Tag Archives: Nathan Fillion

I’m Still Here

I saw my psychiatrist on October 3rd.  I managed to survive those two days.  My shrink essentially told me to take a few weeks off work and get off the night shift because the overnight hours seem to have been worsening my depression.  I ended up just quitting my job because there simply isn’t a job there that isn’t overnights.  So yet again, I am unemployed.  I applied for disability, so we will see if anything comes from that.

As much as I hate to say it, life has gotten a lot better since quitting.  I don’t have any money and I am basically dependent on my parents, but I feel like I am free from that anxiety.  I hope to someday soon be able to get back into the workforce but at the moment it isn’t something I am actively pursuing.  I have found myself laughing a lot more than I was the last two months.  I feel such immense joy when I watch Castle.  I missed that.

My shrink recommended me for a couple of partial programs.  I went to an intake appointment last Friday, but they didn’t think their program was the right fit for me, so they referred me to three other places.  I made an appointment with one of them in Chanhassen for next Tuesday.  I want to get started on all of this.  I want to change my life.

Advertisements

I just feel the need to cry

I feel overwhelmed with feelings right now for a bunch of different reasons.  The main feeling though is sadness and depression.  I feel the need to cry but no matter how much I try to the tears just don’t come.  I can’t seem to cry and I want to because usually I feel better once I get it out.

The main reason I feel sad is because I watched the Castle season finale last night and while I thought it was going to be a lighthearted episode, the ending ripped me to shreds and I feel sad about it.  It’s a stupid thing to feel sad about but I am totally in love with this show.  It is my current fixation and I just feel very upset about what happens to the characters.

Another reason I feel bad is because I have been very anxious today because I ended up not going to work again, which has been a problem for me.  I feel stupid for letting my anxiety take hold of me and get me to skip out on work, when I know I should go, but I continue to do it.  My mom sent me a link to an article about a study that was done on depressed people and they found that people with depression are more likely to have self-sabotaging behaviors and this is so very much me.  I self-sabotage all the time, like I am doing with work.  I don’t know how to change it though.  I wish I could because I’m tired of feeling like I am inadequate in life.

I have to go to my first summer class tonight and I really do not want to because I’d rather be at home reading fanfiction, which is something that has taken on a life of its own.  I feel obsessed with reading it all the time and I can’t seem to get away from it.  I was hanging out with friends and around about 10pm I just didn’t want to hang out anymore and I wanted to go home and read.  I would have pulled up some on my phone but it was dying, so I couldn’t do that either.

Anyway, I hope to get my life under control and back to how it was in high school where I was actually motivated to do well.

Kate Beckett and Me

My grandma died on Saturday.  The last time I saw her was in 2012 and I knew when I left my parents’ house to go to work that it was going to be the last time I saw her.  I don’t know if I’d do anything different, maybe I should have said “I love you” to her but I didn’t.  I just left.  I find expressing love to people very hard because part of me feels like I don’t really mean it.  I don’t know what love really feels like.  I know people love me and I know that I do love people, especially my parents.  I just don’t know how to quantify these feelings into something physical.  I don’t know if I am supposed to feel something physical when you love someone.  I love and adore my cat.  I look at her sometimes and my breath catches in my throat because I love her so much.  It’s the kind of love a mother would feel for her child, at least I imagine it to be, as I don’t have any human children.  I have never felt romantic love before and I want to but part of me feels incapable of doing that.  I don’t know if this is autism or just me being closed off.  It’s probably a little bit of both.

I look to my TV shows, my autistic obsessions, to figure out what love is and the sad part is it isn’t even real.  I wish to emulate these characters in some way, whether it be their strength, their drive for life, their devotion to another person, their passion for their job.  It’s all things I don’t feel right now and that makes me sad.  Even typing that out brought tears to my eyes because it hurts to see it in writing.  I don’t feel complete right now.  I feel lost and I don’t know how to fix this.

I idolize fictional characters.  This is not some big revelation because I’ve known this for a long time.  I got to thinking today though, why don’t I use this idiosyncrasy of mine to my advantage and work on BEING like the fictional characters I admire?  For example, what would Kate Beckett from Castle do in my situation?  She wouldn’t sulk and mope around like I have been.  She’d get up and fight, kick some ass and take some names.  She wouldn’t give up without giving it her best shot.  I haven’t been giving it my best shot.  I’ve basically given up.  I’m unemployed, not unemployable.  Living with autism hasn’t made me defunct, it hasn’t made me less of a person.  Sure, I was probably fired because of something related to my autism, but I can’t let that get me down.  It’s their loss, not mine.  Why would I want to work for a place that supposedly helps people with disabilities but clearly does not?  Kate Beckett wouldn’t let anything stop her from following through with things.  I need this drive back, like I had in high school.  I have to find it.  I have to fight for it.