Children and the future

I’ve always thought that I would some day become a mother.  I’ve never been particularly fond of children, but I claimed that I would like my own children.  Lately, I’ve been thinking about the reasons why I want or think I want children.  I feel like if I don’t have children, I won’t have contributed to society in any way.  I don’t feel accomplished at all right now and I don’t know if I ever will.  I am afraid if I don’t have children, I’ll be lonely for the rest of my life.  I look at people without children and I just assume they aren’t happy because they didn’t have children.  I think that not having children is just not living a full life.  I realize this isn’t true at all, but I can’t help but feel it.  Honestly, it feels like the only reason I want children is to name them, because I adore names.  That isn’t a good enough reason though.  I can name pets just as well as I can name children, but cats don’t grow up and become president or something equally amazing…they are just cats.  Because of my having autism, I don’t handle noise very well.  Kids screaming causes me a great deal of stress and I imagine I would not handle that very well if I have kids.  I am so torn on this topic.  I don’t want to be the childless aunt, I want to feel like my life is fulfilled.  I don’t know if that means I should have kids or I should focus on myself and not have kids.  I simply don’t know.

Vocational Rehab

Because I’ve been unemployed for the last 4 months and because I have autism, my mom insisted that I apply for disability.  I find out in 3-4 months if I will receive it or not, but in the mean time I am going to have to keep looking for a job that will pay the bills in the meantime.  Because I have a disability, I qualify for vocational rehab through the Minnesota Workforce centers.  I met with “my person” today at the center and found out that I can take vocational training courses without having to pay for them because my income is so low.  So, now I will be going to school at night and then job training in the mornings.  Unfortunately, I have to take three classes to get to where I want to be and I already know everything that is being taught in the first course.  I decided to do the Health Technician route which means I’ll be taught medical terminology and human anatomy and of course the billing and coding that comes with working in the health field.  I just want a job that I don’t have to work with customers.  I don’t want to have to talk to anyone who is complaining to me.  I never handled that well when I worked at the grocery store and I probably never will.  It will just be better if I don’t work with people.

In my magazine writing class, I have to write an article by Tuesday and interview people for it.  I avoided doing the interviewing for as long as I could and now it’s too late to interview the people I should be interviewing.  My article topic is about adults with autism in the work force and their value.  I should be interviewing professionals, but I ended up just “interviewing” people from this group I belong to on LiveJournal.  I don’t want to have to ask someone and I don’t want to bother anyone with their busy day.  I wish I didn’t care so much about what people thought.  I wish I could throw caution to the wind and just do something without worrying about how I look.

Anyway, I am having a game night with my friends and our parents tomorrow night and I’m excited for that.  I made chicken spaghetti for the group and I don’t know how it turned out.  I made it once before a long time ago and I don’t remember what it tastes like.  Hopefully people will like it.