I decided to look over some of my earlier posts from before my time in IOP. I wasn’t completely aware how much different I felt until I read over those entries. Here are some quotes from my October posts:
I don’t plan on doing anything drastic, but it just feels like this emptiness I have been experiencing is just going to engulf me. It’s like I am standing on the shoreline and a giant wave is just going to drown me and my lifeless body will be swept to sea. It feels like I have no control over this. I feel like someone is going to find me dead, not by my own hands, but by some unforeseen force, like I spontaneously combusted with despair … I imagine my spirit as this decrepit soul, weighed down by chains, carrying a boulder the size of a small car and dripping wet from being doused with ice cold water. It is seeking solace, warmth, relief, but all it does is get colder, wetter, heavier, weaker. How do you come back from that?
The world is pressing down on me and I am not fighting back. I’m letting it crush me, asphyxiate me slowly. The light inside of me is no longer the sun always shining, it is a candle constantly being blown out … How do I start caring when the thought of doing so crushes me into immobility? I can’t face living. I don’t want to die though. I’m not only at the end of my rope, it is fraying quickly under my weight, under everything I am going through, everything I am feeling.
I feel, dare I say it, hopeful now. I feel like I have purpose and I can do the things I want to do and succeed at them. I don’t constantly feel like I am putting up roadblocks from my goals. I know I still sometimes do that, but I don’t feel like they are impenetrable like they once were. While my sleep schedule and issues are still wonky and need to be worked on, I feel I can fix that if I push myself to change.
I still do not have a job, but I am actively looking. While I do not want to take just any shitty job out there, it’s becoming more and more likely that that is just what I have to do for now. I do not want that at all, but apparently being a grown up means doing things you don’t want to do to better yourself. I once was capable of doing such things, but haven’t in several years. Maybe it’s time to start.
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Tagged adulthood, anxiety, asd, Asperger, Asperger syndrome, asperger's, asperger's syndrome, Autism, Autism spectrum, autism spectrum disorder, autistic disorder, careers, depression, disability, employment, future, happiness, jobs, Mental Health, sadness, suicidal, suicide, unemployment
That interview I talked about in my last post did happen. I stayed up all night so I could make the interview because I know myself and if I was in anyway drowsy from sleep, I would have skipped the interview. Well, it turns out it was a very good thing that I went to the interview because I was hired immediately. I am back to being a cashier, but hopefully it won’t be as bad as it was at the grocery store. I’m working at a home improvement store now and I’m waiting for the call telling me when I can go in for training. I had to get drug tested the day I accepted the position and considering I never drink and I have never even smoked a cigarette, I’m certain to pass the drug test. Anyway, I’m nervous about starting a new job because it is a different place with different people. I worry my old habits will come back and I won’t show up on time or I will call in sick a lot. I was never a good employee when it came to attendance. I’m hoping to change that though. I need to.
I have an appointment with a therapist on April 7th. I haven’t seen a therapist since my time in treatment last May. I need to figure out my crap. I need intense therapy and I need to figure out coping strategies so I can live as normal a life as possible. I also have an appointment with the person who diagnosed me with autism later in April, so hopefully she can help me figure out how to secure an apartment that I can afford.
I’ve been dog sitting for my mom’s coworker and will be until Friday or Saturday. The dog is a big sweetheart named Jazi, she’s a Rottweiler and seems to have gotten used to me coming into her home three times a day to let her outside. It does suck that I have to drive there 3 times a day though, it’s probably 3 miles from my apartment, but still. I could probably stay there for the day but they don’t have wi-fi so I can’t do anything but use the 4G on my phone or watch TV. I watched a couple of Castle episodes today when I went over there. I usually stay a couple of hours in the afternoon so the dog doesn’t get lonely without anyone there all day. I’m going to have to go and let the dog out in about an hour around midnight.
Anyway, so now I have a job, I have health insurance and can go see therapists finally and get my prescriptions for cheap and I finally have a reason to get out of bed in the morning (job) and go somewhere. It isn’t my dream job in any way, but it’s something until I can pursue my dream.
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Tagged asd, Asperger, Asperger syndrome, asperger's, asperger's syndrome, Autism, Autism spectrum, autistic disorder, cashier, depression, dog, dog sitting, dogs, employment, Mental Health, unemployment