It’s unfortunate when told to live everyday like it’s your last, the only thing you can see yourself doing on your last day of life is staying in bed. Is my belief that I am doing better really true? If I were to die tomorrow, why would I not be gathering all of my loved ones and having a giant party? What is it that makes me believe that if my death was imminent that no one would be there? If I knew that tomorrow, my Willow was going to die, I would spend every waking moment I could with her; holding her, snuggling her, breathing in her scent as her long fur catches in my nose. I would want her to know that my life was infinitely better because I had her. Why does the possibility of my death mean less to me than my cat’s? I’m sure that if I were to die tomorrow, that my loved ones would want to see me and say goodbye, yet some part of me thinks that my request to be around them would be met with contempt. I don’t know where this comes from. Is it from a lack of confidence or low self-esteem or is more that I have no self-worth? Am I worthy in my own eyes?
The Sound of Music is one of my favorite movies and although I don’t really understand why it has come to be known as a Christmastime movie, I figured I’d pay homage to the movie and list some of my favorite things in life.
3. YouTube for Castle clips
4. Castle of course
9. Cold Weather
10. My Bed
11. Liz Lemon GIFs
12. Stana Katic
Yeah a lot of them are ridiculous, but I don’t care.
Posted in Uncategorized
Tagged 30 rock, Castle, cats, christmas, family, fanfiction, favorite things, internet, liz lemon, sound of music, Stana Katic, youtube
I don’t feel anything. I don’t care at all. It just feels like I simply can’t care anymore. I really don’t know what to do. I do not want to die or anything, I just don’t care. I am a huge disappointment to everyone in my life, yet I can’t get myself to stop doing what I have been doing. I feel no purpose in life. I feel incapable of loving people. I feel incapable of everything. The world is pressing down on me and I am not fighting back. I’m letting it crush me, asphyxiate me slowly. The light inside of me is no longer the sun always shining, it is a candle constantly being blown out.
How do I start caring when the thought of doing so crushes me into immobility? I can’t face living. I don’t want to die though. I’m not only at the end of my rope, it is fraying quickly under my weight, under everything I am going through, everything I am feeling.
My cat is my everything. She gives me purpose, yet I feel myself losing that sense of purpose when I look at her. She deserves better than me. She deserves someone who will fight for her, who will give her everything and not give up on themselves. She loves me unconditionally and I her, but when I can’t even seem to care about feeding her when she is begging for food, how does that show her that I love her?
I don’t know what to do anymore. I’ve been considering checking myself into the mental hospital because nothing seems to be working. I have no idea where to go from here.
Posted in Uncategorized
Tagged anxiety, asd, Asperger, Asperger syndrome, asperger's, asperger's syndrome, Autism, cat, cats, depression, living, purpose, suicidal, suicide
I’ve had two potential jobs in the midst. One was an at-home editor for a market research firm. I wanted that job because I knew my anxiety wouldn’t be bad because I’d be working from home. While I was waiting for the next steps on that job though, I got a call from a temp agency saying they had a position for me working in a warehouse for a grocery delivery service. I decided to check it out and did a job shadow for an hour the other day. Afterwards I had to decide if I wanted the job, which I did. My first day was yesterday night into this morning. I work from 10PM to 4AM Mondays, Tuesdays, Thursdays and Fridays. I am actually quite happy with this job because I work in a cooler that is around 50 degrees. I absolutely hate heat and think anything higher than 65 degrees is too hot. I also don’t have to work with any customers which is probably the best thing. I would get very anxious before work in the past because I couldn’t handle the thought of dealing with people for 8 hours. I don’t feel this way with the warehouse job.
I made it through my first shift, but because I have been pretty much sedentary for a long time, I was in so much pain from standing for 6 hours. My back hurt so bad and I had to sit down a few times in the last hour because I was shaking from the pain. I hope to build up stamina soon enough though, it’ll just take a bit.
When I got home from work, I was so cold. I only wore a long sleeved blouse and jeans to work and didn’t bring a sweater. I learned the hard way that I probably shouldn’t have done that. I could not get warm no matter what I did. I only have one blanket and it is enough most days, but this morning I was shivering so much I had to search for something else. I ended up finding a Snuggie in the family room that belonged to one of my parents. It was exactly what I needed and I felt so much better. Now that I don’t need it right now, it is sitting in my bed and since Willie absolutely loves fleece, she has been sleeping on it for awhile.