My last day at the IOP program I have been going to is December 8th. I feel really good about having done this program. I feel better about life because I have a reason to get up in the morning and I have actually been going everyday. One of the reasons I never could hold down a job was because I never actually went. I believe the reason I did that was because I told myself I was unreliable and I believed that I could not change that. I believed that that was who I had become and I couldn’t do anything about it. This group has taught me that I can be reliable and I have it in me to do what is expected of me. I feel a little more confident in myself. As much as I want to get back to the super driven person I was in high school, I just have to accept that I can’t do that at the moment. I might someday get there, but I can’t expect myself to jump right back into that life.
I have been doing pretty well about not isolating myself in my bedroom lately either. When I get home from group I will go in the living room and read or go online for awhile. Before I would just spend the entire day in my bedroom and wouldn’t see anyone. I did isolate myself today because I just wasn’t feeling like being in the living room this afternoon, so I spent time with Willie in my room, which she was happy about.
I’ve noticed that I have been having memory or recall issues lately. I don’t know if it is my meds or something else though. It feels like if my brain is a maze and the destination for what I want to know is just right there, my brain takes the super long route around and through the maze to get to the answer when it was just a few simple steps ahead.
I have been working with a nonprofit here that helps people with autism find jobs, so I am hoping I will have a job pretty soon.
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Tagged anxiety, asd, Asperger, Asperger syndrome, asperger's, asperger's syndrome, Autism, Autism spectrum, autism spectrum disorder, autistic disorder, depression, Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, disability, Disorders, DSM, DSM-5, failure, future, IOP, medication, medications, meds, memory, memory issues, treatment
I saw my psychiatrist on October 3rd. I managed to survive those two days. My shrink essentially told me to take a few weeks off work and get off the night shift because the overnight hours seem to have been worsening my depression. I ended up just quitting my job because there simply isn’t a job there that isn’t overnights. So yet again, I am unemployed. I applied for disability, so we will see if anything comes from that.
As much as I hate to say it, life has gotten a lot better since quitting. I don’t have any money and I am basically dependent on my parents, but I feel like I am free from that anxiety. I hope to someday soon be able to get back into the workforce but at the moment it isn’t something I am actively pursuing. I have found myself laughing a lot more than I was the last two months. I feel such immense joy when I watch Castle. I missed that.
My shrink recommended me for a couple of partial programs. I went to an intake appointment last Friday, but they didn’t think their program was the right fit for me, so they referred me to three other places. I made an appointment with one of them in Chanhassen for next Tuesday. I want to get started on all of this. I want to change my life.
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Tagged anxiety, asd, Asperger, Asperger syndrome, asperger's, asperger's syndrome, Autism, Autism spectrum, autism spectrum disorder, autistic disorder, Castle, depression, Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, disability, Disorders, DSM, DSM-5, failure, fanfiction, future, Handicapped, happiness, Health, Nathan Fillion, psychiatry, psychology, Stana Katic
Classes started up last week and I think I’m going to enjoy this semester for the most part. I may not like my online class that much because the instructor has so much stuff to look at on the class website that I am having trouble knowing when things are due. I am excited for my HTML class because I can directly apply what I learn to my career goals. I am taking a magazine writing class and that overwhelms me a bit. I want to be a writer, but I don’t think I have a lot of good ideas. Once I get a good idea though, I struggle with actually writing. I keep feeling like my brain is too jumbled and clogged with unnecessary stress and worries that I find it really hard to break through that and actually write something. I love to write, but I find it so hard to do lately. I think my computer is the problem. I am always on it and I can’t seem to step away from it. Everything I ever want to do is on my computer. TV shows, friends, the Internet. I hate that this thing has such a huge hold on me.
In my magazine writing class we have to write three articles and I am struggling to come up with an original idea. I wanted to start by doing an article on my personal experiences with autism, but my instructor doesn’t want us to write in the first person, so I have to find a new topic. I was considering writing one on the supposed “Moonlighting Curse” when it comes to TV shows, but that has already been written. I was getting some interesting ideas while I was driving home from class tonight and I thought about possibly writing an article on how hiring a person with autism will be beneficial to the employer. That is basically the only idea I have right now.
Life is still life. I have been discouraged by my chronic unemployment. I have a job interview skills seminar next Monday and I hope that helps me a lot. I am feeling sad all the time because I have been cooped up in the apartment for basically the last three months and I haven’t seen anyone but my roommate. It gets really lonely not doing anything but hang out in your room alone on your computer. I have my stupid cat, but she can’t offer advice on life.
Everyone is trying to help me with my job search but I feel very disgruntled toward them pushing me to do things I don’t want to do and giving me advice I don’t really want to hear. I realize they want to help but I still feel like they are just disappointed in me and are tired of me being the person I have become as an unemployed person. I hate feeling like I am resentful for people, but it really does piss me off when people comment on my Facebook nagging me to get a job. I get interviews quite a bit, but the fact of the matter is, I have a demeanor about me that is off-putting to employers and I have no idea how to change that. My autism affects the way my face looks when I’m relaxed, so people assume I am angry or apathetic toward something, but really I am just being my normal self. When people tell me to just be more engaging, I don’t know how to do that. I try to keep a smile on my face while interviewing, but having to constantly think about smiling and appearing interested causes me to forget everything I had tried to rehearse prior to getting there. I rehearse before every interview, but I can’t do the smiling and saying the right thing at the same time and most of the time I get so nervous that I don’t say the right thing. It’s an all around frustrating thing.
So here I am, three months unemployed, still no health insurance, so I can’t pick up my medications because I can’t afford them and I am basically feeling like a complete failure. It’s hard to stay positive when you kind of suck at everything you do.
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Tagged asd, Asperger, Asperger syndrome, asperger's, asperger's syndrome, Autism, Autism spectrum, Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, DSM, DSM-5, interviews, job hunting, job interviews, job search, Mental Health, unemployment
I had an appointment with the autism therapist yesterday where she confirmed that I am indeed on the spectrum. I took a diagnostic test that I thought was called RADS (maybe it wasn’t, I don’t know) and in order to be considered autistic you need a 65 or higher. I scored 110. The therapist and I then went through the DSM IV and DSM V diagnosis tools. In order to be diagnosed with autistic disorder with DSM IV, I needed a certain number of items in each category and I met the minimum requirements for each one. So I don’t actually have Asperger’s. I have autistic disorder or simply autism.
I wanted some help from the therapist about an upcoming job interview (that happened this morning), so she helped me brainstorm some ideas of what I should say and what I shouldn’t say. I asked her if I should mention that I have autism because the job I applied for is with a non-profit that works with people with disabilities. She said it was up to me and I decided I wouldn’t divulge it, at least not initially.
About the interview though, I thought it went pretty well, but I was still hesitant to get hopeful because I’ve been let down so many times in the past. The interviewer said that she was going to call the top 2 or 3 candidates for second interviews and within an hour of leaving the building I got a call asking to come in on Monday for another interview! I’m still trying to not get my hopes up because again, I don’t want to be let down again. I want to be hopeful so badly though. It’s just who I am.