Tag Archives: happiness

Comparison to Three Months Ago

I decided to look over some of my earlier posts from before my time in IOP. I wasn’t completely aware how much different I felt until I read over those entries.  Here are some quotes from my October posts:

I don’t plan on doing anything drastic, but it just feels like this emptiness I have been experiencing is just going to engulf me.  It’s like I am standing on the shoreline and a giant wave is just going to drown me and my lifeless body will be swept to sea.  It feels like I have no control over this.  I feel like someone is going to find me dead, not by my own hands, but by some unforeseen force, like I spontaneously combusted with despair … I imagine my spirit as this decrepit soul, weighed down by chains, carrying a boulder the size of a small car and dripping wet from being doused with ice cold water.  It is seeking solace, warmth, relief, but all it does is get colder, wetter, heavier, weaker.  How do you come back from that?

The world is pressing down on me and I am not fighting back.  I’m letting it crush me, asphyxiate me slowly.  The light inside of me is no longer the sun always shining, it is a candle constantly being blown out … How do I start caring when the thought of doing so crushes me into immobility?  I can’t face living.  I don’t want to die though.  I’m not only at the end of my rope, it is fraying quickly under my weight, under everything I am going through, everything I am feeling.

I feel, dare I say it, hopeful now. I feel like I have purpose and I can do the things I want to do and succeed at them.  I don’t constantly feel like I am putting up roadblocks from my goals.  I know I still sometimes do that, but I don’t feel like they are impenetrable like they once were.  While my sleep schedule and issues are still wonky and need to be worked on, I feel I can fix that if I push myself to change.

I still do not have a job, but I am actively looking.  While I do not want to take just any shitty job out there, it’s becoming more and more likely that that is just what I have to do for now.  I do not want that at all, but apparently being a grown up means doing things you don’t want to do to better yourself.  I once was capable of doing such things, but haven’t in several years.  Maybe it’s time to start.

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I’m Still Here

I saw my psychiatrist on October 3rd.  I managed to survive those two days.  My shrink essentially told me to take a few weeks off work and get off the night shift because the overnight hours seem to have been worsening my depression.  I ended up just quitting my job because there simply isn’t a job there that isn’t overnights.  So yet again, I am unemployed.  I applied for disability, so we will see if anything comes from that.

As much as I hate to say it, life has gotten a lot better since quitting.  I don’t have any money and I am basically dependent on my parents, but I feel like I am free from that anxiety.  I hope to someday soon be able to get back into the workforce but at the moment it isn’t something I am actively pursuing.  I have found myself laughing a lot more than I was the last two months.  I feel such immense joy when I watch Castle.  I missed that.

My shrink recommended me for a couple of partial programs.  I went to an intake appointment last Friday, but they didn’t think their program was the right fit for me, so they referred me to three other places.  I made an appointment with one of them in Chanhassen for next Tuesday.  I want to get started on all of this.  I want to change my life.

I need some control

I went to my primary doctor last Monday and was put on Metformin and Spironolactone.  Metformin is for my PCOS and Spironolactone is for blood pressure and also will help with the symptoms of PCOS, like acne and unwanted body hair.  I read through some of the side effects of the two meds and found that one of them can make antidepressants less effective.  Lately, I have been feeling out of control again.  I haven’t been going to all of my appointments all the time and I’ve been missing things that I need to show up for.  I don’t know if this is a result of the antidepressants not working or I really am losing control of things in my life.  It just seems so hard to get out of bed these days.  I slept on and off from 9pm yesterday to 5pm today.  It is has become ridiculous.

I came to the conclusion yesterday morning that I have become a little addicted to social media.  I figured out that in the last two months I have tweeted 378 times.  Yesterday, I tweeted 11 times.  It really seems to be again, out of control.  I decided to prevent myself from accessing Facebook and Twitter as easily as I have, so I took the apps off my phone, set up stricter blocks on Chrome and logged out of both sites so I actually have to log in if I want to go on it.  So far, I haven’t been on either site since 11:30 am yesterday.  I still allow myself to go on Fanfiction.net because I really don’t want to limit myself there, but maybe someday I’ll start controlling that site too.  It’s hard to stop constantly checking those sites, but I find it nice that I haven’t been getting alerts on my phone about every message I receive.

I want to feel better about everything, but once something good happens to me, it feels like more bad things happen.

Life is weird

I have a bunch of stuff going on right now and a lot of things to worry about.  I’m still waiting to hear about that job I interviewed for on Wednesday.  I sent a thank you letter and all that too.  I am just worried that I won’t get it and I’ll have to start over again waiting for an interview.  My mom keeps trying to get me to apply at Target, but I really don’t want to work there.  I don’t want to deal with customers.  I worked for 5 years in customer service and I was miserable.  I don’t want to go back to that.  The thought of working with people again in the fast paced environment of a store sets me on edge and makes me anxious.  I took a freaking lorazepam the other day for the first time in over a month because I’ve just felt really overwhelmed.

Today, I had class and because I ran out of gas, I had to borrow my parents’ Jeep to go.  I got home and found out both my parents were angry at me because they feel like I’m taking them for granted.  I didn’t intend for that to happen, I wanted the opposite.  My dad lectured me for a good twenty minutes or so telling me how he wants more from me and to see me get on with my life.  I want that too, but something is holding me back.  I think it’s fear.  Fear of something…living, success, failure, life maybe.

So I have been going off of my Tourette’s medication the last two weeks now.  I am down to 2mg (originally 4mg) and my tics are now very present.  Haldol has been the only medication that I have tried that seemed to control my tics.  I’m scared and worried that I won’t find a safer drug that can do the same thing.  I don’t want to be ticcing all the time.  Sometimes I don’t realize I’m doing it, but most of the time I know I am ticcing and I can’t stop it and I drive myself crazy.  For the most part I do only have a mild case of Tourette’s, but the low pitch humming I do all the time really annoys me.  I can handle the excessive blinking.

Still Dealing

I have an appointment next Thursday with my general practitioner to get me on some anxiety meds.  It seriously can’t come soon enough.  I am feeling really anxious right now because I had some caffeinated pop with my meal at Red Robin and that always makes me on edge.  I generally avoid caffeine because I don’t need it to get energized.  I have never had coffee and plan on never having it, but pop is another story.  Whenever I have caffeinated pop it makes me feel really anxious and I have a difficult time settling down.  In addition to the caffeine problem, I am worried about going to work tomorrow.  I have been anxious before work every time I go in.  It gets so bad that I feel sick and very uncomfortable.  I usually feel fine when I get to work, but the anticipation of going gets me really upset.  I just need to remember that I am fine once I get there, but the anxiety tends to overshadow that thought and I still continue to feel bad.  I see my therapist on Thursday as well and in addition I see my autism counselor so I will have a full day of appointments.

Lately, I have been thinking of going for a Bachelor of Science degree in either Biochem or biology, but after I graduate with my writing degree.  I still really want to work in forensics and the thing that is holding me back is the fact that I am scared to go for it.  I’ll be deeply in debt, but I think it will be worth it if I am happy.  I just need to get myself to do it.

Obsessions

I become very obsessional with certain things and sometimes these obsessions get the better of me.  For awhile as a child I was obsessed with learning about the presidents.  Later in high school, I became obsessed with baby names (and this is still a passion of mine).  Over the years, I’ve had a lot of things that I become completely absorbed in and it’s all I want to talk about, it is all I can think about and everything in life reminds me of this obsession.  Since high school, I’ve been more obsessed with TV shows and movies that have a romantic plot.  I remember in high school, my family went to a hotel for something and I brought along a VHS tape of my favorite movie at the time, Notting Hill, and even though there wasn’t a VHS player, I still brought it in hopes of seeing it somehow.  I couldn’t be away from it.  I was so engrossed in it.  A few years ago, I become completely obsessed with the TV show Bones.  That lasted for about a year and half before I became bored with it and I didn’t have an obsession for awhile.  Since July, I have become deeply in love with the show Castle.  Lately, this obsession has been getting the better of me and I can’t seem to stay away from watching YouTube clips or full episodes.  I read fanfiction until all hours of the night.  Last night, I read for 7 hours ONE fanfiction that was 172,000 words long, basically a 500 page book.

Despite absolutely loving these obsessions, they make me feel sad sometimes.  I feel alone, like I’m chasing something that isn’t real to love me in return.  I follow these obsessions with romantic ties because of how pathetic my love life is now.  I feel that if I ever have a romantic relationship, I’ll be so disappointed in it because it won’t live up to my expectations from these TV shows.  I want a life like those on TV and that is not at all realistic.  Part of me wants to stop being obsessed, but that is just one aspect of autism and I can’t change it.  I can change how much I watch or read about these shows, but I just don’t want to give up something I love so much, even if it makes me sad.  It’s a double edged sword.  Do I give up the one thing that gives me pleasure in my miserable life or do I continue to feel sad that this obsession is the only thing in my life that gives me pleasure.  I don’t know what to do.

I want a real relationship with someone, but I’m afraid I’ll never be ready for one because I’m so screwed up and damaged.  I don’t know how to fix myself.  I don’t know how to be a whole person and not pieces of a broken person.