I need help

I am writing a story and don’t know what name to chose for a character.  This character is a baby, but I like getting the names right and I don’t know which one to choose.

These Walls

Most people know I adore the show “Castle.” My favorite character being Kate Beckett.  I’ve come to the realization as of late that I am a lot like her in some ways.  I’m not one who dates and never have been.  I fear the intimacy that comes with being in a relationship and part of me feels like I will never be ready for dating.  I have walls, that years of loneliness, fear, disappointment, and lack of confidence has built around my heart.  Like Kate Beckett, I don’t let people in very easily.  I am a very open person, I don’t hide who I am, but I only share the trivial things about myself.  I don’t always share my fears or who I truly am.  I push people away by showing them the worst of me in hopes that I will scare them away and I will know exactly the type of person they are.  I have never met my Richard Castle; someone willing to break down my walls, see past my flaws, accept me for who I am, and know when I am pushing them away and stop it.  I guess I am just waiting for my Rick.  I’m waiting for someone to love me in spite of everything.

Kate Beckett and Me

My grandma died on Saturday.  The last time I saw her was in 2012 and I knew when I left my parents’ house to go to work that it was going to be the last time I saw her.  I don’t know if I’d do anything different, maybe I should have said “I love you” to her but I didn’t.  I just left.  I find expressing love to people very hard because part of me feels like I don’t really mean it.  I don’t know what love really feels like.  I know people love me and I know that I do love people, especially my parents.  I just don’t know how to quantify these feelings into something physical.  I don’t know if I am supposed to feel something physical when you love someone.  I love and adore my cat.  I look at her sometimes and my breath catches in my throat because I love her so much.  It’s the kind of love a mother would feel for her child, at least I imagine it to be, as I don’t have any human children.  I have never felt romantic love before and I want to but part of me feels incapable of doing that.  I don’t know if this is autism or just me being closed off.  It’s probably a little bit of both.

I look to my TV shows, my autistic obsessions, to figure out what love is and the sad part is it isn’t even real.  I wish to emulate these characters in some way, whether it be their strength, their drive for life, their devotion to another person, their passion for their job.  It’s all things I don’t feel right now and that makes me sad.  Even typing that out brought tears to my eyes because it hurts to see it in writing.  I don’t feel complete right now.  I feel lost and I don’t know how to fix this.

I idolize fictional characters.  This is not some big revelation because I’ve known this for a long time.  I got to thinking today though, why don’t I use this idiosyncrasy of mine to my advantage and work on BEING like the fictional characters I admire?  For example, what would Kate Beckett from Castle do in my situation?  She wouldn’t sulk and mope around like I have been.  She’d get up and fight, kick some ass and take some names.  She wouldn’t give up without giving it her best shot.  I haven’t been giving it my best shot.  I’ve basically given up.  I’m unemployed, not unemployable.  Living with autism hasn’t made me defunct, it hasn’t made me less of a person.  Sure, I was probably fired because of something related to my autism, but I can’t let that get me down.  It’s their loss, not mine.  Why would I want to work for a place that supposedly helps people with disabilities but clearly does not?  Kate Beckett wouldn’t let anything stop her from following through with things.  I need this drive back, like I had in high school.  I have to find it.  I have to fight for it.