Tag Archives: work

New Job

I’ve had two potential jobs in the midst.  One was an at-home editor for a market research firm.  I wanted that job because I knew my anxiety wouldn’t be bad because I’d be working from home.  While I was waiting for the next steps on that job though, I got a call from a temp agency saying they had a position for me working in a warehouse for a grocery delivery service.  I decided to check it out and did a job shadow for an hour the other day.  Afterwards I had to decide if I wanted the job, which I did.  My first day was yesterday night into this morning.  I work from 10PM to 4AM Mondays, Tuesdays, Thursdays and Fridays.  I am actually quite happy with this job because I work in a cooler that is around 50 degrees.  I absolutely hate heat and think anything higher than 65 degrees is too hot.  I also don’t have to work with any customers which is probably the best thing.  I would get very anxious before work in the past because I couldn’t handle the thought of dealing with people for 8 hours.  I don’t feel this way with the warehouse job.

I made it through my first shift, but because I have been pretty much sedentary for a long time, I was in so much pain from standing for 6 hours.  My back hurt so bad and I had to sit down a few times in the last hour because I was shaking from the pain.  I hope to build up stamina soon enough though, it’ll just take a bit.

When I got home from work, I was so cold.  I only wore a long sleeved blouse and jeans to work and didn’t bring a sweater.  I learned the hard way that I probably shouldn’t have done that.  I could not get warm no matter what I did.  I only have one blanket and it is enough most days, but this morning I was shivering so much I had to search for something else.  I ended up finding a Snuggie in the family room that belonged to one of my parents.  It was exactly what I needed and I felt so much better.  Now that I don’t need it right now, it is sitting in my bed and since Willie absolutely loves fleece, she has been sleeping on it for awhile.

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I just feel the need to cry

I feel overwhelmed with feelings right now for a bunch of different reasons.  The main feeling though is sadness and depression.  I feel the need to cry but no matter how much I try to the tears just don’t come.  I can’t seem to cry and I want to because usually I feel better once I get it out.

The main reason I feel sad is because I watched the Castle season finale last night and while I thought it was going to be a lighthearted episode, the ending ripped me to shreds and I feel sad about it.  It’s a stupid thing to feel sad about but I am totally in love with this show.  It is my current fixation and I just feel very upset about what happens to the characters.

Another reason I feel bad is because I have been very anxious today because I ended up not going to work again, which has been a problem for me.  I feel stupid for letting my anxiety take hold of me and get me to skip out on work, when I know I should go, but I continue to do it.  My mom sent me a link to an article about a study that was done on depressed people and they found that people with depression are more likely to have self-sabotaging behaviors and this is so very much me.  I self-sabotage all the time, like I am doing with work.  I don’t know how to change it though.  I wish I could because I’m tired of feeling like I am inadequate in life.

I have to go to my first summer class tonight and I really do not want to because I’d rather be at home reading fanfiction, which is something that has taken on a life of its own.  I feel obsessed with reading it all the time and I can’t seem to get away from it.  I was hanging out with friends and around about 10pm I just didn’t want to hang out anymore and I wanted to go home and read.  I would have pulled up some on my phone but it was dying, so I couldn’t do that either.

Anyway, I hope to get my life under control and back to how it was in high school where I was actually motivated to do well.