Tag Archives: Castle

A Few of My Favorite Things

The Sound of Music is one of my favorite movies and although I don’t really understand why it has come to be known as a Christmastime movie, I figured I’d pay homage to the movie and list some of my favorite things in life.

1. Willie
2. Family
3. YouTube for Castle clips
4. Castle of course
5. Fanfiction
6. Internet
7. Lasagna
8. Pineapple
9. Cold Weather
10. My Bed
11. Liz Lemon GIFs
12. Stana Katic
13. Music
14. Water
15. Pudding

Yeah a lot of them are ridiculous, but I don’t care.

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Facial Cues

It is common among autistics that they have trouble deciphering peoples’ facial expressions and cues.  I believe that if it hadn’t been for my love of TV shows, I would be a lot worse off at reading people.  I have a very hard time meeting people’s eyes and always have, which is a classic autism symptom.  Because of this, I don’t really look at people so I can’t interpret what they are feeling from their face.  When I watch shows like Castle and Who’s The Boss? though, I am able to look at the characters’ faces because I am not in their realm so I don’t feel anxious about doing it.  I think I learned how to read people because of TV.  I can decipher subtle changes in characters which I don’t think I would have been able to do about 15 years ago.  So TV has been very beneficial in my life.

I’m Still Here

I saw my psychiatrist on October 3rd.  I managed to survive those two days.  My shrink essentially told me to take a few weeks off work and get off the night shift because the overnight hours seem to have been worsening my depression.  I ended up just quitting my job because there simply isn’t a job there that isn’t overnights.  So yet again, I am unemployed.  I applied for disability, so we will see if anything comes from that.

As much as I hate to say it, life has gotten a lot better since quitting.  I don’t have any money and I am basically dependent on my parents, but I feel like I am free from that anxiety.  I hope to someday soon be able to get back into the workforce but at the moment it isn’t something I am actively pursuing.  I have found myself laughing a lot more than I was the last two months.  I feel such immense joy when I watch Castle.  I missed that.

My shrink recommended me for a couple of partial programs.  I went to an intake appointment last Friday, but they didn’t think their program was the right fit for me, so they referred me to three other places.  I made an appointment with one of them in Chanhassen for next Tuesday.  I want to get started on all of this.  I want to change my life.

These Walls

Most people know I adore the show “Castle.” My favorite character being Kate Beckett.  I’ve come to the realization as of late that I am a lot like her in some ways.  I’m not one who dates and never have been.  I fear the intimacy that comes with being in a relationship and part of me feels like I will never be ready for dating.  I have walls, that years of loneliness, fear, disappointment, and lack of confidence has built around my heart.  Like Kate Beckett, I don’t let people in very easily.  I am a very open person, I don’t hide who I am, but I only share the trivial things about myself.  I don’t always share my fears or who I truly am.  I push people away by showing them the worst of me in hopes that I will scare them away and I will know exactly the type of person they are.  I have never met my Richard Castle; someone willing to break down my walls, see past my flaws, accept me for who I am, and know when I am pushing them away and stop it.  I guess I am just waiting for my Rick.  I’m waiting for someone to love me in spite of everything.

I just feel the need to cry

I feel overwhelmed with feelings right now for a bunch of different reasons.  The main feeling though is sadness and depression.  I feel the need to cry but no matter how much I try to the tears just don’t come.  I can’t seem to cry and I want to because usually I feel better once I get it out.

The main reason I feel sad is because I watched the Castle season finale last night and while I thought it was going to be a lighthearted episode, the ending ripped me to shreds and I feel sad about it.  It’s a stupid thing to feel sad about but I am totally in love with this show.  It is my current fixation and I just feel very upset about what happens to the characters.

Another reason I feel bad is because I have been very anxious today because I ended up not going to work again, which has been a problem for me.  I feel stupid for letting my anxiety take hold of me and get me to skip out on work, when I know I should go, but I continue to do it.  My mom sent me a link to an article about a study that was done on depressed people and they found that people with depression are more likely to have self-sabotaging behaviors and this is so very much me.  I self-sabotage all the time, like I am doing with work.  I don’t know how to change it though.  I wish I could because I’m tired of feeling like I am inadequate in life.

I have to go to my first summer class tonight and I really do not want to because I’d rather be at home reading fanfiction, which is something that has taken on a life of its own.  I feel obsessed with reading it all the time and I can’t seem to get away from it.  I was hanging out with friends and around about 10pm I just didn’t want to hang out anymore and I wanted to go home and read.  I would have pulled up some on my phone but it was dying, so I couldn’t do that either.

Anyway, I hope to get my life under control and back to how it was in high school where I was actually motivated to do well.

Pretty Pathetic

For the last few days I have been experiencing a lot of anxiety.  Right now, I am very anxious and I don’t know how to get rid of it.  I took a Valium (that I use for my back) in hopes that would calm me down, but it didn’t.  The main reason I am so anxious lately is because I am very worried about one of my TV shows not coming back for a 7th season.  One of the actors has been tweeting acting like it is the last season, but she could be just trying not to jinx it or she’s playing us.  Either way, it is making me freak out.  I know it is just a TV show, but it’s one of the few things that makes me happy anymore.  I would be devastated if it does not go on for another season.  I feel like I need at least one more season and then I’d properly feel like I could let it go if it needed to.  This limbo ABC has put the viewers in though is making me feel really uncomfortable.  I told my mom about my fears and she told me that I really need to get a life outside of the fantasy world I live in.  It is true that I live in a fantasy world.  I use it as an escape from my mediocre life.

Tomorrow, I’m probably going to go to urgent care and see if they can prescribe me some anti-anxiety meds until I can find a psychiatrist.  I have to work (aka do computer training) until 5pm and then I’ll go after that, then I’ll go to my parents’ house for a bit since I haven’t seen them in awhile.

Because of my anxiety I have not eaten a lot today and haven’t wanted to either.  I did eat a sandwich about an hour ago and my anxiety went away for a bit, but now it is back and I don’t know how I am going to get to sleep tonight.  I worry way too much.

Obsessions

I become very obsessional with certain things and sometimes these obsessions get the better of me.  For awhile as a child I was obsessed with learning about the presidents.  Later in high school, I became obsessed with baby names (and this is still a passion of mine).  Over the years, I’ve had a lot of things that I become completely absorbed in and it’s all I want to talk about, it is all I can think about and everything in life reminds me of this obsession.  Since high school, I’ve been more obsessed with TV shows and movies that have a romantic plot.  I remember in high school, my family went to a hotel for something and I brought along a VHS tape of my favorite movie at the time, Notting Hill, and even though there wasn’t a VHS player, I still brought it in hopes of seeing it somehow.  I couldn’t be away from it.  I was so engrossed in it.  A few years ago, I become completely obsessed with the TV show Bones.  That lasted for about a year and half before I became bored with it and I didn’t have an obsession for awhile.  Since July, I have become deeply in love with the show Castle.  Lately, this obsession has been getting the better of me and I can’t seem to stay away from watching YouTube clips or full episodes.  I read fanfiction until all hours of the night.  Last night, I read for 7 hours ONE fanfiction that was 172,000 words long, basically a 500 page book.

Despite absolutely loving these obsessions, they make me feel sad sometimes.  I feel alone, like I’m chasing something that isn’t real to love me in return.  I follow these obsessions with romantic ties because of how pathetic my love life is now.  I feel that if I ever have a romantic relationship, I’ll be so disappointed in it because it won’t live up to my expectations from these TV shows.  I want a life like those on TV and that is not at all realistic.  Part of me wants to stop being obsessed, but that is just one aspect of autism and I can’t change it.  I can change how much I watch or read about these shows, but I just don’t want to give up something I love so much, even if it makes me sad.  It’s a double edged sword.  Do I give up the one thing that gives me pleasure in my miserable life or do I continue to feel sad that this obsession is the only thing in my life that gives me pleasure.  I don’t know what to do.

I want a real relationship with someone, but I’m afraid I’ll never be ready for one because I’m so screwed up and damaged.  I don’t know how to fix myself.  I don’t know how to be a whole person and not pieces of a broken person.