Tag Archives: sadness

Comparison to Three Months Ago

I decided to look over some of my earlier posts from before my time in IOP. I wasn’t completely aware how much different I felt until I read over those entries.  Here are some quotes from my October posts:

I don’t plan on doing anything drastic, but it just feels like this emptiness I have been experiencing is just going to engulf me.  It’s like I am standing on the shoreline and a giant wave is just going to drown me and my lifeless body will be swept to sea.  It feels like I have no control over this.  I feel like someone is going to find me dead, not by my own hands, but by some unforeseen force, like I spontaneously combusted with despair … I imagine my spirit as this decrepit soul, weighed down by chains, carrying a boulder the size of a small car and dripping wet from being doused with ice cold water.  It is seeking solace, warmth, relief, but all it does is get colder, wetter, heavier, weaker.  How do you come back from that?

The world is pressing down on me and I am not fighting back.  I’m letting it crush me, asphyxiate me slowly.  The light inside of me is no longer the sun always shining, it is a candle constantly being blown out … How do I start caring when the thought of doing so crushes me into immobility?  I can’t face living.  I don’t want to die though.  I’m not only at the end of my rope, it is fraying quickly under my weight, under everything I am going through, everything I am feeling.

I feel, dare I say it, hopeful now. I feel like I have purpose and I can do the things I want to do and succeed at them.  I don’t constantly feel like I am putting up roadblocks from my goals.  I know I still sometimes do that, but I don’t feel like they are impenetrable like they once were.  While my sleep schedule and issues are still wonky and need to be worked on, I feel I can fix that if I push myself to change.

I still do not have a job, but I am actively looking.  While I do not want to take just any shitty job out there, it’s becoming more and more likely that that is just what I have to do for now.  I do not want that at all, but apparently being a grown up means doing things you don’t want to do to better yourself.  I once was capable of doing such things, but haven’t in several years.  Maybe it’s time to start.

Advertisements

I need some control

I went to my primary doctor last Monday and was put on Metformin and Spironolactone.  Metformin is for my PCOS and Spironolactone is for blood pressure and also will help with the symptoms of PCOS, like acne and unwanted body hair.  I read through some of the side effects of the two meds and found that one of them can make antidepressants less effective.  Lately, I have been feeling out of control again.  I haven’t been going to all of my appointments all the time and I’ve been missing things that I need to show up for.  I don’t know if this is a result of the antidepressants not working or I really am losing control of things in my life.  It just seems so hard to get out of bed these days.  I slept on and off from 9pm yesterday to 5pm today.  It is has become ridiculous.

I came to the conclusion yesterday morning that I have become a little addicted to social media.  I figured out that in the last two months I have tweeted 378 times.  Yesterday, I tweeted 11 times.  It really seems to be again, out of control.  I decided to prevent myself from accessing Facebook and Twitter as easily as I have, so I took the apps off my phone, set up stricter blocks on Chrome and logged out of both sites so I actually have to log in if I want to go on it.  So far, I haven’t been on either site since 11:30 am yesterday.  I still allow myself to go on Fanfiction.net because I really don’t want to limit myself there, but maybe someday I’ll start controlling that site too.  It’s hard to stop constantly checking those sites, but I find it nice that I haven’t been getting alerts on my phone about every message I receive.

I want to feel better about everything, but once something good happens to me, it feels like more bad things happen.

I just feel the need to cry

I feel overwhelmed with feelings right now for a bunch of different reasons.  The main feeling though is sadness and depression.  I feel the need to cry but no matter how much I try to the tears just don’t come.  I can’t seem to cry and I want to because usually I feel better once I get it out.

The main reason I feel sad is because I watched the Castle season finale last night and while I thought it was going to be a lighthearted episode, the ending ripped me to shreds and I feel sad about it.  It’s a stupid thing to feel sad about but I am totally in love with this show.  It is my current fixation and I just feel very upset about what happens to the characters.

Another reason I feel bad is because I have been very anxious today because I ended up not going to work again, which has been a problem for me.  I feel stupid for letting my anxiety take hold of me and get me to skip out on work, when I know I should go, but I continue to do it.  My mom sent me a link to an article about a study that was done on depressed people and they found that people with depression are more likely to have self-sabotaging behaviors and this is so very much me.  I self-sabotage all the time, like I am doing with work.  I don’t know how to change it though.  I wish I could because I’m tired of feeling like I am inadequate in life.

I have to go to my first summer class tonight and I really do not want to because I’d rather be at home reading fanfiction, which is something that has taken on a life of its own.  I feel obsessed with reading it all the time and I can’t seem to get away from it.  I was hanging out with friends and around about 10pm I just didn’t want to hang out anymore and I wanted to go home and read.  I would have pulled up some on my phone but it was dying, so I couldn’t do that either.

Anyway, I hope to get my life under control and back to how it was in high school where I was actually motivated to do well.

Pretty Pathetic

For the last few days I have been experiencing a lot of anxiety.  Right now, I am very anxious and I don’t know how to get rid of it.  I took a Valium (that I use for my back) in hopes that would calm me down, but it didn’t.  The main reason I am so anxious lately is because I am very worried about one of my TV shows not coming back for a 7th season.  One of the actors has been tweeting acting like it is the last season, but she could be just trying not to jinx it or she’s playing us.  Either way, it is making me freak out.  I know it is just a TV show, but it’s one of the few things that makes me happy anymore.  I would be devastated if it does not go on for another season.  I feel like I need at least one more season and then I’d properly feel like I could let it go if it needed to.  This limbo ABC has put the viewers in though is making me feel really uncomfortable.  I told my mom about my fears and she told me that I really need to get a life outside of the fantasy world I live in.  It is true that I live in a fantasy world.  I use it as an escape from my mediocre life.

Tomorrow, I’m probably going to go to urgent care and see if they can prescribe me some anti-anxiety meds until I can find a psychiatrist.  I have to work (aka do computer training) until 5pm and then I’ll go after that, then I’ll go to my parents’ house for a bit since I haven’t seen them in awhile.

Because of my anxiety I have not eaten a lot today and haven’t wanted to either.  I did eat a sandwich about an hour ago and my anxiety went away for a bit, but now it is back and I don’t know how I am going to get to sleep tonight.  I worry way too much.

Expectations of Life

Have you ever felt like you were just floating through life with no direction or purpose?  I have felt like this for almost ten years.  The entire length of my twenties have been spent in this state of “I don’t know where the hell I am going and part of me doesn’t really care.”  I want to care.  I want to experience true, unadulterated happiness and exuberance with life.  As of yet, at the age of 27, I have not come close to that.  I watched this Hallmark movie (one of my favorites actually) and the main character asks the other main character, “Have you ever had just one perfect day?”  I have never experienced a perfect day.  I can’t even fathom having one because it just doesn’t seem possible.  It seems impossible for me to experience true joy and happiness.  I’ve been depressed pretty much my entire life.  There was a two year period in high school when I wasn’t depressed, but that didn’t last long at all.  Once I left high school, I changed for the worst.  I turned from this hard working, nothing-will-ever-get-me-down kid to a slacker who couldn’t get out of bed and it’s been almost ten years and I’m still in this phase.  Part of me is wondering if this is even a phase and it just is who I was always supposed to be.

I finally have health insurance starting April 1st and in preparation of that I have been researching therapists.  It hit me while I was researching that I am going to be homeless in 3 months if I don’t start getting down to business.  My roommate is moving in with her boyfriend and I am left, without a job, to find a place for myself.  I’m looking for Section 42 housing because that is all I can afford at the moment, but I don’t know where I am going to be getting a job, so I don’t want to pick a place that is far from where I will potentially work.

I’m lost.  I don’t know what I want out of life.  I want to go back into the science field, pursue a career in forensics, but what is holding me back is that I have 1 year left to get the degree I’m currently pursuing and I don’t want to be in school until 2017, building more debt for myself.  If someone gave me $65,000 today, I’d pay off all my loans and pursue the science degree, but I don’t have that kind of luck.  I still want to be a writer, but I don’t think I am good enough to ever be successful at it.  My dream job is a forensic specialist who writes on the side, ideally for a television show.  I have so many dreams.  I have a very rich fantasy life, but I don’t go after what I want.  I don’t know what to do to change this.

Obsessions

I become very obsessional with certain things and sometimes these obsessions get the better of me.  For awhile as a child I was obsessed with learning about the presidents.  Later in high school, I became obsessed with baby names (and this is still a passion of mine).  Over the years, I’ve had a lot of things that I become completely absorbed in and it’s all I want to talk about, it is all I can think about and everything in life reminds me of this obsession.  Since high school, I’ve been more obsessed with TV shows and movies that have a romantic plot.  I remember in high school, my family went to a hotel for something and I brought along a VHS tape of my favorite movie at the time, Notting Hill, and even though there wasn’t a VHS player, I still brought it in hopes of seeing it somehow.  I couldn’t be away from it.  I was so engrossed in it.  A few years ago, I become completely obsessed with the TV show Bones.  That lasted for about a year and half before I became bored with it and I didn’t have an obsession for awhile.  Since July, I have become deeply in love with the show Castle.  Lately, this obsession has been getting the better of me and I can’t seem to stay away from watching YouTube clips or full episodes.  I read fanfiction until all hours of the night.  Last night, I read for 7 hours ONE fanfiction that was 172,000 words long, basically a 500 page book.

Despite absolutely loving these obsessions, they make me feel sad sometimes.  I feel alone, like I’m chasing something that isn’t real to love me in return.  I follow these obsessions with romantic ties because of how pathetic my love life is now.  I feel that if I ever have a romantic relationship, I’ll be so disappointed in it because it won’t live up to my expectations from these TV shows.  I want a life like those on TV and that is not at all realistic.  Part of me wants to stop being obsessed, but that is just one aspect of autism and I can’t change it.  I can change how much I watch or read about these shows, but I just don’t want to give up something I love so much, even if it makes me sad.  It’s a double edged sword.  Do I give up the one thing that gives me pleasure in my miserable life or do I continue to feel sad that this obsession is the only thing in my life that gives me pleasure.  I don’t know what to do.

I want a real relationship with someone, but I’m afraid I’ll never be ready for one because I’m so screwed up and damaged.  I don’t know how to fix myself.  I don’t know how to be a whole person and not pieces of a broken person.

Dealing with Depression

To say the last few weeks haven’t been that great is a gross understatement.  I have been dealing with various forms of depression, seasonal, situational and of course just simply major depression.  I am depressed about not having a job, the weather is absolute crap so I feel trapped in my apartment and I’ve always dealt with some baseline of depression my entire life.

It’s hard to get out of this funk I’ve been in and I’m struggling to keep my head above water most days.  I feel like I’ve got a vortex of sadness following me everywhere.  Every time I want to feel happy about something, the vortex sucks it away.  I’m tired of feeling this way, but I don’t know how to turn it around.

My confidence is shattered because of the various interviews I’ve been on the last three months and still nothing has come from it.  It took me 5 years to get a new job only to lose it a month later.  Part of me is certain that it will take me another 5 years before I get another job.  I am absolutely terrible at interviews.  I panic and don’t know what to say about 95% of the time.  I feel like people don’t see the real me on interviews, they just see this bumbling mess of a human being.

I decided to take a drive today to the bank to deposit a check and on the way there, i was listening to Cheap Trick and just started crying.  It wasn’t a sad song at all, but I just started crying for no apparent reason.  My cat, Willie, seems to notice I’m not at my best because despite the bedroom door being open, she has been hiding in my bedroom with me.  She usually lives for the chance to be away from my bedroom because I lock her up with me at night, but she has been voluntarily spending time with me.

I have been having trouble concentrating on homework and I just feel like I’m going to fail this semester.  I don’t want that to happen in the slightest, but I don’t know what to do.  Not knowing what to do seems like a common thread in this post.  I would love to go see a therapist, but I still am waiting on my Medical Assistance application to go through even though it has been two months.  It’s starting to get ridiculous.

So, I am going to leave you with some words of wisdom from my favorite TV character, Kate Beckett.

images