Comparison to Three Months Ago

I decided to look over some of my earlier posts from before my time in IOP. I wasn’t completely aware how much different I felt until I read over those entries.  Here are some quotes from my October posts:

I don’t plan on doing anything drastic, but it just feels like this emptiness I have been experiencing is just going to engulf me.  It’s like I am standing on the shoreline and a giant wave is just going to drown me and my lifeless body will be swept to sea.  It feels like I have no control over this.  I feel like someone is going to find me dead, not by my own hands, but by some unforeseen force, like I spontaneously combusted with despair … I imagine my spirit as this decrepit soul, weighed down by chains, carrying a boulder the size of a small car and dripping wet from being doused with ice cold water.  It is seeking solace, warmth, relief, but all it does is get colder, wetter, heavier, weaker.  How do you come back from that?

The world is pressing down on me and I am not fighting back.  I’m letting it crush me, asphyxiate me slowly.  The light inside of me is no longer the sun always shining, it is a candle constantly being blown out … How do I start caring when the thought of doing so crushes me into immobility?  I can’t face living.  I don’t want to die though.  I’m not only at the end of my rope, it is fraying quickly under my weight, under everything I am going through, everything I am feeling.

I feel, dare I say it, hopeful now. I feel like I have purpose and I can do the things I want to do and succeed at them.  I don’t constantly feel like I am putting up roadblocks from my goals.  I know I still sometimes do that, but I don’t feel like they are impenetrable like they once were.  While my sleep schedule and issues are still wonky and need to be worked on, I feel I can fix that if I push myself to change.

I still do not have a job, but I am actively looking.  While I do not want to take just any shitty job out there, it’s becoming more and more likely that that is just what I have to do for now.  I do not want that at all, but apparently being a grown up means doing things you don’t want to do to better yourself.  I once was capable of doing such things, but haven’t in several years.  Maybe it’s time to start.

Things I’ve Been Thinking About

I am currently at 1mg of Haldol, down from 4mg.  My tics are getting worse and they annoy me sometimes, but sometimes I think that I just don’t want to go back on an anti-tic medication.  It would be one less medication, less drugs in my system and there wouldn’t be a risk of weight gain.  I also am not sure I could live without a medication because the vocal tic is quite annoying.  My mom claims that she can hear me ticcing upstairs when I am in the basement.  I’m not that loud…

I was talking over dinner with my family and it was brought to my attention that certain people I consider friends, aren’t very good friends because they always try and act like my Tourette’s and autism aren’t real issues.  I have one friend who is always saying something of hers is a tic, when she knows it isn’t.  It seems like she is trying to downplay or even make fun of something that I am suffering from.  The same goes for my autism.  I do talk about it quite a bit, but I’ve stopped talking about it around them because they seem to think that me having autism isn’t a real issue.  Sure I only found out about having autism less than a year ago, but I had been suffering from the symptoms many years before that.  Not acknowledging that my autism is a real thing and something that I struggle with daily, isn’t helping me. I recently posted on my Facebook about how there is something with autism that causes some people with it to have trouble filtering out outside noise.  My friends say that I am deaf and that is the reason, but I can hear just fine, in fact I am very sensitive to sound, it’s just that I have trouble deciphering someone speaking from background noise.  I always thought I just couldn’t hear, but I realized it wasn’t that at all.  Nobody can tell me how I am supposed to feel or  how I should react to things like anxiety, because they are not me, they do not know what it is like to live with Tourette’s or autism.  I wish they would stop assuming things about me.

Life is weird

I have a bunch of stuff going on right now and a lot of things to worry about.  I’m still waiting to hear about that job I interviewed for on Wednesday.  I sent a thank you letter and all that too.  I am just worried that I won’t get it and I’ll have to start over again waiting for an interview.  My mom keeps trying to get me to apply at Target, but I really don’t want to work there.  I don’t want to deal with customers.  I worked for 5 years in customer service and I was miserable.  I don’t want to go back to that.  The thought of working with people again in the fast paced environment of a store sets me on edge and makes me anxious.  I took a freaking lorazepam the other day for the first time in over a month because I’ve just felt really overwhelmed.

Today, I had class and because I ran out of gas, I had to borrow my parents’ Jeep to go.  I got home and found out both my parents were angry at me because they feel like I’m taking them for granted.  I didn’t intend for that to happen, I wanted the opposite.  My dad lectured me for a good twenty minutes or so telling me how he wants more from me and to see me get on with my life.  I want that too, but something is holding me back.  I think it’s fear.  Fear of something…living, success, failure, life maybe.

So I have been going off of my Tourette’s medication the last two weeks now.  I am down to 2mg (originally 4mg) and my tics are now very present.  Haldol has been the only medication that I have tried that seemed to control my tics.  I’m scared and worried that I won’t find a safer drug that can do the same thing.  I don’t want to be ticcing all the time.  Sometimes I don’t realize I’m doing it, but most of the time I know I am ticcing and I can’t stop it and I drive myself crazy.  For the most part I do only have a mild case of Tourette’s, but the low pitch humming I do all the time really annoys me.  I can handle the excessive blinking.

Not much to say

I have been writing almost every night which is great for me.  Too bad the writing I am doing is fanfiction and not something that will progress my career.  I’m still doing the therapy twice a week and the dietitian once a week.  I started seeing a new psychiatrist too.  I went to her appointment and said right away that I wanted to go off of Haldol because it was causing Tardive Dyskinesia.  She wanted me to go off it in the first place.  I was taking 4mg and now I’m slowly decreasing and haven’t seen much difference in my tics.  I do tic a little more but not so bad that I can’t live with it.

I’m thinking of starting another blog documenting my experiences with the Emily Program and dealing with an eating disorder but I haven’t decided if I will really do it or not.  My dietitian has been having me focus on getting all the food groups in everyday.  I’ve only done it once.  It’s a lot harder than I thought.

I had a job interview today at a vet clinic.  The job was for a morning receptionist.  I want the job because it is part-time and it would allow me to go to school and do an internship in the fall.  I also want to work around animals in some capacity so I think it will be a good fit for me.  I only hope I actually got the job.  My mom has been nagging me about getting a job.  I want a job so I can have money but I also want to focus on getting better.

I just feel the need to cry

I feel overwhelmed with feelings right now for a bunch of different reasons.  The main feeling though is sadness and depression.  I feel the need to cry but no matter how much I try to the tears just don’t come.  I can’t seem to cry and I want to because usually I feel better once I get it out.

The main reason I feel sad is because I watched the Castle season finale last night and while I thought it was going to be a lighthearted episode, the ending ripped me to shreds and I feel sad about it.  It’s a stupid thing to feel sad about but I am totally in love with this show.  It is my current fixation and I just feel very upset about what happens to the characters.

Another reason I feel bad is because I have been very anxious today because I ended up not going to work again, which has been a problem for me.  I feel stupid for letting my anxiety take hold of me and get me to skip out on work, when I know I should go, but I continue to do it.  My mom sent me a link to an article about a study that was done on depressed people and they found that people with depression are more likely to have self-sabotaging behaviors and this is so very much me.  I self-sabotage all the time, like I am doing with work.  I don’t know how to change it though.  I wish I could because I’m tired of feeling like I am inadequate in life.

I have to go to my first summer class tonight and I really do not want to because I’d rather be at home reading fanfiction, which is something that has taken on a life of its own.  I feel obsessed with reading it all the time and I can’t seem to get away from it.  I was hanging out with friends and around about 10pm I just didn’t want to hang out anymore and I wanted to go home and read.  I would have pulled up some on my phone but it was dying, so I couldn’t do that either.

Anyway, I hope to get my life under control and back to how it was in high school where I was actually motivated to do well.

Pretty Pathetic

For the last few days I have been experiencing a lot of anxiety.  Right now, I am very anxious and I don’t know how to get rid of it.  I took a Valium (that I use for my back) in hopes that would calm me down, but it didn’t.  The main reason I am so anxious lately is because I am very worried about one of my TV shows not coming back for a 7th season.  One of the actors has been tweeting acting like it is the last season, but she could be just trying not to jinx it or she’s playing us.  Either way, it is making me freak out.  I know it is just a TV show, but it’s one of the few things that makes me happy anymore.  I would be devastated if it does not go on for another season.  I feel like I need at least one more season and then I’d properly feel like I could let it go if it needed to.  This limbo ABC has put the viewers in though is making me feel really uncomfortable.  I told my mom about my fears and she told me that I really need to get a life outside of the fantasy world I live in.  It is true that I live in a fantasy world.  I use it as an escape from my mediocre life.

Tomorrow, I’m probably going to go to urgent care and see if they can prescribe me some anti-anxiety meds until I can find a psychiatrist.  I have to work (aka do computer training) until 5pm and then I’ll go after that, then I’ll go to my parents’ house for a bit since I haven’t seen them in awhile.

Because of my anxiety I have not eaten a lot today and haven’t wanted to either.  I did eat a sandwich about an hour ago and my anxiety went away for a bit, but now it is back and I don’t know how I am going to get to sleep tonight.  I worry way too much.

Would I Get Rid of it if I Could?

I’ve been thinking tonight about having autism.  I was wondering if I had the ability to get rid of my autism would I do it?  This is a tough question for me.  While having autism is ingrained in me and my personality, I wonder if I’d be better off not having it at all.  Before the symptoms appeared at age 3, I was a very outgoing child, I’d whistle in public, I was all around rambunctious.  When age 3 came, I changed.  You can see it in my pictures.  I went from a smiley child to a kid who never showed her teeth and never looked happy.  Around age 3, I stopped talking except to my parents and sister.  I became reserved and quiet and I appeared to be depressed.  It is heartbreaking to see this child, me, in pictures because I just look so unhappy.  I didn’t start talking again until 4th grade and in 5th grade, I felt very comfortable with my classroom and even acted somewhat outgoing at times.

Would I get rid of my autism though?  While the diagnosis is still very new, it has been a part of me for most of my life, unknowingly.  I imagine my life would be so much easier if I wasn’t autistic.  I’d be able to handle myself in interviews, I’d be able to have a conversation and not feel completely weird and awkward about it.  I wouldn’t make other people feel awkward just by being me.  If I could get rid of it, I’d be considered normal.  I’d be able to date and fall in love without being uncomfortable about it.  If I didn’t have autism though, I wouldn’t have an interesting story about my life.  I feel like I’ve lived many lives in just one.  There was my selective mutism years, then my depressed years, then my relapsed depressed years and now my autistic years.  I have had more happen to me than the average person and it makes me an interesting person, I believe.  I have stories to tell, which is why I am a writer.  If I could get rid of my stories, my history, my interesting side, I wouldn’t be me.  I’d be someone who never had anything happen to them.  I’d be boring and I am certain I wouldn’t be a writer.  “Curing” my autism would not be the answer for me.  While I have not completely accepted having autism, I feel it is something to be proud of.  It’s something unique that not many people have and I have a different perspective on life because of it.  In a nutshell, I would not get rid of my autism if I could.  I wouldn’t be me if I did.

And Life Throws a Curveball

That interview I talked about in my last post did happen.  I stayed up all night so I could make the interview because I know myself and if I was in anyway drowsy from sleep, I would have skipped the interview.  Well, it turns out it was a very good thing that I went to the interview because I was hired immediately.  I am back to being a cashier, but hopefully it won’t be as bad as it was at the grocery store.  I’m working at a home improvement store now and I’m waiting for the call telling me when I can go in for training.  I had to get drug tested the day I accepted the position and considering I never drink and I have never even smoked a cigarette, I’m certain to pass the drug test.  Anyway, I’m nervous about starting a new job because it is a different place with different people.  I worry my old habits will come back and I won’t show up on time or I will call in sick a lot.  I was never a good employee when it came to attendance.  I’m hoping to change that though.  I need to.

I have an appointment with a therapist on April 7th.  I haven’t seen a therapist since my time in treatment last May.  I need to figure out my crap.  I need intense therapy and I need to figure out coping strategies so I can live as normal a life as possible.  I also have an appointment with the person who diagnosed me with autism later in April, so hopefully she can help me figure out how to secure an apartment that I can afford.

I’ve been dog sitting for my mom’s coworker and will be until Friday or Saturday.  The dog is a big sweetheart named Jazi, she’s a Rottweiler and seems to have gotten used to me coming into her home three times a day to let her outside.  It does suck that I have to drive there 3 times a day though, it’s probably 3 miles from my apartment, but still.  I could probably stay there for the day but they don’t have wi-fi so I can’t do anything but use the 4G on my phone or watch TV.  I watched a couple of Castle episodes today when I went over there.  I usually stay a couple of hours in the afternoon so the dog doesn’t get lonely without anyone there all day.  I’m going to have to go and let the dog out in about an hour around midnight.

Anyway, so now I have a job, I have health insurance and can go see therapists finally and get my prescriptions for cheap and I finally have a reason to get out of bed in the morning (job) and go somewhere.  It isn’t my dream job in any way, but it’s something until I can pursue my dream.

Feeling Anxious

Currently, I am only on medications to treat my depression and my Tourette’s.  This leaves me vulnerable to anxiety attacks every once and awhile, like right now.  I hate feeling anxious, it’s the most uncomfortable feeling in the world and I don’t know how to deal with it.  Right now, I think I’m feeling anxious because of things I should have done today but didn’t do and that makes me think about how I only have less than a month to find a job or else I’m going to be completely broke and without any income.  I have an interview in the morning, but I’m freaking out thinking my anxiety is going to get the better of me and I won’t go at all, which I’ve been known to do.  I hate that I’m so unreliable, but I feel like I can’t change it, or at least, I don’t know how to change it without dealing with high amounts of anxiety.  I really need a job where I can work from home, but that probably wouldn’t be good for me either because then I’d only leave my apartment to go grocery shopping.  I’m in a huge rut right now.  I’m the only one who can change this, but it scares me.  I feel completely lost in life and I need to get my life back on track.

Expectations of Life

Have you ever felt like you were just floating through life with no direction or purpose?  I have felt like this for almost ten years.  The entire length of my twenties have been spent in this state of “I don’t know where the hell I am going and part of me doesn’t really care.”  I want to care.  I want to experience true, unadulterated happiness and exuberance with life.  As of yet, at the age of 27, I have not come close to that.  I watched this Hallmark movie (one of my favorites actually) and the main character asks the other main character, “Have you ever had just one perfect day?”  I have never experienced a perfect day.  I can’t even fathom having one because it just doesn’t seem possible.  It seems impossible for me to experience true joy and happiness.  I’ve been depressed pretty much my entire life.  There was a two year period in high school when I wasn’t depressed, but that didn’t last long at all.  Once I left high school, I changed for the worst.  I turned from this hard working, nothing-will-ever-get-me-down kid to a slacker who couldn’t get out of bed and it’s been almost ten years and I’m still in this phase.  Part of me is wondering if this is even a phase and it just is who I was always supposed to be.

I finally have health insurance starting April 1st and in preparation of that I have been researching therapists.  It hit me while I was researching that I am going to be homeless in 3 months if I don’t start getting down to business.  My roommate is moving in with her boyfriend and I am left, without a job, to find a place for myself.  I’m looking for Section 42 housing because that is all I can afford at the moment, but I don’t know where I am going to be getting a job, so I don’t want to pick a place that is far from where I will potentially work.

I’m lost.  I don’t know what I want out of life.  I want to go back into the science field, pursue a career in forensics, but what is holding me back is that I have 1 year left to get the degree I’m currently pursuing and I don’t want to be in school until 2017, building more debt for myself.  If someone gave me $65,000 today, I’d pay off all my loans and pursue the science degree, but I don’t have that kind of luck.  I still want to be a writer, but I don’t think I am good enough to ever be successful at it.  My dream job is a forensic specialist who writes on the side, ideally for a television show.  I have so many dreams.  I have a very rich fantasy life, but I don’t go after what I want.  I don’t know what to do to change this.