I saw my psychiatrist on October 3rd. I managed to survive those two days. My shrink essentially told me to take a few weeks off work and get off the night shift because the overnight hours seem to have been worsening my depression. I ended up just quitting my job because there simply isn’t a job there that isn’t overnights. So yet again, I am unemployed. I applied for disability, so we will see if anything comes from that.
As much as I hate to say it, life has gotten a lot better since quitting. I don’t have any money and I am basically dependent on my parents, but I feel like I am free from that anxiety. I hope to someday soon be able to get back into the workforce but at the moment it isn’t something I am actively pursuing. I have found myself laughing a lot more than I was the last two months. I feel such immense joy when I watch Castle. I missed that.
My shrink recommended me for a couple of partial programs. I went to an intake appointment last Friday, but they didn’t think their program was the right fit for me, so they referred me to three other places. I made an appointment with one of them in Chanhassen for next Tuesday. I want to get started on all of this. I want to change my life.
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Tagged anxiety, asd, Asperger, Asperger syndrome, asperger's, asperger's syndrome, Autism, Autism spectrum, autism spectrum disorder, autistic disorder, Castle, depression, Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, disability, Disorders, DSM, DSM-5, failure, fanfiction, future, Handicapped, happiness, Health, Nathan Fillion, psychiatry, psychology, Stana Katic
I feel overwhelmed with feelings right now for a bunch of different reasons. The main feeling though is sadness and depression. I feel the need to cry but no matter how much I try to the tears just don’t come. I can’t seem to cry and I want to because usually I feel better once I get it out.
The main reason I feel sad is because I watched the Castle season finale last night and while I thought it was going to be a lighthearted episode, the ending ripped me to shreds and I feel sad about it. It’s a stupid thing to feel sad about but I am totally in love with this show. It is my current fixation and I just feel very upset about what happens to the characters.
Another reason I feel bad is because I have been very anxious today because I ended up not going to work again, which has been a problem for me. I feel stupid for letting my anxiety take hold of me and get me to skip out on work, when I know I should go, but I continue to do it. My mom sent me a link to an article about a study that was done on depressed people and they found that people with depression are more likely to have self-sabotaging behaviors and this is so very much me. I self-sabotage all the time, like I am doing with work. I don’t know how to change it though. I wish I could because I’m tired of feeling like I am inadequate in life.
I have to go to my first summer class tonight and I really do not want to because I’d rather be at home reading fanfiction, which is something that has taken on a life of its own. I feel obsessed with reading it all the time and I can’t seem to get away from it. I was hanging out with friends and around about 10pm I just didn’t want to hang out anymore and I wanted to go home and read. I would have pulled up some on my phone but it was dying, so I couldn’t do that either.
Anyway, I hope to get my life under control and back to how it was in high school where I was actually motivated to do well.
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Tagged anxiety, asd, Asperger, Asperger syndrome, asperger's, asperger's syndrome, Autism, Autism spectrum, autistic disorder, Castle, depression, emptiness, Mental Health, Nathan Fillion, obsessions, sadness, self sabotage, Stana Katic, work
My grandma died on Saturday. The last time I saw her was in 2012 and I knew when I left my parents’ house to go to work that it was going to be the last time I saw her. I don’t know if I’d do anything different, maybe I should have said “I love you” to her but I didn’t. I just left. I find expressing love to people very hard because part of me feels like I don’t really mean it. I don’t know what love really feels like. I know people love me and I know that I do love people, especially my parents. I just don’t know how to quantify these feelings into something physical. I don’t know if I am supposed to feel something physical when you love someone. I love and adore my cat. I look at her sometimes and my breath catches in my throat because I love her so much. It’s the kind of love a mother would feel for her child, at least I imagine it to be, as I don’t have any human children. I have never felt romantic love before and I want to but part of me feels incapable of doing that. I don’t know if this is autism or just me being closed off. It’s probably a little bit of both.
I look to my TV shows, my autistic obsessions, to figure out what love is and the sad part is it isn’t even real. I wish to emulate these characters in some way, whether it be their strength, their drive for life, their devotion to another person, their passion for their job. It’s all things I don’t feel right now and that makes me sad. Even typing that out brought tears to my eyes because it hurts to see it in writing. I don’t feel complete right now. I feel lost and I don’t know how to fix this.
I idolize fictional characters. This is not some big revelation because I’ve known this for a long time. I got to thinking today though, why don’t I use this idiosyncrasy of mine to my advantage and work on BEING like the fictional characters I admire? For example, what would Kate Beckett from Castle do in my situation? She wouldn’t sulk and mope around like I have been. She’d get up and fight, kick some ass and take some names. She wouldn’t give up without giving it her best shot. I haven’t been giving it my best shot. I’ve basically given up. I’m unemployed, not unemployable. Living with autism hasn’t made me defunct, it hasn’t made me less of a person. Sure, I was probably fired because of something related to my autism, but I can’t let that get me down. It’s their loss, not mine. Why would I want to work for a place that supposedly helps people with disabilities but clearly does not? Kate Beckett wouldn’t let anything stop her from following through with things. I need this drive back, like I had in high school. I have to find it. I have to fight for it.
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Tagged Asperger syndrome, asperger's, asperger's syndrome, Autism, Castle, Kate Beckett, List of Castle characters, love, Nathan Fillion, Richard Castle, Romance, Stana Katic