I went to the ER today. Life has basically been kicking my ass and I don’t know how to fix it. While I haven’t been very suicidal lately, I have had thoughts that my only way out of this emptiness is death. I don’t want to die, but I feel like I don’t have any other options. This terrifies me. How do I change? How do I even make the steps to change? I don’t need to make a complete 180, I need to make a 540.
I feel so overwhelmed. I can’t see my psychiatrist until Friday, but I feel like I won’t be able to make it until then. I don’t plan on doing anything drastic, but it just feels like this emptiness I have been experiencing is just going to engulf me. It’s like I am standing on the shoreline and a giant wave is just going to drown me and my lifeless body will be swept to sea. It feels like I have no control over this. I feel like someone is going to find me dead, not by my own hands, but by some unforeseen force, like I spontaneously combusted with despair.
The ER counselor did not admit me to the psych ward, instead opting for me to talk to my psychiatrist about a partial-hospitalization program that I participated in last year. I don’t know what to do. The counselor was saying how I need to get my life back on track, but I don’t know how to do this. How do change? They don’t make how-to manuals on changing everything you have let yourself become. I need someone to tell me what to do. I need steps to take. I can’t do this on my own because I just don’t care enough to make the steps. I need for something to switch in my brain.
I want to erase every memory from the last ten years. Nothing good has come in the last ten years. I don’t want to remind myself of how horrible life has been. I don’t want to remember all of the negative self talk I have experienced. I want to go back to my high school self where the world hadn’t yet killed my spirit. I imagine my spirit as this decrepit soul, weighed down by chains, carrying a boulder the size of a small car and dripping wet from being doused with ice cold water. It is seeking solace, warmth, relief, but all it does is get colder, wetter, heavier, weaker. How do you come back from that?