Tag Archives: obsessions

I need some control

I went to my primary doctor last Monday and was put on Metformin and Spironolactone.  Metformin is for my PCOS and Spironolactone is for blood pressure and also will help with the symptoms of PCOS, like acne and unwanted body hair.  I read through some of the side effects of the two meds and found that one of them can make antidepressants less effective.  Lately, I have been feeling out of control again.  I haven’t been going to all of my appointments all the time and I’ve been missing things that I need to show up for.  I don’t know if this is a result of the antidepressants not working or I really am losing control of things in my life.  It just seems so hard to get out of bed these days.  I slept on and off from 9pm yesterday to 5pm today.  It is has become ridiculous.

I came to the conclusion yesterday morning that I have become a little addicted to social media.  I figured out that in the last two months I have tweeted 378 times.  Yesterday, I tweeted 11 times.  It really seems to be again, out of control.  I decided to prevent myself from accessing Facebook and Twitter as easily as I have, so I took the apps off my phone, set up stricter blocks on Chrome and logged out of both sites so I actually have to log in if I want to go on it.  So far, I haven’t been on either site since 11:30 am yesterday.  I still allow myself to go on Fanfiction.net because I really don’t want to limit myself there, but maybe someday I’ll start controlling that site too.  It’s hard to stop constantly checking those sites, but I find it nice that I haven’t been getting alerts on my phone about every message I receive.

I want to feel better about everything, but once something good happens to me, it feels like more bad things happen.

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Not much to say

I have been writing almost every night which is great for me.  Too bad the writing I am doing is fanfiction and not something that will progress my career.  I’m still doing the therapy twice a week and the dietitian once a week.  I started seeing a new psychiatrist too.  I went to her appointment and said right away that I wanted to go off of Haldol because it was causing Tardive Dyskinesia.  She wanted me to go off it in the first place.  I was taking 4mg and now I’m slowly decreasing and haven’t seen much difference in my tics.  I do tic a little more but not so bad that I can’t live with it.

I’m thinking of starting another blog documenting my experiences with the Emily Program and dealing with an eating disorder but I haven’t decided if I will really do it or not.  My dietitian has been having me focus on getting all the food groups in everyday.  I’ve only done it once.  It’s a lot harder than I thought.

I had a job interview today at a vet clinic.  The job was for a morning receptionist.  I want the job because it is part-time and it would allow me to go to school and do an internship in the fall.  I also want to work around animals in some capacity so I think it will be a good fit for me.  I only hope I actually got the job.  My mom has been nagging me about getting a job.  I want a job so I can have money but I also want to focus on getting better.

I just feel the need to cry

I feel overwhelmed with feelings right now for a bunch of different reasons.  The main feeling though is sadness and depression.  I feel the need to cry but no matter how much I try to the tears just don’t come.  I can’t seem to cry and I want to because usually I feel better once I get it out.

The main reason I feel sad is because I watched the Castle season finale last night and while I thought it was going to be a lighthearted episode, the ending ripped me to shreds and I feel sad about it.  It’s a stupid thing to feel sad about but I am totally in love with this show.  It is my current fixation and I just feel very upset about what happens to the characters.

Another reason I feel bad is because I have been very anxious today because I ended up not going to work again, which has been a problem for me.  I feel stupid for letting my anxiety take hold of me and get me to skip out on work, when I know I should go, but I continue to do it.  My mom sent me a link to an article about a study that was done on depressed people and they found that people with depression are more likely to have self-sabotaging behaviors and this is so very much me.  I self-sabotage all the time, like I am doing with work.  I don’t know how to change it though.  I wish I could because I’m tired of feeling like I am inadequate in life.

I have to go to my first summer class tonight and I really do not want to because I’d rather be at home reading fanfiction, which is something that has taken on a life of its own.  I feel obsessed with reading it all the time and I can’t seem to get away from it.  I was hanging out with friends and around about 10pm I just didn’t want to hang out anymore and I wanted to go home and read.  I would have pulled up some on my phone but it was dying, so I couldn’t do that either.

Anyway, I hope to get my life under control and back to how it was in high school where I was actually motivated to do well.

Pretty Pathetic

For the last few days I have been experiencing a lot of anxiety.  Right now, I am very anxious and I don’t know how to get rid of it.  I took a Valium (that I use for my back) in hopes that would calm me down, but it didn’t.  The main reason I am so anxious lately is because I am very worried about one of my TV shows not coming back for a 7th season.  One of the actors has been tweeting acting like it is the last season, but she could be just trying not to jinx it or she’s playing us.  Either way, it is making me freak out.  I know it is just a TV show, but it’s one of the few things that makes me happy anymore.  I would be devastated if it does not go on for another season.  I feel like I need at least one more season and then I’d properly feel like I could let it go if it needed to.  This limbo ABC has put the viewers in though is making me feel really uncomfortable.  I told my mom about my fears and she told me that I really need to get a life outside of the fantasy world I live in.  It is true that I live in a fantasy world.  I use it as an escape from my mediocre life.

Tomorrow, I’m probably going to go to urgent care and see if they can prescribe me some anti-anxiety meds until I can find a psychiatrist.  I have to work (aka do computer training) until 5pm and then I’ll go after that, then I’ll go to my parents’ house for a bit since I haven’t seen them in awhile.

Because of my anxiety I have not eaten a lot today and haven’t wanted to either.  I did eat a sandwich about an hour ago and my anxiety went away for a bit, but now it is back and I don’t know how I am going to get to sleep tonight.  I worry way too much.

Would I Get Rid of it if I Could?

I’ve been thinking tonight about having autism.  I was wondering if I had the ability to get rid of my autism would I do it?  This is a tough question for me.  While having autism is ingrained in me and my personality, I wonder if I’d be better off not having it at all.  Before the symptoms appeared at age 3, I was a very outgoing child, I’d whistle in public, I was all around rambunctious.  When age 3 came, I changed.  You can see it in my pictures.  I went from a smiley child to a kid who never showed her teeth and never looked happy.  Around age 3, I stopped talking except to my parents and sister.  I became reserved and quiet and I appeared to be depressed.  It is heartbreaking to see this child, me, in pictures because I just look so unhappy.  I didn’t start talking again until 4th grade and in 5th grade, I felt very comfortable with my classroom and even acted somewhat outgoing at times.

Would I get rid of my autism though?  While the diagnosis is still very new, it has been a part of me for most of my life, unknowingly.  I imagine my life would be so much easier if I wasn’t autistic.  I’d be able to handle myself in interviews, I’d be able to have a conversation and not feel completely weird and awkward about it.  I wouldn’t make other people feel awkward just by being me.  If I could get rid of it, I’d be considered normal.  I’d be able to date and fall in love without being uncomfortable about it.  If I didn’t have autism though, I wouldn’t have an interesting story about my life.  I feel like I’ve lived many lives in just one.  There was my selective mutism years, then my depressed years, then my relapsed depressed years and now my autistic years.  I have had more happen to me than the average person and it makes me an interesting person, I believe.  I have stories to tell, which is why I am a writer.  If I could get rid of my stories, my history, my interesting side, I wouldn’t be me.  I’d be someone who never had anything happen to them.  I’d be boring and I am certain I wouldn’t be a writer.  “Curing” my autism would not be the answer for me.  While I have not completely accepted having autism, I feel it is something to be proud of.  It’s something unique that not many people have and I have a different perspective on life because of it.  In a nutshell, I would not get rid of my autism if I could.  I wouldn’t be me if I did.

Passion

Touching on my last post about obsessions, I’ve come to the conclusion that you will never find another person who is as passionate about things as I am.  When I find something I love, I am committed to it completely.  When/if I have children, the one thing I know I will teach them just by being myself is that having something you are passionate about, something that drives you is the reason we are alive.  I have probably learned this from my mom too.  She is passionate about fighting for the little guy, especially children.  She fought/fights for all three of her children to live as normal a life as possible despite our disabilities and setbacks.  My mom is a teacher at a nonprofit and sees the injustice in America toward those who are disadvantaged in life.  She fights for those who can’t fight for themselves.  While my passions aren’t nearly as noble, I understand where she gets her drive to live.

In other news, I hurt my back last week and I’m finally gaining back my mobility.  I still can’t sit for very long or walk for long periods of time, but I’m getting there.  Tomorrow, my parents and sister and I are going to the Parade of Homes and I’m hoping I’ll be able to make it through the day.  I want to spend time with my parents, especially after my dad’s suicide attempt a few weeks back, which I’m not going to talk about on here.  So anyway, I think I’m going to go pursue some of my passions and write a little.

Obsessions

I become very obsessional with certain things and sometimes these obsessions get the better of me.  For awhile as a child I was obsessed with learning about the presidents.  Later in high school, I became obsessed with baby names (and this is still a passion of mine).  Over the years, I’ve had a lot of things that I become completely absorbed in and it’s all I want to talk about, it is all I can think about and everything in life reminds me of this obsession.  Since high school, I’ve been more obsessed with TV shows and movies that have a romantic plot.  I remember in high school, my family went to a hotel for something and I brought along a VHS tape of my favorite movie at the time, Notting Hill, and even though there wasn’t a VHS player, I still brought it in hopes of seeing it somehow.  I couldn’t be away from it.  I was so engrossed in it.  A few years ago, I become completely obsessed with the TV show Bones.  That lasted for about a year and half before I became bored with it and I didn’t have an obsession for awhile.  Since July, I have become deeply in love with the show Castle.  Lately, this obsession has been getting the better of me and I can’t seem to stay away from watching YouTube clips or full episodes.  I read fanfiction until all hours of the night.  Last night, I read for 7 hours ONE fanfiction that was 172,000 words long, basically a 500 page book.

Despite absolutely loving these obsessions, they make me feel sad sometimes.  I feel alone, like I’m chasing something that isn’t real to love me in return.  I follow these obsessions with romantic ties because of how pathetic my love life is now.  I feel that if I ever have a romantic relationship, I’ll be so disappointed in it because it won’t live up to my expectations from these TV shows.  I want a life like those on TV and that is not at all realistic.  Part of me wants to stop being obsessed, but that is just one aspect of autism and I can’t change it.  I can change how much I watch or read about these shows, but I just don’t want to give up something I love so much, even if it makes me sad.  It’s a double edged sword.  Do I give up the one thing that gives me pleasure in my miserable life or do I continue to feel sad that this obsession is the only thing in my life that gives me pleasure.  I don’t know what to do.

I want a real relationship with someone, but I’m afraid I’ll never be ready for one because I’m so screwed up and damaged.  I don’t know how to fix myself.  I don’t know how to be a whole person and not pieces of a broken person.