I’ve had two potential jobs in the midst. One was an at-home editor for a market research firm. I wanted that job because I knew my anxiety wouldn’t be bad because I’d be working from home. While I was waiting for the next steps on that job though, I got a call from a temp agency saying they had a position for me working in a warehouse for a grocery delivery service. I decided to check it out and did a job shadow for an hour the other day. Afterwards I had to decide if I wanted the job, which I did. My first day was yesterday night into this morning. I work from 10PM to 4AM Mondays, Tuesdays, Thursdays and Fridays. I am actually quite happy with this job because I work in a cooler that is around 50 degrees. I absolutely hate heat and think anything higher than 65 degrees is too hot. I also don’t have to work with any customers which is probably the best thing. I would get very anxious before work in the past because I couldn’t handle the thought of dealing with people for 8 hours. I don’t feel this way with the warehouse job.
I made it through my first shift, but because I have been pretty much sedentary for a long time, I was in so much pain from standing for 6 hours. My back hurt so bad and I had to sit down a few times in the last hour because I was shaking from the pain. I hope to build up stamina soon enough though, it’ll just take a bit.
When I got home from work, I was so cold. I only wore a long sleeved blouse and jeans to work and didn’t bring a sweater. I learned the hard way that I probably shouldn’t have done that. I could not get warm no matter what I did. I only have one blanket and it is enough most days, but this morning I was shivering so much I had to search for something else. I ended up finding a Snuggie in the family room that belonged to one of my parents. It was exactly what I needed and I felt so much better. Now that I don’t need it right now, it is sitting in my bed and since Willie absolutely loves fleece, she has been sleeping on it for awhile.
I feel overwhelmed with feelings right now for a bunch of different reasons. The main feeling though is sadness and depression. I feel the need to cry but no matter how much I try to the tears just don’t come. I can’t seem to cry and I want to because usually I feel better once I get it out.
The main reason I feel sad is because I watched the Castle season finale last night and while I thought it was going to be a lighthearted episode, the ending ripped me to shreds and I feel sad about it. It’s a stupid thing to feel sad about but I am totally in love with this show. It is my current fixation and I just feel very upset about what happens to the characters.
Another reason I feel bad is because I have been very anxious today because I ended up not going to work again, which has been a problem for me. I feel stupid for letting my anxiety take hold of me and get me to skip out on work, when I know I should go, but I continue to do it. My mom sent me a link to an article about a study that was done on depressed people and they found that people with depression are more likely to have self-sabotaging behaviors and this is so very much me. I self-sabotage all the time, like I am doing with work. I don’t know how to change it though. I wish I could because I’m tired of feeling like I am inadequate in life.
I have to go to my first summer class tonight and I really do not want to because I’d rather be at home reading fanfiction, which is something that has taken on a life of its own. I feel obsessed with reading it all the time and I can’t seem to get away from it. I was hanging out with friends and around about 10pm I just didn’t want to hang out anymore and I wanted to go home and read. I would have pulled up some on my phone but it was dying, so I couldn’t do that either.
Anyway, I hope to get my life under control and back to how it was in high school where I was actually motivated to do well.
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Tagged anxiety, asd, Asperger, Asperger syndrome, asperger's, asperger's syndrome, Autism, Autism spectrum, autistic disorder, Castle, depression, emptiness, Mental Health, Nathan Fillion, obsessions, sadness, self sabotage, Stana Katic, work