Tag Archives: failure

IOP Update

My last day at the IOP program I have been going to is December 8th.  I feel really good about having done this program.  I feel better about life because I have a reason to get up in the morning and I have actually been going everyday.  One of the reasons I never could hold down a job was because I never actually went.  I believe the reason I did that was because I told myself I was unreliable and I believed that I could not change that.  I believed that that was who I had become and I couldn’t do anything about it.  This group has taught me that I can be reliable and I have it in me to do what is expected of me.  I feel a little more confident in myself.  As much as I want to get back to the super driven person I was in high school, I just have to accept that I can’t do that at the moment.  I might someday get there, but I can’t expect myself to jump right back into that life.

I have been doing pretty well about not isolating myself in my bedroom lately either.  When I get home from group I will go in the living room and read or go online for awhile.  Before I would just spend the entire day in my bedroom and wouldn’t see anyone.  I did isolate myself today because I just wasn’t feeling like being in the living room this afternoon, so I spent time with Willie in my room, which she was happy about.

I’ve noticed that I have been having memory or recall issues lately.  I don’t know if it is my meds or something else though.  It feels like if my brain is a maze and the destination for what I want to know is just right there, my brain takes the super long route around and through the maze to get to the answer when it was just a few simple steps ahead.

I have been working with a nonprofit here that helps people with autism find jobs, so I am hoping I will have a job pretty soon.

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I’m Still Here

I saw my psychiatrist on October 3rd.  I managed to survive those two days.  My shrink essentially told me to take a few weeks off work and get off the night shift because the overnight hours seem to have been worsening my depression.  I ended up just quitting my job because there simply isn’t a job there that isn’t overnights.  So yet again, I am unemployed.  I applied for disability, so we will see if anything comes from that.

As much as I hate to say it, life has gotten a lot better since quitting.  I don’t have any money and I am basically dependent on my parents, but I feel like I am free from that anxiety.  I hope to someday soon be able to get back into the workforce but at the moment it isn’t something I am actively pursuing.  I have found myself laughing a lot more than I was the last two months.  I feel such immense joy when I watch Castle.  I missed that.

My shrink recommended me for a couple of partial programs.  I went to an intake appointment last Friday, but they didn’t think their program was the right fit for me, so they referred me to three other places.  I made an appointment with one of them in Chanhassen for next Tuesday.  I want to get started on all of this.  I want to change my life.

I need some control

I went to my primary doctor last Monday and was put on Metformin and Spironolactone.  Metformin is for my PCOS and Spironolactone is for blood pressure and also will help with the symptoms of PCOS, like acne and unwanted body hair.  I read through some of the side effects of the two meds and found that one of them can make antidepressants less effective.  Lately, I have been feeling out of control again.  I haven’t been going to all of my appointments all the time and I’ve been missing things that I need to show up for.  I don’t know if this is a result of the antidepressants not working or I really am losing control of things in my life.  It just seems so hard to get out of bed these days.  I slept on and off from 9pm yesterday to 5pm today.  It is has become ridiculous.

I came to the conclusion yesterday morning that I have become a little addicted to social media.  I figured out that in the last two months I have tweeted 378 times.  Yesterday, I tweeted 11 times.  It really seems to be again, out of control.  I decided to prevent myself from accessing Facebook and Twitter as easily as I have, so I took the apps off my phone, set up stricter blocks on Chrome and logged out of both sites so I actually have to log in if I want to go on it.  So far, I haven’t been on either site since 11:30 am yesterday.  I still allow myself to go on Fanfiction.net because I really don’t want to limit myself there, but maybe someday I’ll start controlling that site too.  It’s hard to stop constantly checking those sites, but I find it nice that I haven’t been getting alerts on my phone about every message I receive.

I want to feel better about everything, but once something good happens to me, it feels like more bad things happen.

Expectations of Life

Have you ever felt like you were just floating through life with no direction or purpose?  I have felt like this for almost ten years.  The entire length of my twenties have been spent in this state of “I don’t know where the hell I am going and part of me doesn’t really care.”  I want to care.  I want to experience true, unadulterated happiness and exuberance with life.  As of yet, at the age of 27, I have not come close to that.  I watched this Hallmark movie (one of my favorites actually) and the main character asks the other main character, “Have you ever had just one perfect day?”  I have never experienced a perfect day.  I can’t even fathom having one because it just doesn’t seem possible.  It seems impossible for me to experience true joy and happiness.  I’ve been depressed pretty much my entire life.  There was a two year period in high school when I wasn’t depressed, but that didn’t last long at all.  Once I left high school, I changed for the worst.  I turned from this hard working, nothing-will-ever-get-me-down kid to a slacker who couldn’t get out of bed and it’s been almost ten years and I’m still in this phase.  Part of me is wondering if this is even a phase and it just is who I was always supposed to be.

I finally have health insurance starting April 1st and in preparation of that I have been researching therapists.  It hit me while I was researching that I am going to be homeless in 3 months if I don’t start getting down to business.  My roommate is moving in with her boyfriend and I am left, without a job, to find a place for myself.  I’m looking for Section 42 housing because that is all I can afford at the moment, but I don’t know where I am going to be getting a job, so I don’t want to pick a place that is far from where I will potentially work.

I’m lost.  I don’t know what I want out of life.  I want to go back into the science field, pursue a career in forensics, but what is holding me back is that I have 1 year left to get the degree I’m currently pursuing and I don’t want to be in school until 2017, building more debt for myself.  If someone gave me $65,000 today, I’d pay off all my loans and pursue the science degree, but I don’t have that kind of luck.  I still want to be a writer, but I don’t think I am good enough to ever be successful at it.  My dream job is a forensic specialist who writes on the side, ideally for a television show.  I have so many dreams.  I have a very rich fantasy life, but I don’t go after what I want.  I don’t know what to do to change this.