I am a fearful person and I wish I wasn’t. I want to do so much with my life, but my fears keep me back. The ironic thing is that I fear doing things but one of my greatest fears is not doing what is important to me.
My birthday is tomorrow (June 4th) and I will be turning 29. As a teenager when I imagined how my life would be now, I thought I would be in a completely different place. I am not exactly happy with where I am, but I am going to change that. My plan is to spend the next year until I turn 30, doing things that scare the crap out of me. I want to go outside my comfort zone and be the person who isn’t afraid to live. I want to be whom I’ve always meant to be. I’ve started a list of things that I want to accomplish this year that I find scary. Some of them are as simple as saying “hi” to a stranger and some are as difficult as standing up for myself or admitting my wrongs. I want to do this and I am going to. Here is a complete list of things I am going to do:
Have you ever felt like you were just floating through life with no direction or purpose? I have felt like this for almost ten years. The entire length of my twenties have been spent in this state of “I don’t know where the hell I am going and part of me doesn’t really care.” I want to care. I want to experience true, unadulterated happiness and exuberance with life. As of yet, at the age of 27, I have not come close to that. I watched this Hallmark movie (one of my favorites actually) and the main character asks the other main character, “Have you ever had just one perfect day?” I have never experienced a perfect day. I can’t even fathom having one because it just doesn’t seem possible. It seems impossible for me to experience true joy and happiness. I’ve been depressed pretty much my entire life. There was a two year period in high school when I wasn’t depressed, but that didn’t last long at all. Once I left high school, I changed for the worst. I turned from this hard working, nothing-will-ever-get-me-down kid to a slacker who couldn’t get out of bed and it’s been almost ten years and I’m still in this phase. Part of me is wondering if this is even a phase and it just is who I was always supposed to be.
I finally have health insurance starting April 1st and in preparation of that I have been researching therapists. It hit me while I was researching that I am going to be homeless in 3 months if I don’t start getting down to business. My roommate is moving in with her boyfriend and I am left, without a job, to find a place for myself. I’m looking for Section 42 housing because that is all I can afford at the moment, but I don’t know where I am going to be getting a job, so I don’t want to pick a place that is far from where I will potentially work.
I’m lost. I don’t know what I want out of life. I want to go back into the science field, pursue a career in forensics, but what is holding me back is that I have 1 year left to get the degree I’m currently pursuing and I don’t want to be in school until 2017, building more debt for myself. If someone gave me $65,000 today, I’d pay off all my loans and pursue the science degree, but I don’t have that kind of luck. I still want to be a writer, but I don’t think I am good enough to ever be successful at it. My dream job is a forensic specialist who writes on the side, ideally for a television show. I have so many dreams. I have a very rich fantasy life, but I don’t go after what I want. I don’t know what to do to change this.
Posted in Uncategorized
Tagged asd, Asperger, Asperger syndrome, asperger's, asperger's syndrome, Autism, Autism spectrum, autistic disorder, depression, dreams, failure, forensics, goals, life, Mental Health, sadness, unemployment, writer, writing