Obsessions

I become very obsessional with certain things and sometimes these obsessions get the better of me.  For awhile as a child I was obsessed with learning about the presidents.  Later in high school, I became obsessed with baby names (and this is still a passion of mine).  Over the years, I’ve had a lot of things that I become completely absorbed in and it’s all I want to talk about, it is all I can think about and everything in life reminds me of this obsession.  Since high school, I’ve been more obsessed with TV shows and movies that have a romantic plot.  I remember in high school, my family went to a hotel for something and I brought along a VHS tape of my favorite movie at the time, Notting Hill, and even though there wasn’t a VHS player, I still brought it in hopes of seeing it somehow.  I couldn’t be away from it.  I was so engrossed in it.  A few years ago, I become completely obsessed with the TV show Bones.  That lasted for about a year and half before I became bored with it and I didn’t have an obsession for awhile.  Since July, I have become deeply in love with the show Castle.  Lately, this obsession has been getting the better of me and I can’t seem to stay away from watching YouTube clips or full episodes.  I read fanfiction until all hours of the night.  Last night, I read for 7 hours ONE fanfiction that was 172,000 words long, basically a 500 page book.

Despite absolutely loving these obsessions, they make me feel sad sometimes.  I feel alone, like I’m chasing something that isn’t real to love me in return.  I follow these obsessions with romantic ties because of how pathetic my love life is now.  I feel that if I ever have a romantic relationship, I’ll be so disappointed in it because it won’t live up to my expectations from these TV shows.  I want a life like those on TV and that is not at all realistic.  Part of me wants to stop being obsessed, but that is just one aspect of autism and I can’t change it.  I can change how much I watch or read about these shows, but I just don’t want to give up something I love so much, even if it makes me sad.  It’s a double edged sword.  Do I give up the one thing that gives me pleasure in my miserable life or do I continue to feel sad that this obsession is the only thing in my life that gives me pleasure.  I don’t know what to do.

I want a real relationship with someone, but I’m afraid I’ll never be ready for one because I’m so screwed up and damaged.  I don’t know how to fix myself.  I don’t know how to be a whole person and not pieces of a broken person.