Tag Archives: death

Just some musings.

It’s unfortunate when told to live everyday like it’s your last, the only thing you can see yourself doing on your last day of life is staying in bed.  Is my belief that I am doing better really true?  If I were to die tomorrow, why would I not be gathering all of my loved ones and having a giant party?  What is it that makes me believe that if my death was imminent that no one would be there?  If I knew that tomorrow, my Willow was going to die, I would spend every waking moment I could with her; holding her, snuggling her, breathing in her scent as her long fur catches in my nose.  I would want her to know that my life was infinitely better because I had her.  Why does the possibility of my death mean less to me than my cat’s?  I’m sure that if I were to die tomorrow, that my loved ones would want to see me and say goodbye, yet some part of me thinks that my request to be around them would be met with contempt.  I don’t know where this comes from.  Is it from a lack of confidence or low self-esteem or is more that I have no self-worth?  Am I worthy in my own eyes?

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Gloomy Sunday

I wrote this tonight and really like how it turned out.  It’s inspired by the Billie Holiday song “Gloomy Sunday.”

I awaken realizing you are no longer there.  The complete despair leaching into my soul leaves me hollow.  How can I go on without you?  Life isn’t worth living in a world where you no longer exist.  The angels have taken you, never giving me a chance to tell you one last time how much I loved you.  That is what kills me, knowing our last words weren’t confessions of love.  Oh, how I long to hold you one last time, smell your uniqueness, caress your cheek as I gaze longingly into your blue eyes, smiling ever so slightly.  We’d sit on our couch while you tell me about your day and I’d listen intently, hanging on your every word because that is what you did to me.  I was so in love with you.  I am so in love with you.  I became a new person the day we met and I’ve never regretted the change.  You made me a better person, someone not so closed off and resistant to the idea of love.

I throw my legs out of the bed, dropping my head into my hands, knowing how hard it was going to be to function without you by my side.  How can I go on without the person who gave me everything and more?  How can I ever say goodbye as they lower you into the ground, throwing flowers, like our dreams, into a pit six feet deep?  The angels are never going to give you back, no matter how much pleading and begging I do in the minutes before I fall into a restless slumber.

I place my bare feet on the cold wood floor and shuffle to the wardrobe that holds the black outfit your mother picked out for me to wear as I say my final goodbyes.  The dress can never convey the emptiness I feel since you left.  No one understands the misery I undergo without the love of my life holding me at night.

Robotically, I slip the black dress over my body, tears threatening to fall.  Today I say goodbye to you, my love, but would the angels forgive me if I joined you?  Would they forgive me if I gave everything up to be with you again?  Being with you is all that matters, even if death is the only way.

I sneak out the front door and take a cab across the city, instructing the driver to take me to the Brooklyn Bridge.  I’ll see you, my love; it won’t be long until you are in my arms again.  I reach my final destination, pay the cabbie and walk along the side of the bridge.  I stare over the edge, my heart beating wildly at the anticipation of seeing you.  I climb over the railing, look down at my fate and let go.

I awaken, my heart beat pulsating in my ears, my breathing ragged and quick.  I am in our bed, alive.  I glance over to your side and I see you sleeping peacefully.  I watch the rise and fall of your chest, relieved that it was all a dream.  Sliding closer to you, I lay my head on your shoulder and whisper into your ear everything about how much I love you and need you.  You rustle in your sleep and your eyes pop open.  Blue meets hazel and a sleepy smile graces your lips.  I love you, my love, always.