I’ve reached the end of my rope

I don’t feel anything.  I don’t care at all.  It just feels like I simply can’t care anymore.  I really don’t know what to do.  I do not want to die or anything, I just don’t care.  I am a huge disappointment to everyone in my life, yet I can’t get myself to stop doing what I have been doing.  I feel no purpose in life.  I feel incapable of loving people.  I feel incapable of everything.  The world is pressing down on me and I am not fighting back.  I’m letting it crush me, asphyxiate me slowly.  The light inside of me is no longer the sun always shining, it is a candle constantly being blown out.

How do I start caring when the thought of doing so crushes me into immobility?  I can’t face living.  I don’t want to die though.  I’m not only at the end of my rope, it is fraying quickly under my weight, under everything I am going through, everything I am feeling.

My cat is my everything.  She gives me purpose, yet I feel myself losing that sense of purpose when I look at her.  She deserves better than me.  She deserves someone who will fight for her, who will give her everything and not give up on themselves.  She loves me unconditionally and I her, but when I can’t even seem to care about feeding her when she is begging for food, how does that show her that I love her?

I don’t know what to do anymore.  I’ve been considering checking myself into the mental hospital because nothing seems to be working.  I have no idea where to go from here.


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