.  I should be able to handle this, but I feel so miserable.

I want happiness.  I don’t know how to get there though.

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