I decided to look over some of my earlier posts from before my time in IOP. I wasn’t completely aware how much different I felt until I read over those entries. Here are some quotes from my October posts:
I don’t plan on doing anything drastic, but it just feels like this emptiness I have been experiencing is just going to engulf me. It’s like I am standing on the shoreline and a giant wave is just going to drown me and my lifeless body will be swept to sea. It feels like I have no control over this. I feel like someone is going to find me dead, not by my own hands, but by some unforeseen force, like I spontaneously combusted with despair … I imagine my spirit as this decrepit soul, weighed down by chains, carrying a boulder the size of a small car and dripping wet from being doused with ice cold water. It is seeking solace, warmth, relief, but all it does is get colder, wetter, heavier, weaker. How do you come back from that?
The world is pressing down on me and I am not fighting back. I’m letting it crush me, asphyxiate me slowly. The light inside of me is no longer the sun always shining, it is a candle constantly being blown out … How do I start caring when the thought of doing so crushes me into immobility? I can’t face living. I don’t want to die though. I’m not only at the end of my rope, it is fraying quickly under my weight, under everything I am going through, everything I am feeling.
I feel, dare I say it, hopeful now. I feel like I have purpose and I can do the things I want to do and succeed at them. I don’t constantly feel like I am putting up roadblocks from my goals. I know I still sometimes do that, but I don’t feel like they are impenetrable like they once were. While my sleep schedule and issues are still wonky and need to be worked on, I feel I can fix that if I push myself to change.
I still do not have a job, but I am actively looking. While I do not want to take just any shitty job out there, it’s becoming more and more likely that that is just what I have to do for now. I do not want that at all, but apparently being a grown up means doing things you don’t want to do to better yourself. I once was capable of doing such things, but haven’t in several years. Maybe it’s time to start.
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Tagged adulthood, anxiety, asd, Asperger, Asperger syndrome, asperger's, asperger's syndrome, Autism, Autism spectrum, autism spectrum disorder, autistic disorder, careers, depression, disability, employment, future, happiness, jobs, Mental Health, sadness, suicidal, suicide, unemployment
I am currently at 1mg of Haldol, down from 4mg. My tics are getting worse and they annoy me sometimes, but sometimes I think that I just don’t want to go back on an anti-tic medication. It would be one less medication, less drugs in my system and there wouldn’t be a risk of weight gain. I also am not sure I could live without a medication because the vocal tic is quite annoying. My mom claims that she can hear me ticcing upstairs when I am in the basement. I’m not that loud…
I was talking over dinner with my family and it was brought to my attention that certain people I consider friends, aren’t very good friends because they always try and act like my Tourette’s and autism aren’t real issues. I have one friend who is always saying something of hers is a tic, when she knows it isn’t. It seems like she is trying to downplay or even make fun of something that I am suffering from. The same goes for my autism. I do talk about it quite a bit, but I’ve stopped talking about it around them because they seem to think that me having autism isn’t a real issue. Sure I only found out about having autism less than a year ago, but I had been suffering from the symptoms many years before that. Not acknowledging that my autism is a real thing and something that I struggle with daily, isn’t helping me. I recently posted on my Facebook about how there is something with autism that causes some people with it to have trouble filtering out outside noise. My friends say that I am deaf and that is the reason, but I can hear just fine, in fact I am very sensitive to sound, it’s just that I have trouble deciphering someone speaking from background noise. I always thought I just couldn’t hear, but I realized it wasn’t that at all. Nobody can tell me how I am supposed to feel or how I should react to things like anxiety, because they are not me, they do not know what it is like to live with Tourette’s or autism. I wish they would stop assuming things about me.
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Tagged asd, Asperger, Asperger syndrome, asperger's, asperger's syndrome, Autism, Autism spectrum, autistic disorder, haldol, Mental Health, tics, tourette syndrome, tourette's, tourette's syndrome
I have a bunch of stuff going on right now and a lot of things to worry about. I’m still waiting to hear about that job I interviewed for on Wednesday. I sent a thank you letter and all that too. I am just worried that I won’t get it and I’ll have to start over again waiting for an interview. My mom keeps trying to get me to apply at Target, but I really don’t want to work there. I don’t want to deal with customers. I worked for 5 years in customer service and I was miserable. I don’t want to go back to that. The thought of working with people again in the fast paced environment of a store sets me on edge and makes me anxious. I took a freaking lorazepam the other day for the first time in over a month because I’ve just felt really overwhelmed.
Today, I had class and because I ran out of gas, I had to borrow my parents’ Jeep to go. I got home and found out both my parents were angry at me because they feel like I’m taking them for granted. I didn’t intend for that to happen, I wanted the opposite. My dad lectured me for a good twenty minutes or so telling me how he wants more from me and to see me get on with my life. I want that too, but something is holding me back. I think it’s fear. Fear of something…living, success, failure, life maybe.
So I have been going off of my Tourette’s medication the last two weeks now. I am down to 2mg (originally 4mg) and my tics are now very present. Haldol has been the only medication that I have tried that seemed to control my tics. I’m scared and worried that I won’t find a safer drug that can do the same thing. I don’t want to be ticcing all the time. Sometimes I don’t realize I’m doing it, but most of the time I know I am ticcing and I can’t stop it and I drive myself crazy. For the most part I do only have a mild case of Tourette’s, but the low pitch humming I do all the time really annoys me. I can handle the excessive blinking.
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Tagged anxiety, asd, Asperger, Asperger syndrome, asperger's, asperger's syndrome, Autism, Autism spectrum, autistic disorder, depression, happiness, Mental Health, unemployment
I have been writing almost every night which is great for me. Too bad the writing I am doing is fanfiction and not something that will progress my career. I’m still doing the therapy twice a week and the dietitian once a week. I started seeing a new psychiatrist too. I went to her appointment and said right away that I wanted to go off of Haldol because it was causing Tardive Dyskinesia. She wanted me to go off it in the first place. I was taking 4mg and now I’m slowly decreasing and haven’t seen much difference in my tics. I do tic a little more but not so bad that I can’t live with it.
I’m thinking of starting another blog documenting my experiences with the Emily Program and dealing with an eating disorder but I haven’t decided if I will really do it or not. My dietitian has been having me focus on getting all the food groups in everyday. I’ve only done it once. It’s a lot harder than I thought.
I had a job interview today at a vet clinic. The job was for a morning receptionist. I want the job because it is part-time and it would allow me to go to school and do an internship in the fall. I also want to work around animals in some capacity so I think it will be a good fit for me. I only hope I actually got the job. My mom has been nagging me about getting a job. I want a job so I can have money but I also want to focus on getting better.
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Tagged asd, Asperger, Asperger syndrome, asperger's, asperger's syndrome, Autism, Autism spectrum, autistic disorder, Creativity, depression, Mental Health, obsessions, unemployment, writing
I feel overwhelmed with feelings right now for a bunch of different reasons. The main feeling though is sadness and depression. I feel the need to cry but no matter how much I try to the tears just don’t come. I can’t seem to cry and I want to because usually I feel better once I get it out.
The main reason I feel sad is because I watched the Castle season finale last night and while I thought it was going to be a lighthearted episode, the ending ripped me to shreds and I feel sad about it. It’s a stupid thing to feel sad about but I am totally in love with this show. It is my current fixation and I just feel very upset about what happens to the characters.
Another reason I feel bad is because I have been very anxious today because I ended up not going to work again, which has been a problem for me. I feel stupid for letting my anxiety take hold of me and get me to skip out on work, when I know I should go, but I continue to do it. My mom sent me a link to an article about a study that was done on depressed people and they found that people with depression are more likely to have self-sabotaging behaviors and this is so very much me. I self-sabotage all the time, like I am doing with work. I don’t know how to change it though. I wish I could because I’m tired of feeling like I am inadequate in life.
I have to go to my first summer class tonight and I really do not want to because I’d rather be at home reading fanfiction, which is something that has taken on a life of its own. I feel obsessed with reading it all the time and I can’t seem to get away from it. I was hanging out with friends and around about 10pm I just didn’t want to hang out anymore and I wanted to go home and read. I would have pulled up some on my phone but it was dying, so I couldn’t do that either.
Anyway, I hope to get my life under control and back to how it was in high school where I was actually motivated to do well.
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Tagged anxiety, asd, Asperger, Asperger syndrome, asperger's, asperger's syndrome, Autism, Autism spectrum, autistic disorder, Castle, depression, emptiness, Mental Health, Nathan Fillion, obsessions, sadness, self sabotage, Stana Katic, work
For the last few days I have been experiencing a lot of anxiety. Right now, I am very anxious and I don’t know how to get rid of it. I took a Valium (that I use for my back) in hopes that would calm me down, but it didn’t. The main reason I am so anxious lately is because I am very worried about one of my TV shows not coming back for a 7th season. One of the actors has been tweeting acting like it is the last season, but she could be just trying not to jinx it or she’s playing us. Either way, it is making me freak out. I know it is just a TV show, but it’s one of the few things that makes me happy anymore. I would be devastated if it does not go on for another season. I feel like I need at least one more season and then I’d properly feel like I could let it go if it needed to. This limbo ABC has put the viewers in though is making me feel really uncomfortable. I told my mom about my fears and she told me that I really need to get a life outside of the fantasy world I live in. It is true that I live in a fantasy world. I use it as an escape from my mediocre life.
Tomorrow, I’m probably going to go to urgent care and see if they can prescribe me some anti-anxiety meds until I can find a psychiatrist. I have to work (aka do computer training) until 5pm and then I’ll go after that, then I’ll go to my parents’ house for a bit since I haven’t seen them in awhile.
Because of my anxiety I have not eaten a lot today and haven’t wanted to either. I did eat a sandwich about an hour ago and my anxiety went away for a bit, but now it is back and I don’t know how I am going to get to sleep tonight. I worry way too much.
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Tagged anxiety, asd, Asperger, Asperger syndrome, asperger's, asperger's syndrome, Autism, Autism spectrum, autistic disorder, Castle, depression, love, Mental Health, obsessions, sadness, Stana Katic
I’ve been thinking tonight about having autism. I was wondering if I had the ability to get rid of my autism would I do it? This is a tough question for me. While having autism is ingrained in me and my personality, I wonder if I’d be better off not having it at all. Before the symptoms appeared at age 3, I was a very outgoing child, I’d whistle in public, I was all around rambunctious. When age 3 came, I changed. You can see it in my pictures. I went from a smiley child to a kid who never showed her teeth and never looked happy. Around age 3, I stopped talking except to my parents and sister. I became reserved and quiet and I appeared to be depressed. It is heartbreaking to see this child, me, in pictures because I just look so unhappy. I didn’t start talking again until 4th grade and in 5th grade, I felt very comfortable with my classroom and even acted somewhat outgoing at times.
Would I get rid of my autism though? While the diagnosis is still very new, it has been a part of me for most of my life, unknowingly. I imagine my life would be so much easier if I wasn’t autistic. I’d be able to handle myself in interviews, I’d be able to have a conversation and not feel completely weird and awkward about it. I wouldn’t make other people feel awkward just by being me. If I could get rid of it, I’d be considered normal. I’d be able to date and fall in love without being uncomfortable about it. If I didn’t have autism though, I wouldn’t have an interesting story about my life. I feel like I’ve lived many lives in just one. There was my selective mutism years, then my depressed years, then my relapsed depressed years and now my autistic years. I have had more happen to me than the average person and it makes me an interesting person, I believe. I have stories to tell, which is why I am a writer. If I could get rid of my stories, my history, my interesting side, I wouldn’t be me. I’d be someone who never had anything happen to them. I’d be boring and I am certain I wouldn’t be a writer. “Curing” my autism would not be the answer for me. While I have not completely accepted having autism, I feel it is something to be proud of. It’s something unique that not many people have and I have a different perspective on life because of it. In a nutshell, I would not get rid of my autism if I could. I wouldn’t be me if I did.
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Tagged asd, Asperger, Asperger syndrome, asperger's, asperger's syndrome, Autism, Autism spectrum, autistic disorder, Creativity, depression, love, Mental Health, mutism, obsessions, selective mutism, stories, writing